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Parenting

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Any advice on explaining death to a toddler

12 replies

Rainatnight · 03/09/2018 15:17

It looks as though my dad is going to die shortly. My DD is only two. She adores him. They're very close and she gets that Grampa is sick.

Any advice on how to explain it to her when he dies? Has anyone had to do similar? She's v bright and verbal FWIW. Has had full sentences for ages, etc but obviously not grasping massive metaphysical concepts quite yet!

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Ivory200 · 03/09/2018 15:29

This is a lovely short book/story that does it well

Water Bugs and Dragonfiles: Explaining Death to Young Children (Looking Up) by Doris Stickney

fleshmarketclose · 03/09/2018 15:47

Another lovely book is "Badger's Parting Gifts"

moocowmrs · 03/09/2018 15:49

Mine where little when my DM mum died, I found the charity Winstons Wish really helpful they had lots of info. Big hugs for you all x

brilliotic · 03/09/2018 16:29

First of all, I am sorry for your doubtless painful situation and impending loss.

Most toddlers do not have a firm grasp on the 'facts of life' yet. They are constantly making up theories, based on their experiences and observations, and then rejecting them again when new observations don't match their theory.
So the basic trajectory through life - being born, growing 'up' i.e. going through the developmental stages to adulthood, then growing 'older' whilst not fundamentally changing, then growing 'old' i.e. body functions decreasing, then dying - is not yet understood. For example many children at some stage develop a theory that they used to be a grown up before they became a baby. Both my kids used to ask things like 'When I was a grown up and you were a baby, did I used to do X?' and similar.

And so death cannot easily be explained in these terms of a trajectory through life that we as grown-ups take for granted.
Similarly, toddlers struggle with the very abstract concept of 'absence' of something, so 'absence of life', 'ceasing to exist' won't be something most toddlers are developmentally capable of grasping.

Also, though we don't tend to like to think about it, our own concepts of death can be quite unclear and confused, and it is hard to explain to a little person something that we don't properly understand ourselves.

So I would advise you to first consider for yourself what death means to you. This may depend on your own attitudes e.g. to religion. Is death solely about the body, but the soul 'lives on'? Depending on that, you can then try to formulate an explanation that your child is able to grasp.

I would also advise to actually focus more on 'grief' than on 'death' itself. Your child does not need to have a definitive rational understanding of what death is. But they do need help in understanding, naming, and appropriately expressing their own feelings, and in understanding the grief their loved ones (e.g. you) will be feeling (and are feeling already, no doubt).

When DS was two, we talked a lot about how death is 'sad but not bad'. Acknowledging that whilst death is a natural, normal thing to happen, and needs to happen to make room for new life, and for the person dying it may be a relief from suffering; it can still make us very sad. The person who has died is no longer in our life and we miss them.

In terms of books, perhaps you'd like to look at 'The Paper Dolls' - it is a lovely book that includes the point that things and people we 'lose' don't cease to exist, but rather 'fly straight into our memory' and continue to 'be' there.
Also 'Goodbye Mog' especially if your child knows the Mog books already. Mog's 'ghost' lingers on for a little bit after dying, and observes the family being sad, and eventually getting a new kitten who does everything 'wrong' until Mog gently helps the kitten settle in, upon which Mog's soul is content and can 'go' and the family can move on and keep living and find some happiness again, whilst always remembering Mog.
And finally 'Badger's parting gifts' - this really focuses on the grieving process. Badger 'gifts' each of his friends a positive memory of himself to hang on to and share with each other and so the bereaved friends help each other in grieving.

Wishing you lots of strength for the coming times. Having children can really heighten all aspects of the death of a loved one, but can also be a source of comfort and something to hold on to and to help you keep on keeping on.

Taylor22 · 03/09/2018 17:06

At two we stuck with dead.
Dead means gone forever.
Not coming back.
We're all very sad. It's OK to be sad.

Repeated again and again and again. Because they do forget and they don't grasp the concept of not coming back.

ParkheadParadise · 03/09/2018 17:24

When my dd died, my niece's Dc's were 2&3. I don't know exactly what she told them but they asked everytime they came to my house if dd was back from heaven yet. They also asked to go heaven and visit her.
It's 3years now and sadly they don't remember her nowSad

Rach000 · 03/09/2018 18:25

So sorry about your dd parkhead. Flowers
My mum died 8 years ago before I had children. My 3 year old now knows my mum is dead as it was her birthday recently. So we took flowers and she was asking questions. Tried to explain she was in heaven and gone. But for a few days she was asking if she had come down to get the flowers and where does she live and sleep. So they don't really get not coming back easily. She seemed to like the idea of heaven and that helped I think.
Sorry about your dad as well. I might try one of those books eventually.

guiltynetter · 03/09/2018 18:33

@brilliotic what a great post. really informative and helpful Flowers

BarryTheKestrel · 03/09/2018 18:40

Dds great Nan has recently died and we've had a good chat about it. Dead means gone forever. Don't use words like lost or sleeping as they can cause anxieties. We also didn't emphasize that she'd been very sick, just that she was very old. Mainly because I have quite a few hospital stays and we don't want her to associate the hospital or being sick with dying just yet. At 3 she understands enough without having any anxieties about daily life because of it.

brilliotic · 03/09/2018 19:04

I think it is because the concept of 'not being', the 'absence' of something/someone is beyond small children, that 'gone' and 'never coming back' is a bit confusing. Gone where? Coming back from where? Those terms imply a change of location, rather than an end of existence. If you are explaining death in terms of 'gone away', then you should probably consider the 'where' of that (heaven, our memories, back into the circle of life, ...) and also try to explain the 'rules' e.g. nobody can return from heaven and no alive people can go there but our loved ones in heaven can watch over us ... if that sits right with you.
When my DSis died I was four, I often 'visited' her in heaven and imagined her being looked after by my DGF.

My DS was very concerned about being buried in a cemetery. Won't the person be upset to be stuck in the damp dark earth? (Of if there is cremation, questions could arise about being burned.)
So we had some talk also about the person/soul and the body not being the same thing.

Rainatnight · 03/09/2018 19:58

Thank you so much, everyone, some great advice here. And yes, great post brilliotic

Sorry to everyone who's has these sad losses. Flowers

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Rainatnight · 03/09/2018 19:59

Sorry, also meant to say, I don't believe in heaven and really wish I did, because it would be such a relief to be able to have that explanation.

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