Long explanation and a question at the end!
I separated from children's father about 5 years ago.
He moved a few hours away and they go to stay with him for about half of their short holidays - 1/2 terms, and spend maybe 2 one week long stays with him in the summer holidays. This summer, they spent 12 days with him, the longest they've spent with him. They are girls, aged 9 and 13.
I was told (by them) on return that they'd stayed up until midnight almost every night and stayed in bed until lunchtime every day, and watched some films, which the 9 yr old particularly seemed quite negatively affected by. Hot Fuzz (I have seen and found funny, but do not think it is for children), The Kingsman - secret service (haven't seen but parts were graphically described by the 9 yr old - it sound really full on gory) and The Hitman's Bodyguard (I saw this one a couple of nights before I collected them...and found it mildly amusing at best, but over the top violent, and really really sweary).
Tiny bit of back story - we separated because of numerous affairs both physical and online 'emotional' (him - although who knows whether the online women were even women...they seemed to only show their vaginas which could have been pasted in from any porn site, could have been bots) and porn addiction (him). Pot addiction and probably a bit of an alcoholic. Oh yes, and at some point he convinced me that I should let him take 'artistic' nude shots.
I later found out that he had posted them on amateur porn sites. I asked him to take them down (I have a problem with the online porn world). He said no. They were his photos, so his property, and I had no rights over them. So I really don't like him very much, and find contact difficult at best, but at the same time I want to facilitate if I can a good relationship between him and his children.
My big problem is - how would you all feel? given the back story and lack of trust (he thinks he's a bit of a 'peterpan' party animal, despite being over 50 now) and given he seems to not be able to make responsible decisions about what is and isn't appropriate for their ages (which feeds into my own fear about his porn use and the children either coming across his online adventures...oh, actually they have already actually seen photos of his penis when looking at his phone, apparently, and he told them not to tell me because I might stop them from seeing him...), would you still be comfortable allowing the children to stay with him? Day visits are out of the question because of the distance, and he says he can't afford the time or the fuel to just come and visit them for a day.
I should also add, he lives in a kind of chalet thing which doesn't always have running water, hot or cold, and he has a camping bucket as a toilet. And he is, according to the children, trying really hard to give up smoking his funny things that he sprinkles stuff into...but he does go outside after he's rolled them.
I have been advised (to my surprise) to come here for advice because I called child maintenance options today trying to get a CMS payment in place...and they said for this kind of advice try mumsnet. Interesting, that a government advice centre is saying ask here, but there we go. I've done it.
Would you let your children go there, if he was their father?
Should I be more accepting of them watching 15R violence and gore, even if they don't like it?
Am I going to be tarred with the 'precious first born' mother brush for being concerned...