DS making me feel insignificant

[Appleandbanana123]

Our relationship has been very strained since DS joined his 6th form, which he finished last year. One year living with his mates and working full time, he's now had a university place offer and is moving on 15th this month.
The things I don't understand and which are really hurting me:

• he still hasn't given me my birthday present (which was in April)
• he doesn't bother coming over to see us
• he wasn't even going to include me in his move to the uni
• both DH and I have made arrangements to travel there (time off work etc) and take new things for him, but I've had to chase DS up on the plan

During our falling out today, he's actually blamed me for the fact that he was going to go to his dad's (who lives near-ish the uni) this weekend without even popping over for dinner one day - he was just going to go. No response when I reminded him that he was supposed to organise for him and I to have lunch, and for him to give me my birthday present. And he's told me to just return the bedding etc that I bought for him (which I can't as I've washed it, and have no use for as it's single size).

Where has it all gone so wrong? I don't understand why he is treating me like I am totally insignificant. I raised DS as a single parent, with no support whatsoever from ex-h, and I've given him my very best.

I understand it's hurtful but it's time to step back now and let him have his independence. You do sound a bit childish and self-absorbed making a fuss about your birthday present and he should not be having to organise a lunch for you when he's trying to think about getting started at uni.

It sounds like you have a lot to be proud of and perhaps he feels he deserves your respect and approval after doing so well, not complaints about how he is not including you enough. At this point, you will push him away if you demand more than he wants to give. In time, he will probably not be so absorbed in finding his place in the world but this is his time to look outwards now. It is actually exhausting and all-consuming trying to study and survive as a teenager and he sounds like he's taking responsibility rather than farming it out to others.

After living alone for a year and managing by himself, he is well within his rights to get his own room and duvet sorted out for uni and this really shouldn't be about you - your place is to be supportive, nothing more. But I do agree that it's a pity about the birthday present. There again, this is very, very normal for a teenager and not something to make a big deal about (which is not normal for a mum). But I'm sure it does hurt.

He is an adult who is used to living away from home so you need to stop treating him like a child. At the same time he is still a young adult so he will be less thoughtful than a full formed adult.

You need to be around for him and not made needy demands of him. Making him feel like he has to see you and being miserable about it will push him away. Ask him if there is anything he would like him to buy for his uni room or offer to take him out to dinner.

Stop babying him. He clearly wants independence and your still trying to cling on as if he's 5 years old.

Forget the birthday present (presents do not equal love) it's not important.

He wants to be an adult, let him learn. Uni is a busy time where he wants to make friends and socialise and doesn't need his mum in the same way. Give him his independence.

I know he will always be your child, but you have to see him for the adult he is now.
You’ve raised him well, he’s ready to go out into the world, and you have to let him.

Youve done your job. He's spreading his wings. Let him go.

It sounds like assumptions have been made and not communicated, and you're now surprised and disappointed that he doesn't comply with your expectations.

The more he feels your disappointment, the further and faster he'll drift away.

If you give him some space and show him you're at peace with him finding his own way, I'm sure he'll come back in time.

My brother was an absolute horror for a couple of years at around the same age. The change in atmosphere when he actually gained his independence was a huge relief.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but most 18 year old university students have more interesting things to do than trying to please mummy.

Ask after him but give him space.

I actually believe that I placed no demands on DS other than being just a tiny little bit more considerate. Without going into full details, the whole uni move was very sudden / recent. Therefore, for DH and I to travel up, we both had to change our work commitments, and we were away for a few days last week. DS knew this, and as I saw the days going by, I was very annoyed by the fact that I had to chase him up to let us know what was happening - with him going up to his dad's the week before, whether I needed to drop by his house share to pick up anything before we (and he) left, or take anything up with us tomorrow - just practical arrangements. Other than that, I left him to it.

I asked him if he wanted anything for uni, and suggested that he made a list as his dad and grandparents would want to get him a few things too - hence the bedding; he said he needed new sets so I bought those, as well as tons of pasta (useful and as a bit of a joke), but nothing else. Again, I made that one suggestion and left him to it.

Yes, I was hoping that he'd find an evening to come and have dinner, and chat to us. And yes, I was disappointed that on top of not letting me know about the practical stuff he didn't bother with us at all. And yes, I am sulking over my birthday present, especially as he was happy to take my money for it. It is not the present per se, it is the principle of it.

As stands at the moment, we've gone away and come back and I haven't heard a word from him. To the best of my knowledge, he is at his dad's and due to move into his uni accommodation tomorrow. 18 years of holding the fort and keeping us afloat on my own, and a bit of consideration is too much to ask? Really?

Fine OP you only wanted confirmation you were right. Don't ask for opinions next time.

It's utterly bonkers to give your adult son money to buy you a birthday present though.

You gave your 18 yo (who is working full time) money to buy you a birthday present?

Why?

A lot of teenagers are just self-absorbed. It’s normal. You really just need to take a major step back and let him get on with his life.
Do you want him to do things just because you have made him feel guilty? You’ll just push him away.

Give him space and try to fill your own life with enjoyable and fulfilling things so you won’t have time to focus so much on what your son isn’t doing for you.

It's not realistic to expect a teenager to be grateful for everything a parent has done. It can come later once they have gained some life experience.

Not appreciation but just a bit of courtesy and consideration, seeing that we were waiting to hear from him in order to do things for him (i.e. collect some of his stuff). And we've taken time off work etc to accommodate the trip that we were going to make tomorrow. A message or two just to indicate what was going on really does not take much. Self-absorbed indeed! Me, me, me. Take, take, take. Apparently, we should have organised a dinner date seeing that he is the one leaving - minor detail is that I didn't prompt so that I couldn't be on his back, making demands. I have genuinely left him to get on with it, and only contacted him when it really wasn't practical to leave it any longer (just before we were due to go away).

On a separate note, I don't understand the comment here telling me to find a hobby or something else to busy myself with? I work full time, I have hobbies, I am pretty busy. And it was exactly because both DH and I are busy that I got angry with DS' rather blasé / dismissive attitude to just letting us know what was going on. So we couldn't plan but it wasn't right for me to chase DS up either as I then don't have a life and am an overly demanding mother?? We were supposed to get our crystal balls out?

Some kids can be very selfish and only think of themselves. They're so used to their mum loving them and coping that they don't consider they actually have their own life.

I think you have to stand back a bit (I know how hard that is) and let him come to you. I wouldn't offer more help - I would let his dad do some bloody work for a change. (And being a student is expensive - let his dad deal with that.) I would send a message every week saying, "Hope you're having a good time. Let me know when it's a good time to come up and buy you lunch." And then I'd let him get on with it and enjoy his time at university.

He will come back to you - he's just absorbed in his own world at the moment - that might last a while but as long as you remain friendly and in touch with him, things will end up okay.

How many minutes (hours) away drive does your son live, and is he financially dependent on you at all?

It's not a gift/being kind if he doesn't want that from you just now, though is it? Could it be that he doesn't want to be delivered to university by you and have things bought from him? He sounds very self sufficient.

for

...for DH and I to travel up, we both had to change our work commitments, and we were away for a few days last week. DS knew this, and as I saw the days going by, I was very annoyed by the fact that I had to chase him up to let us know what was happening - with him going up to his dad's the week before, whether I needed to drop by his house share to pick up anything before we (and he) left, or take anything up with us tomorrow - just practical arrangements.

Why did you do this when you clearly understood that he didn't want you to do anything like that?
- he wasn't even going to include me in his move to the uni
- both DH and I have made arrangements to travel there (time off work etc) and take new things for him, but I've had to chase DS up on the plan

No crystal ball necessary.
Just the ability to take a hint, or simply listen to direct speech.

Why did you wash the bedding?
He is completely capable of washing his own new bedding, or not, if he wants to.
Did you not consider that he might not like it or might need to return it?

Why did you give him money to get you a present? This is bizarre. And to say that it is the principle of a birthday gift that matters - this is crazy. What would a birthday gift from him to you that you paid for really mean to you?
You want him to jump through hoops, to perform filial duty for you. Why????

Why is a grown woman sulking?

The whole business about the dinner date arrangement is just infantile on your part, like the sulking.
Sorry, but it is.

Some advice:
Get over your anger with DS's father. Get counseling.

Stop expecting DS to take your side against him. Explore your lack of boundaries in your counseling.

Stop expecting DS to show gratitude for things he did not ask of you. Again, the boundaries.

Your DS is engaging in passive aggressive behaviour with you as a means of defence against someone who has no boundaries.

Threads like these are so sad. OP if you don’t change your attitude and behaviour then you will probably end up seeing very little of your adult son in the future.