Realistic expectations

[ginonymous]

I'm trying to understand if I have realistic expectations of my husbands contribution to day to day life with a baby. He works and I stay at home looking after our 10 month old. How much do other dads/partners contribute to daily baby tasks like nights/early morning wake ups/ nappies/ feedings/ playing etc. And other home life chores etc.

When he's home he does as much and often more than me with the children. We both sort out any night issues, children are both over 2 years old so no night feeding anymore. I did use to do all night feeds because I was breastfeeding. DP would have the kids on the weekend if I needed to rest.

Housework is evenly split, we both tidy/clean/do laundry as much as the other. I cook, because I'm here when it's the children's tea time on weekdays. He will organise stuff for weekend lunch/tea though.

Way I look at it, if your baby was in nursery then the person looking after your baby would be classed as working so you and your DH should also class you looking after your baby in a similar way. During the day you might be at home so certainly be great if you do get a few chores done here and there but it shouldn't all fall to you otherwise you'll be missing out on raising your baby.

We do both work fall time so you might argue it's a little different but even when I was maternity leave we split everything, even night feeds.

Also I think it's super important that both of you get some "me time" every now and then. For me that might just be baking with no disruptions by DS or DH. For my DH that's going out on his bike. Plus don't forget to make a bit of time for you and your DH together, our parents are great at babysitting for us so we have a date night at least once a month.

Mine entertains DS while I make dinner and does bath time into PJs. He reads while I BF Ds then if he won't settle for me, he does bedtime. Doesn't do overnight as DS only wants BF 95% of the time. He does any nappy any time he's home and often looks after DS for several hours on a weekend and his day off.

We both split other tasks according to who's there at the time and preference

(I'm the husband)

At 10 months with our first:

• At the weekends, we each did one night and morning wake-up while the other had a lie-in. The rest of the weekend we split about a third doing things together, a third time off for me and a third time off for her.
• Weekdays after I left for work, she did all pretty much daytime care, as I sadly rarely got home before bedtime. When I occasionally did, I always took over immediately as I quite liked bedtime and she didn't, though we're only talking about half an hour here.
• Weekday nights/mornings, I did 3 and she did 2, just cos I found it easier to get back to sleep if disturbed. We had a good sleeper, though.

Housework, she did what she could during the day, and then we tried to split whatever was left evenly in evenings and weekends. Honestly, though, it wasn't even - she has higher standards than me, which makes it hard to keep it even

DH works full time and I’m a sahm. Currently have DS 3 and DD 11m. I do pretty much all the night wakings, although DH will deal with it if it’s before he goes to bed at around midnight. He is out of the house around 8.30am - 6.30pm so I often do bedtime by myself, although he’ll do DS if he’s home on time. he gets up early with them probably 4 days a week, depending on night wakings, and we have a lie in each on a weekend. We each get some me time on a weekend. And we’ve both had weekends away with friends etc and regular nights out. Nappy changes and things I’d say we were equal when we’re both home.

I do the vast majority of the housework as I’m home and I use nap/nursery time, but DH will do what is asked and does all garden stuff and diy. I also usually do most cooking, but there’s no issue if I haven’t managed it that day. He’ll do it. Or get something on the way home. He cooks more on a weekend. I do get annoyed sometimes that he doesn’t help out enough with housework, but he will do it if I actually ask him and he does his set jobs just fine, he just needs prompting for stuff I think is obvious - like emptying the dishwasher!

so when kids were small,
when both at home, both responsible, so if i'm cooking dinner he is bathing baby.
No-one sits down until all jobs done, between us.

weekends 50/50 in terms of who gets up, who is in charge of kids, jobs that need doing, food cooking, nappies etc.

But for us, during the week, as I was at home and he was at work, and our kids were fairly laid back, I did a lot of the cooking/cleaning/laundry during the day (or not, house was never spotless). So it was basically what I hadn't got done we split between us evenings and weekends (or left it undone)

I did night wakings during week, and we split them at weekend. (but all of ours were sleeping through at 10 months)

I would say though, that my introverted dh did much better if he came home and had half an hour to read paper and just re-group. I remember my mum was the same, so it is worth making it happen as then he has energy to be full on rest of evening.

Oh and my friend had a baby that could not be put down and cried on and off all day long, for months.
She was so calm and laid back, and when her husband walked in she handed the baby straight to him and went into the kitchen/diner and shut the door, and pretended to cook dinner!

She could only maintain that calm parenting style, knowing that he would come and take over.

An hour later and everyone fed, and he bathed the baby and put her down.

I’m going to go against the grain & admit we are not very evenly split. We have a 9 month old baby. Husband works long hours with a longish commute, I’m still on maternity leave. I do everything for the baby Monday to Friday, as husband just isn’t here. I do nights as he breastfeeds at night. On weekends we get a lie in each. I would like weekends to be better split, but because I do everything during the week, I am still the default parent on weekends. We are trying to change that a bit but we’re finding it hard (me as much as husband, I’m the sort of person that just gets on & does things).
House work wise - much more evenly split, cleaning etc probably 50:50. I do the cooking, just because I enjoy it & it helps me relax.
I don’t think our situation is anywhere near ideal but wanted to give an answer that wasn’t quite as equal as the others!! This is just our reality currently.