Anyone else feel constantly judged for being a young mum?

[Momma22]

So I just need to get this off my chest.

I am actually sick to death of people who hardly know me or my family looking down their nose at me for being a young mum. It's probably got a hell of a lot worse since we moved to a slightly more affluent area of town, where unmarried mothers under 30 are a rarity.

A bit about me, I'm 25, I have a 2 year old DD, and I definitely don't meet the stereotype there is of a young mum. For starters I am still with the Father of DD, still going strong after 6 years, planning our summer 2019 wedding, and expecting DC no 2 who was planned and very much wanted! We work 70 hours per week between us, and have never claimed benefits! We recently bought our own home which we have worked hard for years. We never go out and the only time we 'dump' DD on our parents is when we are working! And it is clear for anyone to see that DD is happy, healthy and very well looked after. I have never felt once that 'my life is over' now that I'm a mum, I can honestly say since DD has came along these have been the best years of my life, and I've done the whole wild nights out/girly holidays thing before I had DD and none of that compares to being a mummy. Plus I actually feel being a mum has made me book up my ideas a bit and make a success of my life for my daughters sake, I honestly don't think I could have achieved everything I've achieved in the last few years had I not had her.

So why do I constantly feel judged? Of course it doesn't help that although I'm 25 I could actually pass for being about 19. Even still it really grates on me that people have their own ideas about me before they've even got to know me. For example when I go to mother and toddler group with DD on my day off, nobody ever speaks to me! I don't know whether that's just because this particular group is very clicky, or whether it's because I'm quite obviously the youngest mum in the room. I'm pregnant with DC as I mentioned and I'm dreading my antenatal appointments already if they're anything like the last. I constantly felt like I was spoken down to and pitied, I'm hoping things might be different this time because it's my second DC. I'm dreading coming out and telling my colleagues I'm pregnant as they're already quite judgemental about the fact I had a child at 22 and they're going to think I'm completely stupid for having another. One girl at work quite rudely asked if my current partner was the father of DD, she'd obviously assumed as I'm young and unmarried there was a good chance he wasn't. Another girl I work with has asked if I regretted having DD so young and wished I'd have waited?! I mean wtf!? These are just a few of many rude comments I've had from the people I work with, and these are people my own age who you'd expect to be more openminded. A lot of them are young graduates, from fairly middle class backgrounds, and I'm guessing that people just don't have babies before they're 30 in the leafy suburbs where they grew up, so in their eyes I'm basically Vicky Pollard, or at least that's how it feels sometimes.

It just find it so frustrating! I'm 25 for gods sake! Not 13! Do people not actually realise having your first child at 22 was quite normal only a generation ago? Anyone else feel like this too?

Some groups are just cliquey though. I've been ignored at groups and I'm 36 with a 2 year old

Sorry if this is a bit ranty 🙈 Pregnancy hormones sending me off into a rage! Haha

25 isn’t a young mum at all it’s a pretty normal age for being a mum. I had my eldest at 20 and nobody has ever raised an eyebrow to be honest

I am older now but I was married and had my first child aged 19, I had 3 by the time I was 25 but I never felt judged because of my age. Maybe things are different now or maybe its the area that I live in but I never experienced this.

That said, the group of older mothers (all of them) at my sons old school were super cliquey and I was clearly not invited into their gang lol. A nice village, I was probably the youngest Home owner. Dicks tbh. Doesn’t matter though. You just do you

I don't know? I live in a little village in NI, and I think it's fair to say people in general are a little more conservative over here. Maybe I wouldn't get that if I lived in an inner city area in England

I had my DS aged 20! Now I'm nearly 30 and due my 4th! I am sure some people may judge from afar but to be honest I've had nothing but positive comments and we live in Surrey which is full of posh 30/40 year old mums with 2 children and big houses! We don't fit the norm but we've still been accepted into the group (probably mainly helped by the fact my DS's are much more
Chatty and popular than I am!!)

Honestly as a 20 year old Mum I was so worried of being judged but as I've got older I've realised I'm a good mum and I don't need to justify anything!

I agree with you @FranticallyPeaceful I also don't think it's that young either. But people seem to treat me as though I'm a teen mother rather than a fully grown responsible woman a lot of the time, and I can't help but think it's because I'm in my 20s living in an area where most mum's are well into their 30s and 40s. So I'm the odd one out and often feel looked down up on by childless women my own age and older mothers. I just don't get it?

Sometimes people are just shy and they don't talk to people and you think they are looking down on you, but they are just knackered or have resting bitch face.

I've found it takes about a year of saying hello to the same people to crack them.

Plus does it matter? I know people some people might judge me, but I'm a good person and I'm doing my best. So I and you don't need to justify yourself to anyone.

Ps you sound like you are an awesome mum ! Good luck with your Dc 2 and wedding

Yes I agree!
I’m not even that young started in my mid twenties pregnant with my second now late twenties.
But this seems young for my social circle.

I Constantly get judgemental remarks, and people presuming I’m not very switched on, don’t want to have a good job etc.
I do have a career however and they way I look at it, I will be able to pick up when dc are older. When I’m in my late 30s/40s I can focus on getting the exact job I want, and earning more.
I hopefully won’t be (as) shattered as some older parents are.
I see lots of people who are older having their first child. They are used to the wages they are on. They aren’t prepared to drop hours/position and seem to struggle trying to have it all. Whilst ending up very tired and with their children spending very large amounts of time in childcare.

I’m happy with he way I’ve done things. Whilst having dc later in life may work out perfectly for some, for others who perhaps struggle to conceive or would have liked a bigger family, or just generally struggle with being an older mum and pregnancy/the early years, they may regret their decision to prioritise other things in their twenties later on.

I wouldn’t be smug about my choices or anyone else’s. But it does seem to me that there are lots of assumptions made about younger mums not thinking things through, when in fact it may be exactly what they wanted and longer term it may work out better than someone who leaves childbearing until very late.

I fully appreciate your rant!!! I actually had my DS at 16 and don't fit the stereotype, but I feel like I'm constantly judged! I get very conscious about it sometimes. But I am still in a relationship with his dad, run my own home and I'm homestudying to get more qualifications and I have a very happy baby. As long as he's proud and content that's all that matters

Hiya! I'm 22 years old and am currently 32 weeks pregnant. I fell pregnant about 3 months before my 22nd birthday.

I feel the same!! My pregnancy wasn't planned (I think I missed a pill) and I dumped the babies father because although we'd been in a relationship for one and a half years he kept pressurising me to get an abortion and became controlling. I'm confident I'll find someone down the line and have a family with them.

But I've always known I've wanted around 5 kids and have wanted to start having them fairly young. (I was planning on waiting til I was around 26 but hey it didn't work out that way!) I truly believe that a child is God's blessing.

Anyway people are always judging me for being a young mum, I agree that a few generations ago it was common and actually encouraged to have a baby at this age, so I don't know why it's so bad? I look younger than I am, especially if I'm tired/ have a breakout/ am not wearing make up. My brother is 16 (he's 6 years my junior) and people think we're twins or that we're born within a year of each other. About 2 years ago we went to Clarks with my mum to get my brothers feet measured for school shoes because they kept growing (he currently wears size 12) and they thought I was there to get my feet measured which was embarrassing as my feet stopped growing about 10 years ago!

I think it's amplified because I'm a single mom now too. I was working but only as a temp so have had to make a benefits claim when I left work as I was unable to get statutory maternity pay from work. I'm not ashamed of that and only intend to use the benefits for a year, maybe a year and half maximum. I've been working for 4 years and have paid tax and NI but people see me as another young unemployed benefits mum who was reckless with sex and got herself pregnant. Which isn't the case, I was in a committed relationship but the relationship changed negatively when the pregnancy happened!

People honestly think I'm 16 and have nothing going for me, a man told me to go to college and do a vocational course and maybe an A Level - I already have 4 A Levels and a Bachelor's Degree!

People seem to think I'm not comfortable with the fact that I'm pregnant, that I'm ashamed or regret it, and they seem to think that it's unfortunate that I'm pregnant and that I should be pitied that I've fallen pregnant. Couldn't be further from the truth! I am so excited to be a mummy! And people think that I won't know how to manage when the baby comes because I'm 'so young'. I've been living independently for 4 years and have managed to take perfectly good care of myself, I can cook and clean and manage my finances etc. Also, I'm extremely well read and have done loads of research. I'm sure there will be some things about caring for a baby that will blindside me or that I won't have expected but I feel really well prepared and supported and it just annoys me so much that people don't think I'm good for anything!