Not coping..

[MommaGray]

I guess I'm writing this because I'm crying my eyes out and so is my 10 month old son. I should be putting him to sleep nicely like a good mum but I'm so exhausted and on the brink of screaming at him, so just plonked him in bed and he's been crying ever since.

I also have a nearly 6 year old daughter and I am not coping with either of them to be honest.. I never did cope with being a mum but over the past few months it has gotten so bad that I've been experiencing deep depressions and 'psychotic' thoughts, barely able to talk to anyone or do anything, let alone parent. It makes me want to die. I just hate my life. I can't make it work and I can't cope with the house, the kids, the isolation.. I can barely manage school runs and although it was the first day back today which I managed I'm absolutely dreading the morning. My anxiety has led me to have panic attacks at the school before and it's horrendous. My partner works away for 4-5 days at a time and by the time he comes home I am a wreck and don't want to even be near him. My whole life seems to be in the shitter and my relationship is suffering. I am suffering. I just don't know what to do any more. I've struggled with mental health and exhaustion and ever since I can remember and in recent years have developed fibromyalgia to the point where I was hospitalised and disabled for a time. 'treatments' just dont work. They don't change my life after all. They don't help do the dishes when I'm exhausted and in pain. They don't get me a drink when I'm barely able to look after myself and wasting away. I am so miserably unhappy most of the time and I just can't bare another day. I should never have had kids and although my son was planned I regret it wholeheartedly. I regret having them both even though they're good kids. I feel I could fall to the floor with exhaustion but there are too many things that need doing, bottles, lunch box, more cleaning.. I'm always behind. I don't have friends and although my family helps out with the kids it doesnt matter. Even on the odd occasion I get a whole night to myself and can get myself feeling a bit better I just fall to the bottom of the pit again when they're home. I feel too young to think that my life is just over. There is no part of me that exists, except being mum. I'm ranting and just typing but I don't know what else to do. Most of the time I would call samaritans tbh. I get to the point where Im at the brink and have nowhere to turn. I know nothing you can say in reply to this will help. But just wanted to feel like I could say all this.

Sorry to hear your having such a hard time. Sounds like you have severe PND or phycosis. Have you spoken to a doctor at all? I really struggled with my DS now 7 months old. But leaving him in his cot while your feeling like this is the safest thing to do. Xx

I have been seeing doctors since age 11 regarding mental health, especially since having kids, they have never once taken me seriously or taken time to give a proper diagnosis and in fact signed me off from their care when I was suicidal and couldn't leave the house. I have tried medications. I have tried all the therapies. There is nothing a doctor can do either. It's so hard having to face this feeling so helpless.

Could you call your local crisis team? They will help you, it does sound like you may have some form of psychosis but it can be treated if you can reach out.

Is there anyone at all you can call on to help you tonight?

Being a mum and keeping on top of everything is so, so hard, even without all the extra difficulties you mention. I think part of the problem is that so many of us are raising our children in isolation. We don’t have supportive family or friends coming by. I almost feel like what you need is someone coming to see you and just helping out here and there so you don’t feel so alone.

Can you call your husband to come home?

Whereabouts are you? Wish I could be there to support you

I don't have any crisis number or anything like that. My partner can't come and even if he did I wouldn't want him to be here with me tbh, I feel extra nervous and anxious when he is around. I just don't feel safe in life at all. I crave sanctuary where I can just get better and be a real person one day. I will certainly get back in touch with the local mental health team tomorrow and see what help is out there.

Hmmum I do agree. It doesn't feel natural at all to live this way. As I said I don't have anyone who visits me or helps out. Or anyone to just chat to. It's been this way for years..

So sorry that you are feeling like this. I have fleetingly felt like this at times myself but luckily for me it passes quickly. Can you ask a relative to stay with you while your dh is away? Sometimes just another adult with you for company is good to make you feel less alone.

Oh op i didnt want to read and not say anything first of massive hugs you are going through a really hard time and i think you need to speak to your GP or HV and get some help and support also speak to your DP motherhood is so hard at the best of times but you also have all your health problems to deal with as well you are doing an awesome job momma and never forget that!! And when you are exhausted the littlest things seen such a massive deal we have all been there ive had to stop myself from shouting at my baby when she wont stop crying or when she wont sleep you are not alone

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.

I have a newborn and I can relate. The fact is you’re doing a great job looking after them, putting the baby down and leaving the room for a while is the right thing to do sometimes.

Does your husband know you’re feeling this way? Can he come home? Is he able to change his job so he is home more and you can get a break? Do you plan to go back to work? I know it can be hard when you have anxiety but it would give you a break from the kids.

Also, can you go to any Mum groups? For example if your local library has Rhyme Time, it’s a casual way to interact with other Mums and you may be able to develop some friendships.

Also, I agree that you need to find a good GP or call the crisis team. Mental health is so serious and these feelings need to be addressed asap. The first step is recognising the signs and you’ve done that already which is very positive. Please call Mind or Samaritans- someone will be able to advise.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

OP do you think going back to work could be part of a treatment plan? Not everyone is cut out to be a stay at home mum and if you also are isolated with no support system being back in the world and connected to other adults may help. It could be part time.

If you don’t already get their help have you contacted Home Start? They can send an adult to come and give you support regularly when you have young children at home.

How old are you? Did you continue your education past 18?

Just read your reply that is awful treatment you have received can you go back and demand to be taken seriously

When I was in a similar position, years ago, I had a lot of help from Home Start (I think that's the name). They are set up to help struggling parents. It made things a lot better, until I felt I was coping x

He said he would get a new job after I discussed it quite seriously with him after we had split for a while. (This wasn't very long ago). Don't think he is actively looking tbh as he can't find anything that will match the money. I don't have a job to go back to. I became a mum at 19 so didn't have chance to start a career or anything like that..

As for the suggestions regarding Mum groups etc I just cant. Like literally I've been out the house a handful of times in nearly a month. I can barely talk even to people close to me let alone strangers. It's been like this for years, in fact this is much better than it was. My partner thinks maybe I'm autistic or something because my social skills are pretty bad to say the least and I'm not into small talk or talking about kids..

I suffered a lot of trauma throughout all my teenage years and it left me very alone and unable to communicate really.. Any friends I did have just drifted away because I didn't want to go out and do the things they wanted to do which is fair enough.

I will call the mental health team but just worry that they will offer me the same services that I've tried so many times. I really don't think they can give me the support I need and I think lately I had come to terms with that but after this convo I will certainly call them again tomo.

Movablefeast I don't have work to go back to and I really struggle in any public places or just around people or wherever I have to communicate with people. I have done for years now.

I don't think I am ready to jump into a job like this - especially as that would add pressure. I'm bad at keeping plans and always cancel because I can't go out. Through anxiety I also struggle with skin-picking which means I often have cuts scabs sores on my face... this obviously makes everything worse..

I got back into education when my daughter was young and completed a couple of courses mostly from home due to my health. I'm into education a lot but after attempting university and things getting VERY bad I just don't think I'm ready to jump into that again either..

I'm at a loss where to start..

Really sorry to hear that OP.

Do you think it would be worth taking a hit financially and just have your husband work closer. Would he be open to this? I think you need to sit down and talk to him again if he already said he would look for work. Or if not could you afford to put the baby in childcare a few days a week so you get a break?

A lot of young mothers go on to study and have careers later on. Obviously you’re not at this stage right now but could you look at the open university or a course you could study at home? Also, I find just generally chatting on Mumsnet can help you feel a bit more connected on bad days. I’ve been out doing some gardening today just to get some fresh air which has made a big difference.

Sorry if these are all rubbish suggestions! Hope you are able to get some good support from the mental health team tomorrow.

Well OP, I was suggesting just small steps in an overall plan to help you. It does sound like you are very isolated, are you comfortable taking in the phone? What about your eldest child? Are you able to be out and about with her?

As for his job well I keep talking about it and he doesn't seem to be budging, every time we have the chat months go by and nothing has changed.. If I'm honest the relationship is really difficult for me atm and for him too as I am so unwell. We can't afford childcare either and the family help where they can around their own busy lives.

As for a course I certainly hope to once I'm well enough to cope with having something extra to deal with.

Daisychain I have been at my allotment today, plants are the only place I find some pleasantness. My garden is the safest place I have sometimes I wish I could fall asleep there.

I am glad to have joined mumsnet today thanks all for your messages.

Movablefeast I get out with her very occasionally but I suppose the answer is no. I just can't manage it and with her specifically I find so much guilt as she's dealt with my depression etc over the years and has had to grow up a lot quicker than other kids because of it. I guess when I look at her.. and she looks at my sad eyes and tired smile.. the guilt just eats me alive

You don’t have to make any plans right now, just get through tonight and contact your MH team tomorrow if you can.

It feels so desperate when you’ve been asking for help for so long and gotten nowhere, it took one amazing midwife to get me help, I hope you find someone to help you soon x

Coming in here and chatting can help you feel less isolated. Try not to feel guilty as it doesn’t add anything constructive to your life and you are doing your best.

Definitely talk to the team tomorrow and reach out to Home Start. Come and let us know how that goes as there is always someone here happy to chat, day or night. I am in the US so in a different time zone and am often around when it is evening/night in the UK. You will find mums from all over the world on here.

You are still here and so are the kids, go by my mantra on those kind of days “Everyone fed, no one dead!”. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else it is very destructive, you can be proud of yourself that despite all your struggles you have two beautiful children who are safe and well because you love them.

You are still very young as another poster said, you have plenty of time to fulfill your potential. But right now you are doing a very important job of caring for two young children and loving them.

It’s great that you get so much pleasure from your allotment and that you got out to check on it. I also love to garden, although I like flowers and shrubs while DH (dear husband) likes to grow veggies.

Do you find pleasure in anything else right now? Do you watch Netflix or Amazon Prime or British Telly?

As PP have said always come on here and talk there is always someone knocking around and happy to chat thats great you have an safe place you can go and get fresh air could you take the kids for a short walk? Around the block or up and down infront of your house and build it up if you can manage it?

Could you afford a little home help? Maybe someone to help for an hour in the morning and evening? If dh isn't actually looking for a new job perhaps he could help by getting you help with the physical side, cleaning etc?