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Original poster

Teenage daughter shoplifting on a grand scale

26 replies

Scottishsummer · 10/09/2018 17:43

My daughter went on a huge shoplifting spree - not two or three things, but two dozen. Ranging from £1 to £65, in several different London stores. She started with a bar of chocolate, progressed to mascara, then knickers, then tops and ended with a jacket; first on a Friday, during a sleepover with a friend, and then again next day. She wasn't caught. The friend was...and hence the discovery, because my daughter owned up before she was found out by me. It took a long time to get every single item out of her. She has had her phone taken away and been grounded for six weeks. No more shopping trips until next year. I told her that she was on the same level as a scummy criminal, that the staff in some of these shops are paid practically nothing and would be in trouble themselves if items went missing all the time. She has given me all the money she has and is now set to do chores until she can produce the rest - I am returning the money to each store. And the goods have all gone to a charity shop. We have had tears and anger and breakdowns, and a sad tale of trying very hard to buy friendship and impress others. She is seeing the school councillor. But I don't think this is enough. All this happened at the weekend, and she has already told me one whopper today and I suspect looks set to tell me more. Naturally I think it must all be my fault...I don't understand why she is doing this and I don't know what more to do to stop it, other than marching her into a police station. Can anyone offer experience/advice?

OP posts:

MrsGrindah · 10/09/2018 17:48

I think it is enough actually. I think you have been tough and fair but marching her into a police station won’t be as straightforward as you think depending on what their resources are. Give your punishments time to bed in and if she does everything you’d have asked and is genuinely remorseful then you will know it’s been enough.

CherryPavlova · 10/09/2018 18:03

The goods have gone to a charity shop? Does that not rather condone the theft? Surely she should have returned them to their rightful owners - the shops she stole them from and had to apologise to them.

How old is she? That would impact on my reaction. I’d stop all sleepovers until further notice and consider moving her school to ensure a change of friendship group. If she’s persistent in her lies then she hasn’t reformed.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 10/09/2018 18:06

i think you have acted completely right. how old is she? perhaps you could get her started volunteering in your local charity shop if she is old enough. she will be distracted, meet new people, and learn more about the amount of effort working people put in. there is a website called vinspired.com which lets teens work towards awards when they volunteer. all the best x

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BastardGoDarkly · 10/09/2018 18:08

That's enough in my eyes.

This 'friend' , have they been friends long? Does dd struggle with friends?

I know she's done wrong, but I'd be interested to hear more from her about the 'trying to impress friends' bit.

Original poster

Scottishsummer · 10/09/2018 18:10

CherryPavlova

She has just turned thirteen. All sleepovers have indeed been banned. She can't move school as it's the only one we could get her into a very tough London burgh situation.

I take your suggestion of returning the goods very seriously, but unfortunately I have already given them to charity.

My concern is that she herself may be the ringleader here. She says not, but I bet the other girl says the same thing.

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Original poster

Scottishsummer · 10/09/2018 18:14

Sleepismysuperpower

Thank you so much for this brilliant idea, and for the link. I also felt that she didn't respect the labour of the shop staff or the people who made the goods. This would be a great way to teach her the value of labour and the worth of goods.

Bastargodarkly - She has just lost a friend and is still trying to find her place in the world. She regularly uses all her pocket money to give gifts to her friends; I have tried to explain, over and over, that she is herself the gift and she doesn't need to buy them. She has a very popular and successful older sibling....

OP posts:

Original poster

Scottishsummer · 10/09/2018 18:16

Does anyone have experience of a teenager doing this, being found out and then stopping. I am so shocked by it.

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sleepismysuperpower1 · 10/09/2018 18:20

my dc arent old enough for this yet, but i would also strongly encourage her to move away from the friendship group. try getting her into a youth group, or dancing or singing etc. that way she will meet new people. also friends from her old school, if she has them on social media then she can arrange to meet up with them again.

whatareyoueatingNOW · 10/09/2018 18:40

I went through a phase of theft (phase makes it sound so trivial- I know it wasn't) I got caught and punished ; To be honest, everyone knowing, and being "banned" from doing it again, and separated from socialising outside school; it was a relief. I started small and quickly got addicted sort of, and couldn't stop myself. It was low self esteem and foolishness.

Original poster

Scottishsummer · 10/09/2018 18:41

whatareyoueatingNOW - thank you. I really appreciate your message. I hope you have got over the low self-esteem!

OP posts:

LemonysSnicket · 10/09/2018 18:53

I think it's enough. I think a it of kids go through a shoplifting phase as they learn to balance want with means. Paying the money back and a grounding means she learns that the crime cost her more than just buying the goods would have and hopefully sets her right.
Any more and you risk her never telling you the truth about anything out of fear of extreme punishment.

whatareyoueatingNOW · 10/09/2018 19:07

I have. Im a normal, law abiding happy adult.
Your dd will be too- you sound a supportive mother with clear boundaries. She's obviously made a huge mistake, and I'm sure she's feeling ashamed. But people pleasing and the want to be liked can be such a draw at that age. I think you've reacted appropriately and drawn clear and appropriate consequences - good luck x

madeoficecream · 10/09/2018 19:12

I think you reacted totally right!
I went through a similar experience with my best friend when I was 12. She was caught as she took it alot further than I did. I only really did it to show off to the group once in a makeup shop... whereas she was doing it all the time alone. She was punished in a similar way to your daughter when she was caught and she never did it again after that.

I still know her now and shes lovely! It really was just a phase for her. I think many girls go through it.

WobblyLondoner · 10/09/2018 19:26

I was caught shoplifting at about the same age in a local newsagents. A bloody chocolate bar. They called my mother, who came and picked me up, and cried - and I had to go to the police station to be given a telling off. I was so mortified, I've never stolen anything since and still have a fear of someone thinking I might have taken something I haven't paid for.

This was many years ago though, and I don't know how the police would handle it now. I think what you are doing is enough - and I think the volunteering idea is a very good one to explore.

habibihabibi · 10/09/2018 19:38

There was a whole ring of shoplifting going on in my (independent boarding ) school. It was almost a competitive sport amongst the sixth form. Cameras caught them in a department store and the police were called and the parents.It caused a huge uproar and made the papers. Nobody as far as I know did it again.

I think being hard as you can in the first instance is the right stance..

Causeimunderyourspell · 10/09/2018 19:58

I wouldn't rush to march her into shops or police stations. She will get reprimanded and this will affect her uni and job prospects in future. Before anyone jumps in with "well don't do the crime if you can't do the time", she's just a young girl who has made a silly mistake.

I got caught shoplifting when I was 14. I got a reprimand which as far as I know, is still on my record now. It has stopped me going for certain jobs through fear of it showing up and the sheer embarrassment that would cause.

I got grounded for the whole summer holidays but to be honest, just getting caught was bad enough. I'd let it go now tbh, it sounds like you have punished her thoroughly but I wouldn't labour the point. You want her to feel you were firm but fair, not that you completely over-punished to the point she will fear ever telling you anything again.

pineappple · 10/09/2018 20:11

@Scottishsummer you sound like a fab parent and that you've handled the situation well :)

Original poster

Scottishsummer · 10/09/2018 20:17

Madeoficecream, WobblyLondoner, habibihabibi, Causeimunderyourspell, pineappple

I am so grateful for your responses and your support. Thank you so much. You've made me think about over-punishment and the possibility of her never owning up to anything again. A really big insight for me.

I am so grateful for these responses - thank yo so

OP posts:

Neweternal · 10/09/2018 20:40

Yes I stole a packet of polos at 8 or 9 and got caught. The newsagent told me off I was mortified. Never did it again, although when I was 14 a friend shoplifted and I was with her we were arrested and put in a sort of cells for hour and hours. Got taken home by the police, my parents were out so my friends Mum took me in she was lovely and explained to my parents on their return that knowing this girl the story I was telling was true. It wasn't me stealing and I'm still disappointed at that to this day, but I made her a friend. I don't remember any punishment of my parents they were in fact very supportive. I have no criminal record and have had a successful career. My childhood friend relocated to another side of the country and although I still like her she's still not trustworthy. Adolescents is about discovering yourself and by nature make silly mistakes, hopefully this is one.

feverbee · 10/09/2018 20:54

You've definitely acted in the right way by setting boundaries and consequences. I wouldn't take her to the police station though, I think that's too harsh. That could seriously effect her future. There's always been a rumour that says if you're under 16 and you commit a crime your record gets wiped when you turn 16 - that's wrong. If she was charged with something like shop lifting that would seriously effect her future. I would lay that fact on thick! I got caught shop lifting when I was 14 but the shop didn't press charges. Thankfully they didn't because my job now involves having to have a clean record, I've been squeaky clean ever since - mostly because of the consequences my parents set. I was mortified afterwards too! We all make silly mistakes when we're young - she doesn't deserve to have her future effected because of it.

Starlight345 · 10/09/2018 21:14

I haven’t read all of the replies however as teenagers are quite insular does she understand how it would affect her if she got caught. Jobs , travel visa’s etc.

I also think while completely appropriate to punish there is also a time to listen and try to see if she will let you know what’s going on in her head ( challenging in a teenage I realise)

Lostandfound81 · 10/09/2018 21:21

I think you need to grasp that this most definitely is not the first time your DD has done this. To have successfully avoided being caught from a number of different shops and got high value items - your DD has experience

CarolDanvers · 10/09/2018 21:23

I think it's more than enough and you need to calm down now.

I went through a stage of doing this, I got beaten for it and my family didn't speak to me for three months, not a word, I was 14, living at home and ignored. The best thing that happened was getting caught. That terrified the life out of me. I didn't really need anymore punishment.

Gersemi · 10/09/2018 21:28

No, given that DD is being made to pay for the goods. The shops aren't going to want things like bars of chocolate back, and aren't going to want the clothes if there's any possibility they've been worn.

CherryPavlova · 10/09/2018 21:30

Germsemi I kind of get that - and given she’s so young, I think it’s been handled fine but my point is that she needs to return the goods to the rightful owner whether they want them back or not.

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