DS 10 behaviour making me stressed - any advice please

[Honey1975]

My DS is rude, selfish and argumentative. I am starting to feel stressed & ill from the constant arguing and disagreements with him.
He plays football but other than that his only interest is looking at a screen whether it be xbox, tv or ipad. We have tried taking these away and then he becomes nice for a day until he gets it back again and then is horrid again.
I realise that it is all completely mine & dh’s fault that we have let it get to this point but we are where we are and I need advice to change things.
I have this morning removed the xbox and will not be giving it back until i have worked out what to do.
The sad thing is when he doesn’t have electronics he just doesn’t know what to do and says he is bored.

Please please can anyone help? Our family is a very unhappy one right now and I feel crap and at my wits end.

My DD is 10 and we find her behaviour changes when she has access to her tablet or tv. If I take it away for a week she moans, nags and whines but I have learnt to ignore or just add another day to the weeks punishment. WE have stuck to our guns and it works, change your wifi password and remove the controllers and remotes for the television.

Of course he is going to kick off but ignore him or tell him to go to his room until he has learnt to grow up.

I bought her a lot of art supplies and she has a lot of books to read especially science as she loves her science. And she is quite happy with that when we take her media away.

Do not give in, stand your ground, I know it is difficult, remember you are the parent and he is the child. These years are important as we are teaching them structure and what rules are all about.

Ps Valerian has become my best friend when I find I am frazzling or she is working on my nerves with her whining.

You're right to remove the X box, iPad etc. You can tell him that if his behaviour doesn't improve permanently they'll be binned. It's a complete waste of time playing on these things, they're addictive and kids just want to spend all their time playing pointless games. If he's bored, tough. He'll have to find some other hobbies, football, reading ...

My ds (10) is also struggling with playing anything else but Xbox and iPad.... but every now and then he will play with nerf guns or Lego with his sister. Mon-fri I just let him have his iPad after reading and hw tbh, it's only about an hour before he has to stop and get sorted for bed. At the weekends if he says he is bored, I give him jobs and/or extra multiplication and spellings . I do let him have his iPad/Xbox after a few hours of occupying himself. The trick is not to give in straight away in the morning as it's harder to take it away once he has it.

Does he have any siblings/play dates? Do you sit and watch films with him? Play games (uno, top trumps etc?)

Thank you Beaverhausen. Can I ask do you have any rules around usage times when she is allowed it? I hate to admit it but sometimes I think it’s easier to leave him om there if I need to get other jobs done but later realise he has been in there far too long! At weekends I think we need to spend more time doing stuff as a family but there’s always so much to catch up on after being at work all week.

What is Valerian?

I think that sometimes kids don't know how to play when there's no screens involved. So as well as removing them you need to help home learn how to fill his time. To begin with it's a lot of effort on your part, but eventually they'll get the hang of it.

Get all the Lego out and sit with him and build. Or play scrabble or teach him some card games. Make sure he has an interesting book to hand and sit and read together for half an hour.

Get his bike in the garden and give it a clean and service so he can go and ride it.

We've been through this and now we say for every hours reading you get 30 minutes of screen time in the bank. Or whatever activity, so he gets to dsee some other stuff but doesn't totally lose his screens.

Passthecake yes he has a younger sister who he is constantly winding up or telling her to be quiet! There is an age gap so they dont always want to do the same things.
It is frankly draining and depressing me & at times I feel like driving off and leaving them to it!

I also have a ds 10. Get yourself a kitchen timer and set a limit for screen time. I found 2 hours a day was ok and stops him getting grumpy. Then get your ds involved in other things. I take mine cycling on the common, swimming, or tell him he is going to make supper one night a week. Get him involved in planning the food and go to the supermarket to choose it. It might be a tex mex pack or a pizza with salad but he has to choose, buy & prepare it. You may get some not great meals but he’ll get better. Teach him to use a kitchen knife properly. Buy him some books- try Percy Jackson or Alex Ryder and then take away his electronics, eventually he will read through sheer boredom. Or get them from the library.
Get your dh to show him how to service his bike - I’m a single mum so I had to learn how to do it myself first. Take him blackberry picking and make a crumble.
Look at British orienteering and take him & one of his friends. That’s usually no more than £2.
What about cubs or the local skateboard park? Mine does karate on a Sunday which is about £7 a week.
Pay him £10 to wash your car rather than use the local car wash.

I also work full time so can appreciate it's hard in the week. Luckily I have a dd who is 18mths younger than my stroppy 10yr old so she can get around him sometimes... but it does mean she is stuck to the iPad/Xbox at times too... argh.

I worry about what's going to happen when mine starts secondary school. Will he let himself in and go on the screens for 1.5-2hrs before someone else comes home

My 10yr old is washing my car and cleaning out the rabbits today, £1 a job. Is yours money motivated?

Another thing I found really helped was to allocate him an hour at a weekend that is just you and him. He can suggest what to do but he gets your full uninterrupted attention.

I second the alone time with you. I took mine individually out to lunch, doesn’t have to be expensive, and spend one to one time with him. I also think you should explain why you don’t want him spending so much time on iPads/xboxes and the dangers involved. Social isolation etc

@Honey1975 She is not allowed her tablet weekdays as it is school days and we limit the amount of time she spends watching television, max she is allowed 2hrs a day tv.

But Saturdays she pretty much has it for a out 4 hrs as we have signed her up to the local lads and girls club so she gets to go there for 3 hrs on a saturday or sunday to socialise. i find games and tablets isolate her too much. On a Sunday we allow her a few extra hours unless we are going out, but we try and take her out on a sunday tramplening and we go for walks or visit places like museums etc. Other than that on a Sunday tablet and nintendo is given up at 5pm till the following Saturday.

Try and see if there are any kids clubs in your area where he can go for a few hours on a weekend, they tend to do things like sports etc so it is not just kids sitting around.

But we had to become strict as it took over her life and her behaviour changed etc.

Also set chores for him and give him pocket money, ie behaviour, packing away dishes and keeping his room tidy. But definately remove media and limit his usage but I would not suggest weekdays they have to learn that school work and behaviour comes first. DD gets £5 a week maybe a little less if she has not done her chores etc.

And honestly we have no more problems, she knows that we are serious and does not overstep the bounds anymore.

I like the idea of spending one on one time with him although feel it is difficult to see when that could happen. I don’t even think he would want to. I feel like my relationship with him has broken down and he is mucg closer to dh. All I seem to do is nag him and tell him off because he is disobedient and disrespectful. I never have time to give him attention as my dd is very demanding of my attention. I don’t think ds would even want to go out alone with me, the way he talks to me it’s as if he has total disdain for me😢

@Honey1975 Valerian is a herbal pill that you take for stress and anxiety. It just helps me to stay calm and not to get too worked up and helps with a decent nights sleep without having to take a Valium lol.

It is going to seem tough with him the first 1 or 2 weeks but trust me after a while he wont ask anymore.

I work during school hours, with running a house and raising a child you just need to remain calm as they can get on your nerves. :)

Thanks .Beaverhausen, sounds like I could do with some of that! I find it very difficult to remain calm when my child speaks to me with such disrespect. I can see though that my reaction probably makes him think it’s ok to act like that too! I feel like we’ve massively messed up although he does seem to be ok at school which is something I suppose.
I don’t know how to remain calm when I’m actually fuming, any ideas?

Sit the family down around the table and you ad DH lay the law down, make it clear this is not a negotiation meeting, it's a this is a how it's going to be from now on meting, caused because things are currently unpleasant for everyone and everyone needs to change.

No blame, no recriminations, no looking backwards, going forward with everyone having better behaviour and better attitudes is the goal.

Thats a great idea BlankTimes I’m going to sit down with dh later and work out our plan and then we will have a family meeting. At the moment it feels like both the dc’s are ruling the roost and things need to change as it’s even affecting my relationship with dh.

I was once given an amazing piece of advice by a very eminent paediatrician who told me that I was the parent. It seems obvious but the idea is that you trust yourself to make the right decisions re your child. They do not get to chose what you or the family do all the time. Don’t be afraid to be the parent

Thank you for this thread.
I also have a 10 year old.
It’s hard because we are separated and ex h is a lot less strict than me re screen time so I feel like a nag and I’m slipping so he’s spending
More and more time on them 😥

There will be strops, moaning and pleading but stick to your guns. I also it’s important to explain why you’re doing this and to show that you’re on your ds side and not against him.
I found some articles about the negative affects of too much screen time and gaming on kids to show that I was doing it out of love for them and not to make their lives a misery.
You will have to help with alternative activities but once he gets used to it, it will be fine.
Give him access to crafts, puzzles, play a board game, do some baking, watch some tv and whatever else he enjoys.
My dcs only have gaming time on the weekend now and it works fine.

Ds9 (nearly 10) likes things like board games, card games, puzzles. If he's into games, that might work as a distraction from it. If he's bored, get him someone round to play and get him out to the park. This is what helps forus

No advice I have a 14 year old DS the same. He is taller than me and can be very rude and aggressive the XBOX is about all he is interested in. I took the Xbox controllers, his iPad and the mouse from the computer to work one day last week and left them in the boot of my car for 48 hours for really bad behaviour. Like your DS he was angry but then as nice as can be until he got it back.