My son's behaviour

[lifesteeth]

I have just recieved a letter home from school about my 6 year old's behaviour, it says the head is concerned about his behaviour at lunch times and says if it continues they may have to take further action he's been a constant pain since he started school, bullying, fighting, being cheeky, messing around in class, shouting out...I'm at a loss of what to do, I've tried star charts and he was great for the first day until the novelty wore off now he doesn't care about them, his father talks to him and he seems to take it in before acting up again the following week, he is shouting at by his own teacher, the support worker (not sure of real title) and the head and it doesn't bother him. He's a pain on the way home from school too attacking kids with stones, sticks, calling people names, being cheeky, running into peoples gardens and climbing over fences.
I don't know what to do.

What sort of punishment do you implement for bad behavior?

Can't really offer any advice, but I think I would go into the school on Monday and talk to the head, and ask her for any help in sorting this out.
Explain that you are trying to teach him to behave and having little success, and let them know that you aren't one of these mothers who are working against the school rather than with them.
Maybe together you can pool your ideas and come up with a solution.
Good luck!

I can't think of any punishments anymore as everything I try he doesnt care about, I tried the positive approach "I pass the bakery every night on the way home from school, everytime I get a good report from your teacher we'll go in and buy buns" - needless to say the bakery didnt get much business out of us. The star charts - tried and failed, bed early - he didnt care, he likes lying in bed - he doesnt really have favourite toys - he doesnt have a playstation anymore - I really am at a loss.

I've been into the school too to see the head, she was no help at all, just said he will find himself in more and more trouble as he gets older and the baby face stops working.

what does he do when he gets home from school?

I'd take the plug off the tv. No TV until you get a week of good behavior. No friends round. No electronic, battery requiring toys. Tell him you will be talking to his teacher every day and you are on her side.

He has an older brother, his dad left over 2 years ago and he idolises his dad...maybe that is bothering him, he see's him every fortnight.
Thing is although he sounds unhappy he ALWAYS has a huge crocodile grin on his face, he's always laughing and joking and suprisingly he has lots of friends, he's popular amongst the "tougher" kids as his reputation grows and I hate to think what he's going to be like at 16 if he's like this now.

How are the school dealing with his behaviour? You need to have a combined approach IMO.

Does he eat well? Sleep enough? Get lots of exercise?

Do you and his Dad expect the same standards of behaviour? Are the two households consistent?

He's little, so still learning about what is good, what is bad behaviour. It needs breaking down for him - sit still for X mins, don't shout out in class for a whole hour etc. 'Being good' is too vague. Plus the school need to think about positives - if he sits still, doesn't shout out, isn't cheeky will he get ignored? Its not easy to notice 'good' behaviour. So the response to 'bad' behaviour needs to be really really low attention. Consequences, but no shouting, feign disinterest, but be firm.

Also when it comes to punishments you need to stop and think about his life as a whole - think of punishments as taking pennies out of a piggy bank - does he have any pennies (rewards) in there to start with? If he doesn't it won't work. Someone I know said they tried to work towards 3 positive comments for every negative. What's hard is getting schools to adopt this, you may only be able to do the home stuff, but thats vital, and may transfer to school.

HTH - its bloody hard work this parenting .

I agree with dinosaur, he sounds very unhappy. When did this all start? There must be a reason for this behaviour, whether it's attention seeking or to punish you for something (am sure you don't deserve punishing btw but it sounds like he is resentful of something.)

The school are very negative towards him, when he moved up to year 1 from reception the year 1 teacher was "warned" about him so she already had preconcieved ideas about him.

The school gives out "good work slips" for good behaviour and most kids get at least 1 a week, my son has had 1 SINCE LAST SEPTEMBER. Surely they could find something positive to give him one for...the teacher often tells me things like "he did some lovely work this morning but he started being silly in the afternoon" so where is the good work slip for the morning work?

Last week he came out with a sticker on his jumper, the teacher came upto me and said oh he's been quite good today, he's even got a sticker look..." and she then turned to my son and said "what did you get that sticker again for?" and he said "Rebecca gave me it" and she looked all embarrassed and said "oh, I thought I'd given you it...well I meant to give you one..."

He eats much better than he used to, he sleeps pretty well and is always running around etc so I don't think he's unhealthy, even at kids club yesterday though the playworker came to me and said "they've been good but we have lots of trouble getting D*** to sit still for 5 minutes"