We have 2 boys 5&8, before kids I wanted 4, hubby open to discussion after 2 we said we would discuss a 3rd in a few yrs (4 is not happening now we know the expense and hard work involved!) hubby at first said he didn’t want another due to the practical reasons house size, childcare costs. We have had many a discussion about it over the last 2-3 years. He came round to deciding he would have another if I wanted it so much, we had a couple of close calls and he was the one that was happy and not worried!
I go from wanting one to not wanting one, ideally I would of had a 4 yr age gap but we got married last yr so put it off then and then I keep changing my mind, I guess trying to convince myself it’s not the best thing to do- because of the extra money (although we both have good but still it would be less disposable cash plus no one knows what’s around the corner) the house is a small 3 bed so we would need to extend or move (wouldn’t mind moving, I’d love a bigger house but again it’s more money and stress of moving and where to start with it all, selling our house etc where as if we did to stay here with 2 we can) our car is ok as I purposefully got a bigger one when we got a new one a few months ago- just incase. Then childcare while we work and me been on mat leave so a drop in income for a few months. (We’re also still paying off our wedding so that’s not ideal but will be sorted by next yr)
We have a good life with abroad holidays, kids do activities they want etc so there’s the age gap to consider too (although not necessarily a bad thing but I grew up with a 7yr age gap been the eldest and swore I’d never do the same but here I am considering it, it’s not all bad though as I’ve achieved things in my career that would of been harder otherwise and I’m aware of potential issues of a gap so wud hope to avoid them-putting Pressure on older kids to do stuff for the youngest mainly, not just fetching nappies etc the bigger stuff)
So i guess logically I know it seems crazy, with all the hard bits of having a baby toddler child aswell as the practical reasons, I think we don’t really know what we’re letting ourselves in for with the first 1-2 children if there’s a small gap, where as now I know what it’s like to have a school child (it gets busy!) and I’ve experienced been a mum for 8 years.
But despite all this I can’t seem to let it go, we used the ‘pull out method’ for a long time (turns out he’s very good at it! Lol) but thought on a few occasions we slipped up (we didn’t) but I had the feelings of facing been preg- with mixed emotions, happy, nervous, panicked, guilt (on the kids). We’ve decided to go for it only for me to change my mind come time to try to then question my decision later.
To deciding no and been settled for a few months, not thinking about it to something setting it off again. This month was going to be the last month to let it happen if it was going to, so as I’ve been conflicted and after a party with e ermine discussion baby’s and their pregnancy’s and hubbys mum who would love another grand Baby! We dedcied to give it 1 shot unprotected and what will be will be. So we did and I went through a lot of emotions from been happy, excited at the start to feeling sad when I felt I wasn’t to then feeling panicked as it got closer to period been due and finally revived when it showed!
I vowed to be done after yet another emotional rollercoaster, I even through all my ovulation and pregnancy tests away- something I’d never of done before. So I felt at peace, decision was made i turkey thought, no going through that again, close call etc.
Except now it’s ov time again (it’s hard to forget about it as I have strong signs- ov pains, cm etc even without using ov sticks I know when it’s time) so I’m now quesitoning it again, wondering whether to have another try, I feel sick with the indecision.
I’ve had a few other issues lately which is not like me and I do wonder if it’s this indecision that’s making me like this- I’ve been feeling extream,y anxious, I worry a lot more now than I’ve ever done, I know it’s unreasonable- things like worrying about the kids getting ill, reading a story about a child been very ill (just as they pop up on fb etc) that sets me off worrying if it will happen to mine, I, paranoid checking their food is properly cooked, worrying about fires at night turning plugs off. It’s horrible to feel so worried. Then when they get a cold or have a vomiting bug I panic, physically tremble and have dihorreah worrying but once it’s past I deal with it fine and don’t show it to the kids. I’ve never been like this and I don’t know why it’s started over the past 6-12 months. It started with the panic when there Ill then the other stuff has crept in over the more recent months.
I don’t know if the whole baby thing has made me like this- worrying about making the wrong decision, I’ve always been such a planner, know what I want, the first 2 were so easy as we new we wanted at least 2 but this is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I guess I’m really scared of going for it and struggling and it been all my fault for putting the family through it and I think that’s what’s holding me back. But I’m finding it very hard (feel actually going crazy-as above) to deal with it and I don’t know what to do.
I’m usually a very sensible person, I er on the side of caution a lot, don’t tend to take risks or gamble. These big life decisions are hard!
I guess the reasons I do want another are- getting To do It all one more time, having the (slightly) bigger family I’d always wanted as I have a tiny family of me my mum an brother. Having that big family feel with siblings and cousins and future cousins etc for my grandchildren, although I realise things don’t always work out happliy- which places another ? Over the whole thing.
I don’t think I worry too much about regretting it as I feel it’s easy to look back and say I should of done this or that but it’s whats going on at the time that influences them decisions & whether we feel we could cope etc, but I guess with hindsight those ‘issues’ against it may not be so important & I could come to realise that but unfortunately we don’t have hindsight or foresight? Before the event so to say!? We can’t be wise before the experience, I wish we could!
I don’t think there is any winning, if i dont go for it I may always question it, keep coming back to it until it’s finally too late or if I go for it I will be worried if I’ve done the right thing, if I’ve majorly disadvantaged the kids or put myself under too much stress.
Hubby is no help, he’s heard it for so long he doesn’t believe me when I say I’m done the decision is made, even when I threw the tests he didn’t believe me (quite rightly too it’s seems) he now just listens and says let’s go upstairs then when I’m feeling in a ‘let’s go for it’ mood lol I should add though that when I’m in a feeling done Frame of mind- when we were on holiday last month (which is what set me off thus time actually) he makes comments like if we’re having a good day with the kids he will jokingly say ‘shall we have another’ it is in jest an sort of taking the mick out of me been so indecisive but he knows how I feel and the little things can set me off. After that I said should we, then I said nah we won’t- fine for a day or 2 not mentioned then he sees a preg lady and pipes up ‘that will be you next yr’ I say what slim or something (can’t remeber what I said, didn’t see the preg lady at first) and he says no, pregnant. Then I remember what month it was (would like to be due may as both my kids were due may an none of them born then so be nice to actually get a may baby plus it’s the last month before my youngest turns 6! So feels like a last chance sort of thing) so here I am!
Sorry it’s so long, it just helps to get my thoughts and feelings down, if anyone got to the end can you make any sense of what I really want!?