Chain smoking friend around baby? WWYD?

[strawberrybodybutter]

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice. My baby is due in a few months and just wondering how / if I need to raise this issue with my friend. She is a chain smoker, roughly 20 a day habit. I only see her about once every month or so, but as she lives about 2 hours away she always stays over the night.
She always smokes outside when she stays but obviously brings smoke in on her clothes and I do have to remind her to shut the door to stop smoke coming into the house.
I was reading medical advice online that people should change their clothes after smoking before holding baby, etc and stay outside for a while before coming in after cigarette.
So my question is, 1) what do I need to know about protecting my baby from 2nd hand smoke 2) has anyone crossed this with friends and how did you tackle it?
My friend is very much of attitude that 2nd hand smoke doesn't do any harm as her Mum smoked and they all smoke in the house, etc. I can see her potentially thinking I'm over reacting but I want best for my baby and not sure what is a normal approach to this situation?

Your first duty is to your baby, not to your friend.

Wash hands, change clothes before going near baby.

Thanks Nona, would you say I ask them to bring a change of clothes with them to change into for smoking? Or would a coat do? Not even sure where to begin with this, I need practical advice.

Baby is due in a few months so presumably coat weather? So I’d say smoking outside only with the door closed and wearing her coat. Then after her ciggie coat off (and put somewhere where it won’t stink up the house like a utility room or porch), wash hands and then and only then can she come near the baby. I have some smoking relatives and none were offended by this.

If I were in your shoes I’d probably avoid having the friend stay. I know that’s avoiding and not solving the problem but she doesn’t sound reasonable if she really thinks second hand smoke isn’t harmful. You might get a bad reaction from her if you say something.

I would ask her if she could bring a jacket for smoking in and take off in the kitchen or somewhere andthen wash her hands but if she is your friend you can speak toher about it, smokers know their smoking isn't pleasant for other people especially babies.

Ask your MW for the latest advice and some leaflets that you can show your friend /leave lying about when she next visits.
My DSIS and DSIL both smoked. We were always clear and open from the beginning that they couldn't smoke near our baby or in our house. My DSIS was fine. DSIL fell out with us for a while.

I would suggest tentatively that your relationship will change once you have baby and that she no longer stays over.
You might find you just don't want her there for long periods for a few months but of course all friendships are different.

But Yes, definitely talk to get about it. Even if you need to make light if it a little about her needing a smoking jacket etc.

My sister was pretty clear about this when she was pregnant and no one re ally argued with her tbh.
Maybe have done stuff printed out to show her should she be not taking it on board

Show them this
www.babycentre.co.uk/x1048535/will-smoking-outside-protect-my-baby-from-second-hand-smoke

Yes Jazz, this might be easy to do as it's not going to be massively practical to have friends stay over with a little baby anyway. I think the coat idea will be fine and she will respect my decision even if she will probably think I'm being OTT. I am an ex smoker / social smoker so would never smoke around kids anyway. I guess I don't know what people actually do in real life! I think it will be easier to bring it up before she visits when baby is here so it's not a surprise and she can bring a smoking coat.

Honestly? I wouldn't want her staying over overnight I would stick to a short visit and ask her not to smoke for the duration. Otherwise I wouldn't see her.

My fil is a heavy smoker in his house and we refuse to take the dc over there so not seem him in 2 years! He thinks we are idiots but I don't give a shit.

Plus, I had people visit me from 2 hours away when dc1 was born and they stayed for an hour as that was more than enough with a newborn.

It's studies on 3rd hand smoke that refer to clothing and furniture after smoking etc if you want to find the studies from 8-10 years ago

Get her to wear a specific coat or cardigan to smoke in that she then takes off; tell her that the health visitor or midwife told you visitors need to do that. It’s the advice they give parents who smoke

@Soontobe60 I read that article as well, this is what I'm also wondering, does anyone make smoking visitors actually wait outside for an hour til the smoke fumes go. My friend would be in the garden for the whole visit as she has at least 2 an hour at my estimate! 😂 In all seriousness though, would any smoker actually be offended about being asked to bring a smoking coat? It seems like a lot of people are fine with this which is reassuring.

I’ve never had any issues like this as none of my friends or family smoke but honestly if i was in your shoes, I wouldn’t let my friend stay over. If you explain to her why, and she is a good friend she should understand.

Obviously things will change when the baby is here, you’ll probably not want her to stay over from a practical point of view as well.

I would never want anyone who reeks of smoke near any of my children.

Honestly, I wouldn’t have a friend who smokes staying over at my house, end of. I’d say let’s meet up for lunch in the middle somewhere. Smoking aside, with a small baby you are not up for house guests. You’ll be in bed at 7 and too tired to talk with anyone. We’ve only had BiL and SIL to stay overnight since our 2nd was born and only because they came to help my dh with a project for his business. We’ve turned everyone else away as we much prefer sleep.

There does become a time when house guests are easier and you have more energy for socialising again, so maybe re-visit how you feel then (would still be a no from me though, I don’t allow smokers in my house, period.)

Your baby, your rules. If she doesn't like it she can lump it 🙂

My FIL is a chain smoker. I won’t takr DS to his house and if he comes here he isn’t allowed to hold DS unless he takes off his coat and hasn’t smoked in the outfit he is wearing.

I tell relatives they have to wait 30 minutes before coming near baby too.

We don’t let my IL’s hold my dd unless they change clothes/wash hands. They usually bring a spare jumper to put on over their smoking clothes

I work in a paediatric asthma clinic. Our consultant says that after having a cigarette, you shouldn't come near the child for 6 hrs. So changing clothes is all well and good but it will still be in her hair for that length of time.

Tell her you can’t realistically have her over unless she is willing to use nicotine replacement products or vape (outside) during her stay. And that the rule will stay the same through toddlerhood.

I wouldnt see her until the baby is over six months old, at the very least!

The advice we were given after having DD was they have to change clothes and wash hands but also wait 2hrs before holding baby.

Coat fastened up and hat, then hands washed after smoking. Not perfect but as a one off I wouldn’t be overly concerned - if it was every day then I’d be more worried.