Is this safe?

[IsabellaMoltisantixx]

Hi all

So 9 month dd is getting harder to put to sleep, she seems to fight it a lot. The only calm way usually is going for a drive just before 7ish so then she's asleep and can manage to her her in the cot

On weekends dp/So puts her to bed as not there over the week
But his way is basically holding her right against chest and rocking her even though she's screaming. And I mean SCREAMING like she's in pain. This method used to work when she was a bit younger as she seemed to like the "swaddling" and being near the chest, however now it just seems pointless? But SO won't budge everytime I try tell them, he basically is using the cry out method of just making her scream for ages until she falls to sleep
I hate it! Not happy at all and wondering if this is somehow dangerous? Sometimes he'll also put her in the cot and kind of hold her so she can't move. I just don't think it's right but he starts going angry and shouting at me if I try come up and intervene. The thing is though she's crying and becoming even more distraught so I think it's just a bad way to get them to sleep? She does eventually sleep probably through exhaustion but it makes me feel sick and I even end up crying as I hate hearing her scream for ages

Is this right? I don't know if this is classed as the cc method. I just hate it. Please can someone share some advice or tell me if it's wrong/dangerous

Thanks

No it's not right, and although I'm not a fan of crying it out this is not the same and it's much worse. He's restraining her until she passed out from exhaustion which isn't right at all!

I wouldn’t be comfortable with that because she end up associating bedtime with daddy as being a horrible time instead of a nice cosy loving time. Having said that I wouldn’t be taking her for a drive every night either. I would love at the lead up to bedtime and work out how I could make it go smoother.

*look at

Personally I would also hate that and would have to ask SO to stop doing it and find a compromise you are both happy with. I think it's horrible letting a baby cry/scream until they fall asleep through exhaustion. Imagine how you would like it. Definitely ask them to stop it and find another way

This makes me uncomfortable imagining it never mind witnessing it especially to my own child! You need to stress to him that at her age, being restrained like that seems to be inducing panic reflexes not comfort at all

You don't mention your bedtime routine much, but perhaps look at that and increase the length of time you get her spending "winding down". Warm bath with Johnson's baby night time oils in have helped two little ones I know, slowly and gently getting into PJs and read to her/have cuddles in her room in the dark whilst she feeds and calms. Don't take her back out into light after this, the longer she's calm and relaxed in the darkness should make her drowsy and sleepy. If she likes the car, lots of gentle rocking should mimic the motion she seems to find relaxing.

Best wishes

no, not ok, hes using force. he may not be being aggressive but its force all the same, hes using his strength to held her down, can you imagine ever doing that to an adult? at no time would it be acceptable, ok, maybe if someone is endangering others, but at no time would it be ok for him to say hold you down and force you not to move just because he said so. sorry if that sounds harsh but its the truth. you also express that this is leaving you in tears, and that he gets angry with you for not just going along with this. I know its so much more complicated than that and maybe at other times hes the sweetest most gentle person you know, but I would be having a serious conversation about this having to stop and if he wasn't going to stop then id be stepping away altogether. I know that may not be where you are, but this is your childs safety. I personally hate any method of sleep training, all babies learn to sleep eventually and it makes for a far more pleasant life to go with the flow. but as someone else above said this is far worse than cry it out, and it will be extremely damaging to his relationship with her. I think if hes a genuinely caring dad who is just a bit misguided then talking and showing him some info may help, god I hate health visitors but I think if you said this to them even they would back you up to say this is an incredibly unhealthy way to approach sleep, but they may well suggest sleep training, and your husband will probably then latch on to that so id leave that until last resort. try talking this through, when she is in bed. I hope you can sort it. if not, then be strong, do what you know is best for your child. attachmentparenting.co.uk/project/the-dangers-of-sleep-assumptions/

Fucking hell she is going to hate her df!!

have a look at the Dr Karp method. It should help.

Could you go and see your health visitor if you’re in UK to get some more advice? He is basically doing controlled crying.
I’m not sure the car thing is a great idea either tho to be honest as at some point you’ll have to stop doing that and the longer you do it the harder it will be as she won’t know how to fall asleep without being in the car.

If your lo likes movement using a sling might work well for both you and your partner to get them off to sleep and transfer into the cot.

You need to make sure you partner understands that babies change so quickly. The swaddle feeing they love in the first few weeks is no longer as lovely to a bigger baby that is now in control of their own movements. And swaddling ( or holding tightly to mimic a swaddle) is not recommended pass the new born stage.

It’s not surprising that she’s finding it hard to settle if your DH is using a completely different approach to you. My DD would only fall asleep while being rocked until about 6 months, now she screams bloody murder if I try it and prefers to be left alone in her cot after a quick cuddle. Maybe try explaining to DH that the same techniques don’t always work throughout babyhood and she is comforted by other things now. Suggest he takes her for a drive just the two of them then it alleviates the pressure of you watching him and he can feel like he’s had a win if it works

Allowing her to cry it out is fine but holding her in place isn't.