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Original poster

What would people do?

23 replies

Woznian1992 · 11/09/2018 23:14

Hi all,

My ex’s daughter (8) told me that she and her sister (6) were going on holiday to Tenerife with their dad, Our son is nearly 6 months old. The day after he was born my ex told me that he was going to go away with him and his daughters and that he wasn’t taking our son because he would be away for a week and he was too young, I agreed that he was too young to spend a week away from me (his mother) however I told my ex that it wasn’t fair for him to take his 2 other children and asked him to wait until next year and take all 3 children together, well obviously that hasn’t happened and he is supposed to be going away within the next month (I’m guessing, as when I asked him he told me it was none of my business) anyway this isn’t the first time that he has treated our son different to his two other children, he also spends more time with his other two children than he does with our son (I have asked him repeatedly to spend more time with him) what should be my next steps. I just don’t want to fuck my son up by having him be around a dad who treats his children differently but I also don’t want to fuck him up by not having him around/seeing his dad. I’ve asked my ex if he will be taking anymore time off work and spending time with our son on day trips at home etc however he hasn’t replied (which isn’t unusual) I really don’t know what next steps to take 😞 thank you everyone

OP posts:
Witzend89 · 11/09/2018 23:18

I think at 6 months your joint son is to young to go with them. Let them go and have time together and when your baby is old enough let them all go together then.

purpleme12 · 11/09/2018 23:21

You want to go on holiday with your ex?

cestlavielife · 11/09/2018 23:25

Your baby won't notice.
It s a big age gap and far easier to give 6 and 8 yr old a fun time without baby in tow.
Chill for now . There will always be big gap in ages and stages. At 16 the younger daughter your son will be 10. Hopefully by then his dad is taking him out etc. While the older siblings are off out with their mates.

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Singlenotsingle · 11/09/2018 23:25

DS is much too young to be going away without you. Leave it another couple of years at least - would you trust the ex to be able to look after a baby as well astwo lively little girls? The man knows his limitations! (And D's is too young to know or care).

AnnieAnoniMoose · 11/09/2018 23:32

You’re being ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

His girls are 6 & 8, your baby is 6 months. Your baby is too young to be going. You should be hoping the girls have a lovely time with their Dad.

Your DS is a baby, he doesn’t need ‘day trips’ to ‘even things up’

Your DS will have plenty of time with his Dad & the girls when he’s big enough to take away and then time alone with his Dad when the girls are too big to want to go.

Next steps...growing up and realising things don’t have to exactly equal to be fair, reasonable & the best thing to do in the circumstances.

Enidblyton1 · 11/09/2018 23:47

Excellent advice from Annie. Taking a 6 month old on holiday would be ridiculous.

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade · 12/09/2018 00:10

I'm sorry I'm going to be a little harsh here...but I think you need to hear it.

He is right... it is none of your business.

Im thinking its not convenient for him to take time off work as he has 3 children to support.
However he should make good use of his weekends/holiday by spending time with all of his children.
If you're worried he doesnt see your child enough then you two need to make a proper arrangement set your days, times and stick to it.

And for goodness sake stop involving yourself in what he does for his other children.
Unless it's something that causes upset or harm to your child then it really is nothing to do with you!

He has told you about his holiday and given a fair explanation as to why he's not taking his son (would you have actually let him if he offered?) either way the circumstances are just not convenient and your child won't know any better this shouldnt affect you.

Why do you think his older kids should miss out?

Things can't always be "fair" and "equal" it's not always possible, as long as he is meeting each childs needs the rest is irrelevant.
At some point there will be things his eldest can do that the others can't but it doesn't mean she shouldn't be able to do it soon there will also be things that your son can do that they are too old for, (toddler group, soft play etc) it goes both ways!
You need to relax and stay out of it unless it is actually affecting your child.

The small example you've given shows some controlling behaviours from you.
You'll need work on that if you want to be able to communicate amicably with your ex.

Original poster
Woznian1992 · 12/09/2018 11:10

So would it also be ridiculous for a mother to take a 6 month old Baby away on holiday?

OP posts:
Original poster
Woznian1992 · 12/09/2018 11:14

As I also stated he spends a lot more time with his other 2 children on a weekly basis, so I’m controlling for wanting him to spend equal amounts of time with all children and thinking if he is spending a week with his other 2 children he should be spending some extra time with our son?!?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Woznian1992 · 12/09/2018 11:24

We also do have set times and days each week, he has our son once a week, he has his other 2 children x3 a week, I have asked him multiple times to spend more time with our son

OP posts:
itwillbealrightpromise · 12/09/2018 11:34

Try flipping the situation: say your DS was 8 and your ex brought his new 6 month old baby on a week's holiday. It wouldn't be much fun for any of them, least of all for the baby!

There is no reason to suggest that this will impact on the future at all. If you'd like him to see the baby more often during the week, mention that to him.

cestlavielife · 12/09/2018 11:42

One issue is the one week holiday with 2 older children. The baby doesn't need to go. It s a non issue.

The other is how much he sees the baby now. You can't force him sadly unless you happy to drop baby with him and run off saying " it is your time with him see you at 8 pm . " or whatever.

How long has he been an ex?
How long was he with the parent of his other kids before they split? I assume as you say his daughter that the two girls are from a differenr mother(s) .? Was he there day to day with them.as babies and toddlers?

Do.you want to.push 50 50.split of.time.with your baby ? Was that agreed when you split up? When are you happy for baby to do overnights with him? Presumably.you ok with that as you want him to take the baby away for a week?

You could tell him that ftom now it s 50 50.and .just drop baby with him on his days and leave him to.it....

coldrain2018 · 12/09/2018 11:47

I think you are being totally unreasonable

how much time he spends with his daughters is absolutely nothing to do with you.

Its daft to want him to take a baby away on a holiday for school children, even if that baby was 18 months old, it would still be daft.

Yes, I think it would be crazy for a mother to take a 6 month old baby on holiday, although I know some do, I think they are mad!

he sees him once a week, whats wrong with that?

I think its very odd that you want him to take your baby away out of the country to a strange place, obviously there is nothing in it for the baby.

itwillbealrightpromise · 12/09/2018 11:48

Sorry, just seen that you have spoken to him about it.

I can understand you feeling that it's not fair, but his kids are at very different stages - your DS is still a tiny baby, who doesn't need as much interaction as the girls. Also, if he is having them during the week, it's unlikely to be quality time - it might be picking them up from school, feeding them tea and putting them to bed. Slightly different, but my parents divorced in my teens and 'seeing' my dad during the week meant popping in to see him at lunchtime or a quick tea and telly in the evening before we went off to school/work again.

You sound like a great mum and you're not wrong to insist on fair treatment of the DCs, but that might be different to how you imagined whilst your DS is so young.

coldrain2018 · 12/09/2018 11:48

Why do you want him to spend more time with your son?

chipshape · 12/09/2018 11:52

You're being unreasonable. I think it's really strange you want your 6 month old to go away for a week without you.

Pittcuecothecookbook · 12/09/2018 11:53

Today 11:10 Woznian1992

So would it also be ridiculous for a mother to take a 6 month old Baby away on holiday?

I'm your OP, you already said "I agreed that he was too young to spend a week away from me (his mother)" so it sounds like you are just being difficult for the sake of it

user1493413286 · 12/09/2018 11:54

I think it’s fair for him to take his DDs away this year to be honest, I don’t think they should have to wait another year because their brother can’t come.
It sounds like the bigger issue is that he generally sees more of them than he sees your son. Unfortunately you can’t make him see more of your son; I would try and leave it to be honest and see how it plays out as you may find that as your son becomes more active and does more that his dad sees him more and knows what to do with him more. I’m not excusing him at all but sometimes people just don’t know what to do with babies.
Give him the opportunities to see him as I’m sure you have been doing and that is all you can do.

AdoreTheBeach · 12/09/2018 11:54

OP, YADBU

I myself have three children with DH. Large age gap as with your DS and your stepdaughters (ex).

We used to go as a family doing things with our older child and just couldn’t any longer when second DC came along. Things days out to rugby (very, very cold), long walks in the forest, bowling (pray really not practical in bowling alley and far too noisy for baby). We had to each take turns taking our older DC to do things and one stay with baby. Not fair to older DC to miss out in their activities because those activities were not baby friendly. Later my, with toddlers we couldn’t take them to cricket matches, paint ball - all sorts our older DC loved to do. Similarly, he was not interested in coming to soft play and petting zoos.

You will need to understand now that the things your DC will want to and will be able to do will be different than your EX DCs - not because your EX does not want to be with your DC, but he won’t be able to satisfy all the children with the same activities. It’s hard enough with both parents let alone an EX trying to see different children with such an age gap.

Original poster
Woznian1992 · 12/09/2018 13:40

I would love to do 50/50 split but can’t unfortunately as he has early starts in the mornings.

I don’t think it’s fair at all to say I’m ‘controlling’ or being ‘unreasonable’ for him to want to spend a few days with our son going to places that he would like such as soft play if he is going away for a week with his other children, I haven’t once said that I wanted him to take our son in holiday, I just want him to be fairer with his time amongst all of his children.

He was around his other children as babies and toddlers, they split up when the youngest was 3.

I have never once said there is anything wrong with him having our son 1 day a week, well in our situation 1 night a week.

I really do appreciate all the nice proactive responses thank you all who responded however I came on here asking for advice not for people to Be quite frankly bitchy, I hope everyone who has responded with a bitchy comment has a perfect life as the saying goes people In glass houses shouldnt throw stones and before anyone pipes up with ‘you just don’t like to be told’ or something along those lines I’ve taken on board what Other people have said about when my son is bigger etc the different times they will be spending together. People come on here for advice not to be told their controlling or unreasonable that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Also I must be ‘mad’ because I will be taking my son away before he is 9 months old, shoot me!

I also come from a blended family where all children regardless of age all went away together as a family and yes that did include babies at one point

OP posts:
coldrain2018 · 12/09/2018 16:35

Also I must be ‘mad’ because I will be taking my son away before he is 9 months old, shoot me!

its up to you! but its not a holiday for the mum, and there is nothing in it for the baby, I'm not saying its wrong in any way, just that its a lot of hard work, and the baby doesn't benefit in any way.

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/09/2018 16:40

Not wanting your child to be away from you for a week - reasonable

You taking your child on holiday - reasonable

You telling your ex what he can and can’t do with his other children - unreasonable.

Enidblyton1 · 12/09/2018 18:04

OP, of course anyone (mother or father) CAN take a 6 month old away on holiday - you are being deliberately antagonistic.

I remember taking my baby on holiday at 2 months old and then again at 6 months old. It was not much of a holiday Wink.

Far better to wait until your son is older - he would have no memory of this holiday, whilst potentially spoiling it for the others.

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