OUT OF CONTROL 16 YR OLD SON

[tinky07]

Help. Our son has always been difficult with his behaviour and concentration from primary school to secondary school, we were also going up to the school. There is a major clash between him and his dad and our son becomes physical with his dad, throwing things at him, being in his face goading and pushing him. Over 3 years ago we got Children's Services involved at least two times, School Nurse, CAMHS, but never got the help from SENCO at the school, no diagnosis. Recently had a SW again, due to another incident at home, our son becomes very verbally abusive and damages the house/property. Me & my husband attended the first two sessions of Family Therapy but our son wouldn't go, he wouldn't engage with the SW. MY husband had not spoken to our son since last Sept but following the F/Therapy they started to talk and build bridges, this lasted for 4/5 wks, as soon as the SW saw this he closed the case down. Unfortunately this was short-lived, my son got into a disagreement with his dad and punched him several times resulting in a black eye. The SW was told but doesn't want to know. My husband has had enough and now wants nothing to do with our son but wont press charges whilst our son is still in the house. My son assaulted his sister a couple of yrs ago as well, the police were called but she was only 16 yrs old and didn't want to press charges. I persuaded our son to come to the 3rd session of Family Therapy but my husband doesn't want to know anymore. Our son is now back under CAMHS and has an appointment to see Child Psychologist next month. Forgot to mention our son smokes pot/cigarettes/vapes/drinks. He's started college and has used money I have given him for recent trips/equipment for his course on himself. He goes to college and doesn't come home until 10/11pm, at the weekend he wanted to stay over at a house party, but I said he could go but I would pick him up, he stayed out all night, I found out he had gone to a club in town, then came back lunchtime the following day then went out again. My husband has mobility/health issues and continues to stay up all night & drinks 3 bottles of wine each night and stays in bed till 4 pm. I feel my life is over, our daughter is off to uni shortly and I just don't know what to do. I think my marriage is well and truly over as if I don't do something my husband will end up killing himself or do I call Children's Services and tell them we can't manage anymore. I have no brothers and sisters and my husbands family are hundreds of miles away. HELP

Sounds like you need to leave tbh, it sounds unhealthy for all concerned. Your husband needs to get himself help as he clearly has a problem. Your son is old enough that you can't control him. Your daughter is making her escape to uni, and for your sanity, you should probably escape too. You could try children's services for your son maybe.

You poor thing OP - what a lot of trouble on your plate and not a lot of joy

Does you DS know/accept that he may have a SEN and that diagnosis could lead to medication that will help him to concentrate, etc? It sounds like he could well have ADHD or Oppositional Defiant Disorder or something going on. You say he's always been difficult and had behavioural problems, so it seems quite likely that he does have some kind of diagnosis. Can you talk to him? Does he listen? Would he even care?

As for you, have you been and had a chat with your GP about all this stuff? I feel you could do with some serious support and/or counselling. My friend, whose ex is an alcoholic and pot smoker has found the support of Al-Anon invaluable since her marriage broke down. I recommend you try and go yourself - I think you could find it really helps you and gives you others in the same position to talk to and who will empathise with you Al Anon

Get your husband to press charges and have him sent to a youth offender unit. This has gone way too far and he cannot be allowed to continue to be violent. He needs to learn that this is not acceptable. The case with his sister should strengthen your husbands case. It's for the best, he cannot be allowed to continue unchecked otherwise you may have a strangers injuries on your conscience.

I'm so sorry if that came out harshly. You must be so worried. What I'm saying is that you won't protect him by attempting to get a diagnosis at this late stage. Nobody will overlook violence in an adult even if he does have an SEN. It's a reason not an excuse. He sounds like a very angry young man to me, possibly with mental health issues not a learning need. If this is the case I would personally look to channel some of his aggression productively. The military would be my suggestion. However your husbands attitude sets him a very poor example and may well be part of this issue. Angry young men are often looking for role models who they can look up to and resoect, which your husband clearly isn't at this point.

He's 16 - not an adult.

I don't mean to sound harsh OP but if you really can't cope, which it sounds as though you can't, you should ask SS to take him in to care. Looked after children, even at 16/17 get much more support and people invested in their wellbeing. In 2 years no one will care. It will relieve some pressure on you and DH and also make it clear to him that he can't attack members of his family. I'm shocked that you allowed him to remain in the family home after he attacked his sister whether she wanted to 'press charges' or not. She will still be home during long uni breaks and deserves to be safe in her own home. A member of my family was the same at your sons age and 6 years later he is still terrorising his parents and in between stints in prison, for seriously injuring his father (long hospitalisation) and attacking other people including women. Your son may just be young enough to turn things around but the current situation isn't resolving anything.

Thank you for all your advice. I am going to see my GP then have to make decisions in the next few days on how I can move forward on the situation as it can't continue.

First off go to GP for yourself. Get some help for your stress whether it be councelling or medication. If you feel like your marriage is over, leave him. You're not your husband's mother youre meant to be his partner so its not your job to look after him.

As for your son. Call the police if he gets abusive. That'll either shock him or he'll stay the same. You shouldn't have to put up with that. Write him a letter telling him how his behaviour makes you feel. Don't give him any money for anything and if he kicks off call the police. Send him to live with another member of the family? He's hardly a child he shouldn't be behaving like that, he should have respect for his parents.

As a younger person myself (22) I always wanted to be out and getting drunk with my mates. Only when I was pregnant I really grew up. That doesn't mean that he should be abusive though. I was never abusive to either of my parents. To be honest he deserves a good smack.

I hope you're ok. Do what's best for you. Sometimes in life you need to be "selfish". Live your life for you no one else, your son's almost a grown man, you've done your part.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I have made an appointment to see the GP, think following an argument with my husband last night it's over. I'm just so tried