Anxious of looking after my children alone

[Peggy21]

I’ve got a 4 yo and 14 month old. We’ve had a really stressful year since ds2 was born - husband very preoccupied with work as he was worried he would lose his job and also some local mums were very unkind to me which knocked me for six.
I muddled through looking after the kids and then found it gradually became harder and harder on interrupted sleep. I was starting to find it relentless and around the time ds1’s behaviour was really bad something in me seemed to snap and I felt like I couldn’t cope anymore. My parents have been very supportive with practical help but I have reached the point where when I am alone looking after my children I feel very panicky and anxious... overwhelmed by the responsibility. My dh has just had a promotion and is working hard so can’t help that much. When my dh or parents are around I feel fine and relaxed. It’s got to the point I’m having sleepless nights worried that I will be too anxious to look after them properly, even for a few hour periods. It’s a feeling of being trapped and alone with them completely dependent on me. It’s heartbreaking because I love them so much. I don’t have any family nearby to help and my local friends all have small kids so can’t really ask for help. It’s really irrational “what if I’m too anxious to make them dinner?” I’m seeing a councellor. But I was wondering if anyone had had anything similar and got through it? My dh has suggested moving nearer my parents which is quite a drastic move specially as my son is about to start school. I can’t see a way through this and it’s destroying me. Any advice or experiences welcome.

If you can muddle through until your DS starts school you might find it much easier having only one to look after during the day. Plan the time from your DS coming out of school until your DH gets home so you have a good structure in place which will give you more confidence. So maybe snack, homework/TV time, short activity time, tea, bath etc.

I understand. When my children were similar ages I just found it impossible because they both wanted 100% of me 100% of the time. It’s physically and emotionally exhausting and I felt like my life was wall to wall screaming and “MUMMY!”

I’m also a lifelong anxiety sufferer and understand the panic and feeling overwhelmed. But to be honest, it does sound like it’s dominating your life and affecting your ability to function so please, make an appointment with your GP - minus children. I took antidepressants for PND and anxiety after DC1 and they helped me so much. I didn’t believe that they would, but they did.

Thank you both for your replies. I actually go back to work this week part time and yet anxious of my 2 days off with the children! Yes it will be easier when DS1 at school and good plan to have a structure.
GP gave me Sertraline but terrified of the side effects. But really can’t go on like this.

Just try them. You don’t know whether you’ll experience the side effects, but even if you do, I bet they’re less awful than feeling the way you do right now. Look after yourself

Thanks. What ADs did you take for PND out of interest?

Having a plan is definitely a good idea. Does your anxiety increase when there is lots of uncertainty around what you're going to do?

I would suggest keeping a diary of ideas of things to do and see, try to arrange a coffee/play with someone on one of the days every week. Could your DH sit down with you and help you put together a plan? So that you don't feel overwhelmed? Could you talk to your parents, and make a plan that means that you gradually increase the time you're on your own with the children over time? Baby steps will probably be better than leaping straight into 2 full days on your own.

You mentioned sleep being an issue - have you had any help with this? Breathing exercises for relaxation, or download a mindfulness app like Headspace, which can help to calm you. Camomile tea? Or talk to your GP about some help to sleep?

What do you enjoy doing? Can you do something that you enjoy with the children?

I was wondering what is your biggest fear about what could happen? Do you know what it is that causes your feelings of anxiety?

I took Citalopram. Not sure that’s the best drug for anxiety specifically, but it did help me. With hindsight I came off it far too soon, but I made that common mistake of thinking “I’m ok now, I don’t need them”.

Good question - what is my biggest fear of what could happen? I guess I’d have a massive panic attack and be out of control and not be able to look after them (this has never happened) I think maybe it is the guilt/sadness/disappointment that I feel like this that fuels the anxiety...

Yes I feel like this too. I talked to the health visitor about it and she said about being kind to yourself and not having such high expectations or judging yourself for feeling like this. maybe that might help you as well. It is hard. i found getting out but keeping it simple helped a bit. and keeping simple food things in, easy to make etc. Hope that helps a little.

Thanks Orange Blossom. I guess looking after small children is anxiety inducing to an extent but mine’s become a bit out of proportion. Did your HV say it’s common to feel like this? Was it helpful talking it through?

Peggy, I wonder where your fear of having a panic attack comes from? It's never actually happened, but the fear of one may be strong enough to bring one on. So maybe you need to face that fear and kick it in the butt!

Can you write a list of all the things you do with your children? Really notice the things you do successfully every day - you feed then, clothe them, comfort them - and I bet loads more. Then perhaps add some photos to your list of you doing stuff with them, of you laughing together, or having a cuddle - anything that reminds you of what you DO do for and with them.

I have a strategy that might help. When you are having a panicky moment, firstly acknowledge it and name it. Notice where youvfeel it in your body. Then breathe in deeply, filling your tummy up like a balloon, hold your breath a few moments and then release slowly through your mouth. Do this 3 - 5 times. Then look at your list of things you do successfully & focus on it for 30 seconds at least. Then notice any differences in how you feel. Choose one of the things you already know you do successfully and go do it now!

When you breathe like that it will slow down your heart beat. It will also be hard to think of anything other than breathing - which will interrupt your panicky thoughts.

I would also start to notice when you manage an hour/mornjng/Afternoon without feeling panicked, and pat yourself on the back. You need to make your mind focus on what you can do, rather than what you fear you can't (which as you say has never actually happened).

And being kind to yourself is great advice! X

Yes my health visitor even said she felt the same and only has the one child! and she doesn't know how people have lots and take them all into town etc, she did understand. I'd maybe plan something simple those days off even if staying at home or play dough, trip to park. something simple is less stressful and easy to get home if needed.

I find it is getting better as they get older and a bit more independant, still get it though to some extent.

I sometimes used to find things run by others good for support like play groups you just turn up to, as well.

Thanks so much for all your messages. Brakeback v good advice - are you a cbt coach?!
Orange blossom interesting your hv said the same thing!

Hi Peggy, I am a coach, well spotted! NLP though, not CBT. Although there are similarities in approach. X

At least on your days off it'll be just the little one most of the time, once you get accustomed to that two might not feel so daunting. Prep dinner during nap or plan something easy.