I've always felt like a horrible mother to both of my DS's.
One is 10, and the other 1 1/2.
I just feel I need to get this out of me weather people think I am horrible or not.
I'll start with my oldest son.
It was a unplanned pregnancy at 19 years old.
The father well he was not thrilled to be having a child, cheated, left me during pregnancy, and was all around horrible to me. Not me mention my parents were also getting a divorce at the time. So I was a absolute emotional mess, had breakdowns often, and was just very disconnected with the pregnancy.
Then the father came back into the picture soon before I had him.
Even so so much damage had already been done to the relationship.
Once I had my first son I was emotionless and very disconnected with him. His father and I split up not long after I had him as well.
I had no want to really do anything with him, but of course I still willed myself to. Even now 10 years later were not as close as I'd like.
I have always felt horrible for not being close with my oldest son. I've been told the emotional pain I went through with the pregnancy and the father could be why I am this way. But it still hurts and just feels like a excuse to me.
I do much better then I use to with him now, but I still feel this distance between us. I just feel terrible like I've ruined him...
My youngest DS I adore so much, the father was excited and we were so happy.
The pregnancy was a good one and his father treated me so well and I was just so happy.
But not long after I had him things started changing.
I love my DS so much and felt a strong connection with him.
But his father started pulling away from me.
Between the father finding out he has diabetes, me having to have emergency gallbladder surgery, and a new very fussy and screaming baby things just unraveled so much.
I found myself getting so frustrated with the screaming I'd yell at my poor DS, or sit him down to rough, and a couple times I even shook his playpen in anger. Every time after I'd freak out cry and cradle him in my arms.
He just acted like nothing was wrong or would just keep crying.
But as he got a little older I have gotten a lot better at handling his crying and fits.
But then something happened...
I found out my fiance his father had cheated on me with a girl we work with.
To say the least I was devistated, and me and anyone else was so shocked. No one ever though him capable of doing this.
I was suicidal at first feeling like he did it because I was a horrible mother and that they were better off without me, though sometimes I still feel this way.
But after calming down and talking to him and a few friends and family members I decided I'd give him one chance to be with me again. He swore to me and many other all he did was kiss the girl once before I found out. That he regretted it and wanted to be with me and our little family.
So now were trying again... Its been hard for me I've lost so much trust in him and get paranoid a lot, but he's been here for me though it. I still don't know if I made the right choice in giving him another chance, but I'm trying.
After all this I felt a little distant with our DS, but still love his so very much. But I have found myself doing less, just wanting to lay around and watch tv. Like I have no energy to do anything, and my fiance has been there picking up my slack. But its been 3 month now since then. I'm scared I don't want to be a horrible mother and fiance....
I have been taking some steps to try and get help and feel better. I've started drinking water and only 2 sodas a day now. Trust me that's a lot compared to 6 a day or more. It has helped me feel a bit better.
I also am going to a therapist now, and have gone to 2 sessions so far, and am on anxiety meds. I want to do and feel better, I want to be a good mother and fiance!
But even now after a this time I just can't forgive myself for what I have done.
Some things I can't even bring myself to say on here. I just feel like a terrible person, like I don't deserve these amazing children.
I couldn't sleep tonight because I was thinking about it and just sitting in bed crying. Then I found this site and decided to try and get this out, that maybe that would help me even just the slightest.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.