Can someone suggest some strategies for getting my relationship with ds back on track please?

[Zog]

ds is 8 and in year 3. He's always been, shall we say, fairly oppositional and always has an answer for everything. Lately, I've been struggling to get him to do even the most routine of tasks without a long drawn out battle. It seems to erupt mostly around things that I have to make him do (e.g. put on suncream) but where he can't see the point. Perfect example this morning, asked him to put on suncream 5 minutes before leaving the house. Cue him going "oh but it's not sunny, I don't need to etc etc" and me eventually screaming "JUST DO IT" which is not really the way I want to do things.

IMO, he has to brush his teeth properly (not just pick up the toothbrush, make it wet and put it down again and he has to wear suncream in the Summer, regardless of whether the day starts cloudy or not. There are just some things in life that are non-negotiable.

How can I deal with this in the best way - any suggestions gratefully received!

Could you explain your point of view to him at times when he seemed to be more likely to have a discussion about things? Try not to insist on something at the point of doing it or 5 mins before going somewhere. Make time to discuss it.
Perhaps if he understood why you were asking him to do these things he might be more inclined to do them.
A lot of things in life are negotiable. While he may need to brush his teeth I think he needs to understand why.
For myself, we tend to avoid most suncreams as they're loaded with chemicals and unless applied correctly they are not even very effective.

Trouble is, I've done that. He understand that his teeth will rot and he is horrified at the thought of having fillings. When I have three kids to get out of the door, surely it's not unreasonable to expact some things to be non-negotiable??

What if you change the time when he brushes his teeth? When he first gets up? Then it's done?
I have 9 children so do sympathise with the frustration of having to get all the jobs done before you leave home. Sometimes juggling around the variables (time, whether it's really important, explaining, etc) really makes a difference. And yes I've also done the 'JUST DO IT' but as you realise it doesn't really solve anything.

Wow, nine - respect!

I see what you're saying, but he is also a leave it until the last moment type person or failing that, don't bother at all. If it was down to him, he wouldn't brush his teeth ever. So with the best will in the world, there is only so much leaving him to his own devices that I feel I can do over things that do matter (like teeth, speaking as one who has had a great deal of root canal treatment in her time). Surely it's my responsibility to make sure he does it?

Maybe get him up 10 minutes earlier and explain why, go with him to the bathroom, watch him brush his teeth. Do this until you are happy with him doing it himself. If it's such an issue and left to his own devices he won't do it then I would set aside a time for it to be done and supervise. Easier said than done, I know, especially when in the middle of everything else.

If he is getting pocket money, you can deduct 50p every time he does not do as he is told.

You can tell him that it can work both ways, if you shout at him you will put in an extra 50p, but if you ask him something politely and he starts debating with you or arguing then 50p goes back to you. If he wants the same explanation every time, then so be it, tell him that from now on if that is the case then we will all get up half an hour earlier so we have time to explain him about tooth decay, cancer, malnutrition or whatever he needs explained before he gets out the door in the mornings. That one is probably only going to last for a few days, if he insists.

Sorry don't have an 8 year old myself, but hope this will help anyway.

I wouldn't do the money thing, to be honest. That changes the whole relationship of the thing. If it was me, I would want him brushing his teeth (or whatever) because he understood why, not just for money. Also you could get to the point where he calculates how much money he's willing to lose to avoid the hassle of brushing. It all starts to become about money and hassle rather than why it's beneficial to him to brush.

I am interested in this thread because I have a ds 13 who is the same - everything I ask is a battle.
I've tried everything I can think of and am now exhausted. Reasoning with him doesn't work, punishing him doesn't work.
I've now told him the bottom line is that until he leaves home he has to put up with my rules, one of which is that his parents are the bosses.
I hope someone comes up with a suggestion that I haven't tried, so will watch in hope.

I did not say that he would get away with not brushing his teeth, if he does not do it voluntarily then mummy would do it.

It is a matter of mummy asking nicely, boy does, boy keeps pocket money.
Mummy asking nicely, boy does not, then boy's mummy brushes teeth and boy looses some pocket money.
Boy starts to learn a bit more about the value of money, and hopefully also respect for mummy. He will also learn that teethbrushing, suncream, winterjacket or whatever the issue is, then if mummy asks you politely to do something then you do it, if you have an issue with it you don't shout, you can ask her why and she will explain and you can talk about it without the need for either to shout.

"boys mummy brushes teeth" What? An unwilling 8yo. That could be interesting. Could be quite a battle.

Interesting suggestions here, thank you. DS is very motivated by money and we have had success in the past with that kind of approach but I don't really want to get locked into paying him for something he really should just be doing IYKWIM.

However, I do like the idea of getting him up early each day so we can run through the explanations - he'd hate that

Keep 'em coming...