In need of good advice

[Witzend89]

Thanks for taking the time to read this and I'll try and outline my issue.

My wife and I have a son who's nearly 4 and hasn't really consistently slept through the night, in fact 4/6 times a week he'll wake multiple times often 3 times a night and call out, cry or thrash about sometimes taking 30 minutes or so to re settle. As you can imagine this is pretty draining for us both. In the morning our son is happy and always wakes in a good mood in fact it's his happiest time of the day.

What worries me though is that my wife isn't coping well with the constant waking up. I do most of the getting up leaving her to rest as much as possible but when I reach the point where I can't calm our son she will get up but rather than adopting a calm and sympathetic approach she will often resort to shouting at him. Tonight I had to step in as she was screaming at him.

Their general communication is also combative during the day and often they'll both end up shouting at one another and I find myself having to mediate frequently.

I'd like to know from readers if this how you think I should approach a conversation with her about how she communicates with our son. I love her so much and it breaks my heart seeing her at her wits end as well as the two of them shouting at each other. What should I say and how?

I'd appreciate all assistance.

Many thanks

I can't offer the exact words but you obviously realise it's not healthy for either of them for this to carry on.

I suffer from anxiety so when dd won't sleep through or changes routine I get really upset and struggle to cope. For a while I would get mad at dd which ended up with us getting each other upset. I started doing the disappearing chair technique and although I don't do it properly I find just sitting on the floor with my head in my hands and counting helps me find a sense of calm to be able to deal with Dd much more calmly.

Perhaps you can suggest you ask a health visitor to visit to help with suggestions on sleep techniques? If you can get dc to sleep most the time through the night hopefully this in turn will help mum to be calmer?

Thanks for replying. We have tried so many techniques and routines and rules etc and I'm still open minded about others too. I've got to the stage where I can pretty much operate on a few hours sleep whereas I know she can do I kind of do the nighttime parenting now but I get tired and when she gets involved it can get quite shouty between them. I know that if I say the wrong thing she'll say that I'm questioning her parental skills or hurting her feeling so I need to tread carefully. What is the chair technique that you mentioned?

Is she happy with how things are, or stressed out with no idea how to change?

Take a look at the book 'how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk' it has exercises to work through, maybe you could do it together?

Is he at nursery or school yet?

In terms of advice, I would suggest you both go on a parenting course and see if you can pick up and implement together some more gentle/calm parenting techniques. Try not to make it all about what she's doing wrong, and more about how to both improve how you deal with him.

I don't think she is happy with how things are tbh. I think we both need to sleep at night which I think will make things better. I think it's a good plan to not make it about her but to go to some classes together and both try to be better.

Yes he's full time pre school 9-4 5 days a week and loves it. He's such a happy boy but I'm worried he'll develop this authoritarian shouting communication method outside of the house due to how they communicate with each other

Witz you could be me. My dh communicates with our 2 dc mainly by directives, shouting etc. The payback is he gets no hugs or affection, which he is very slowly starting to realise. I have tried to tell him that you can't do that to kids, they reflect what you show them. My kids are 8 and 5 - dh has had zero hugs for that long.

You could talk about the main 4 styles of parenting as per this website:

www.verywellfamily.com/types-of-parenting-styles-1095045

She sounds like an authoritarian where you would want to move towards an authoritative style. Maybe just identifying and discussing the different types, and the drawbacks of the non-authoritative approaches might be helpful.

I couldn't go a day yet alone any longer without hugs n cuddles with him, it's the best ever. Come to think about it I don't see too many between my wife and him though. She did have depression after he was born and in truth still does struggle so maybe this is a symptom of that?

She sounds like my dh and were often at loggerheads.

I'd say the sleep is causing some sort of anxiety/depression which is not surprising as I have been there and lack of sleep is a killer ..

Id chat with her when she's calm and ask if she is happy in herself and try to.persuade her to see her gp as the sleep problems won't go overnight but if her mood improves, she'll cope better

This is ALL so helpful thank you. Lots of great advice and thanks for the link too.. much appreciated

I should also have said, as I am the calm (sometimes) huggy (always) parent, the kids are fine.
But maybe some gp intervention might be helpful for your dw. Feelings of being overwhelmed are so difficult to manage and overcome. You sound like a really responsible and empathetic father. I wish you strength.

Thank you FASTWINDOW that's really kind. She has an unrelated gp appointment next week so I think I'll sit with her and tell her that I think we should both get some help and advice and take next weeks GP appointment together. Hopefully she'll agree.

Good luck. She may want to take that appt alone, but perhaps you can suggest she mentions the stress. There's lots of help for that. I know.

Gently suggest she sees the GP. It sounds like she's not coping very well. Have a sit down with her, non judgmentally, ask her how she's feeling. Let her know that you'll always be there to support her but it's ok not to be ok. Being a parent is bloody hard on the both of you. She might just need some extra support.

Try get the baby looked after for the night, go on a date, have some alone time 😉 it'll be good to reconnect and if she feels less stressed she might be more inclined to open up to you.

I hope everything goes well for you both 😊

*Theashp
*
Thank you so much for your advice, it's very kind of you. Little man slept through for the first time in nearly 3 weeks last night which was a godsend for us both it has to be said. We did have a chat about the events of the night before and I did suggest that maybe if she did feel the need or feel close to shouting then she should just say and I could deal with it on my own. I wasn't judgemental and in fact I ran her a bath and did dinner so she could have as much "her" time as possible. Maybe her being more chilled had an effect on him sleeping better...?

Have a look at the Solihull Approach

They do say children pick up on your moods and if you are tense etc..my little one certainly does.

That one night will be a god send and will help to move forward.

When ever I have felt really low I leave the room and leave my little one to cry while I calm down it's better than getting upset with them.

The disappearing chair if you Google it it will explain better than me. Basically you lie baby down. Then sit on the floor or chair so baby can see you. If they get up you give it a bit then lie them back down with no eye contact or communication. Keep doing it till they fall asleep. Gradually over the weeks you move further away from the cot until you are outside the door. In theory they will be used to going to sleep on their own.

I won't deny i have been rubbish at doing it but it has worked in that dd will now self settle at night and will fall asleep relatively quickly. It also helps me to stay calm if she is messing about at bed time.

I did also change the night tine routine around and what she eats in the evening to make sure she is nice able full.

That technique is also called gradual retreat i think.

I think children definitely pick up on the mood of adults and the atmosphere in the house.

All good advice thank you. Fingers crossed he'll have another good night tonight and we can get one too.

I know deep down that my wife is a great mum and our son adores her so it's heartbreaking to see her lose it with him at night. I've tried to do most of the night time settling with him over the years so that she can get as much rest as possible and life would be perfect if he slept more. Maybe the help we need is through a sleep specialist as much as it is through a gp.