Am I wrong? Son needing time with his friends away from stop brother

[LLTmom]

Hi all

I am a new poster although i have viewed many posts in the part via Google. I am looking for some advice if I may.

I have a nearly 10 yr old son and a nearly 8 year old step son. The two boys are very different from each other. My son lives with me and my OH of 5 years. Step son stays with us every Friday night and every other weekend Fri-Mon. We have both boys one weekend and a child free weekend the next.

Me and OH had a big argument last night over the boys having friends over to stay. They share a bedroom with bunk beds so any friends over would need to sleep on the small mattress on the floor. The argument started as i had invited one of their cousins over for the night as step son had a pre-arranged night with a friend plus he has slept at said cousins earlier in the week. My son is desparate to sleep over theirs so i thought, as step son away for the night, said cousin could stay and my son would have some time on his own with him. OH has taken great offence to this saying i'm doing it behind step sons back. I explained my reasoning and again hes taken offence. He thinks by me saying it is important for the boys to have time on their own with their friends is wrong and that they should share their friends. I tried to explain my thinking and said they always do and never have time on their own together but OH feels i'm trying to leave his son out. I explained he has a pre-arranged night away and that my son never gets to stay at friends so i thought it was nice for him.

It is my personal opinion that kids need their own time on their own with friends.

I would appreciate thoughts as i have been told by him i am wrong and he thinks i am purposely going behind his sons back and leaving him out. That really isn't the case and i'm so upset by it

I agree with you. Why shouldn't he have his "own" friends? Your dp should not be attempting to micro-manage this.

And your dss is out with his friend? Is your dp suggesting your ds should have gone along too?
No, thought not.

Of course they shouldn't share friends. They have been forced on each other as it is, they do need their own friends and hobbies.

As the argument went on and he questioned me more, i went on to say that i haven't invited any of my sons friends to sleep over before as there has been no opportunity before where stepson hasn't been there due to having them the same weekends. He again thinks i am wrong and accused me of depriving my son and they need to share their friends. I totally disagree and tried to end the argument saying its both our personal opinions so neither right nor wrong and that as a parent the best you can do for your child is what you think is the right thing.

Our childhoods were very different. I am the middle of three girls, he's a twin and one of 11 (6 full, 4 half, 1 step sister) so they had no choice when friends came over as they shared bedrooms. There are lots and lots of differences.

No way do siblings need to share friends - what an odd way of thinking. Your DS and step-son aren't twins or even the same age, so your DH's reasoning makes no sense and he sounds defensive and a bit of a twat tbh.

Excellent point OhDear, I would be pointing out to OH that DSS isn’t expected to share his alone time with his friend with DS so why is it different this way round? I hate this ‘competitive fairness’ thing , some parents seem obsessed with their DC ‘getting what they’re entitled to’ and don’t seem to get the concept that kids needs vary and you can still be fair without all DC getting exactly the same.

If both boys were full siblings and lived together fulltime, would DH still say they cannot have their own private time with friends on occasion?

I think, if MOSTLY the 2 boys are together and MOSTLY they have playdates/sleepovers together, then OCCASIONALLY when 1 is doing their own thing, the other can also do their own thing.

Also, it possibly should be pointed out to DH that when DSS is sleeping in his DM's house, he presumably is able to have other sleepovers with other friends. Does your DS get that as well? It sounds like he doesn't.

But OTOH, I am saying that on the basis of the 2 boys MOSTLY doing things together and that you both, as DPs, are facilitating them having similar relationships and opportunities (which it does sound like you are), and just recognizing that both boys also need some space for building independent relationships and friendships as well.

Booboopidoo he's always soooo defensive of his son and exactly as you've said so competitive with everything to the flipping point of my son wanting a fruit roller after his diner last night but was told hes being unfair as its the last one and hes not allowed anything if there isn't two of them. WTF!!

Yep, sounds familiar, SIL can’t see my eldest DN (her DSD) get anything without ensuring her 2 have had the same, it’s ridiculous. How would OH react to a calm conversation about why he thinks you’re incapable of considering both boys equally? I don’t see how any ‘blended family’ (hate that phrase but you know what I mean) can possibly work if the parents can’t trust each other to treat DC equally. He shouldn’t feel he has to ‘defend’ DSS against you or fight you for fair treatment of his son, why is he with you if he feels he has to? Providing you can honestly say you are even handed with the boys it’s your OH with the problem here.

And what treats is dsshaving at his sleepover that your son is missing out on?
Your dp is being ridiculous.

You have chosen to be with your OH. Your son had no such choice. He's had a step-sibling forced on him with no say in the matter.
If, for the most part, they get on well, then great. Your stupid OH is risking all that by insisting on parity in situations where it's not necessary or appropriate. He needs to back off.

OhDear it is the friends birthday so they have a full day today of things planned plus sleeping over tonight. Stepson had a meltdown last night as he now doesn't want to sleep over as he wants to see his cousin (who he see ALL the time and slept there Wednesday night).

OH really does not get on with his son's mum and like they are both competing to be the 'favourite' parent which i really really hate. My sons dad/my ex-husband is still one of my best friends which OH cannot understand.

I wonder if OH constant worries about his son missing out on things or what one has/the other must have stems back to his childhood always having to fight for his share. OH sister is my best friend. I've known the whole family for 26 years. I'm now 38. He's 33. I spent an awful lot of time as a teenager at their house and i think he forgets how much i have seen and know about their childhood. Dad bought the kids up on his own with nothing (i mean nothing!). True story: diner (chips) would be put in a large bowl on the table and the kids would all dive in as quick as they could to get some (think feeding time at the zoo, that's the image). I would miss out and not get diner as this behaviour was completely foreign to me and no-one would think to offer you any of theirs. He's still a lot like this now and incredibly selfish but my god i'd get shot for saying that.

It is mostly impossible to have an adult calm conversation with him about anything to do with the boys. It always ends up as an argument and inevitably i'm the one in the wrong. He cannot seem to understand or accept that different people have different opinions and that doesn't necessarily mean either of us are wrong.

Well, he's wrong on this!

I'm not clear whose cousin it is.

OhDear technically it is stepsons cousin (OH twin sister's son) but as we've been together 5 years since the boys were 5 and 3, we classed both boys cousins and joint cousins.

If I’d been forced to share friends with my sister growing up, I’d have killed her.
They are individual kids with individual needs.