AIBU to be honest with kids when they're a bit dull?

[InASaltySea]

To start with, the title is obviously a short summary and not indicative of the language I use!

I have DS1 (7) and DS2 (4). Both reasonably well behaved and reasonably smart. The 4yo is a bit young for what I'm thinking about so this mainly pertains to the elder.

Like many kids, they're in love with various TV shows and characters. I'm quite restrictive about screen time and half the things they play act (Marvel, etc) they've never even seen but have picked stuff up from school mates. Now, I have no issues with them playing at being characters as much as they want: all good healthy fun. But there will be times - when we're walking somewhere, say, or at the dinner table, or when we're meeting friends - when conversation will revolve entirely around detailed descriptions of entire episodes of crap telly I've never seen, or long lists of various superheroes' powers, etc. I want to strike a balance between being a listening ear and joining in with their chatter but, with the older one in particular, is he old enough to hear from me, gently, that those TV shows aren't my cup of tea so I'm not really interested in hearing all abut that; why doesn't he tell me about XX instead?

It feels a bit mean, when I've thought about it, and I know as parents we all master the "Uh-huh... yeah... really?!" thing whilst compiling mental shopping lists. But I do think learning how to be part of a give-and-take conversation and picking up on social cues is a good life skill, and I don't want to do the pretend listening thing forever; it feels dishonest.

Thought I'd post as this is one of the few areas of parenthood I've stumbled across where I'm genuinely not sure what I think! Have others had similar conversations with their kids?

@InASaltySea I have kid relations who, over dinner, will go in to all of the deep depths of their video games and the plot and how you can beat the boss and the cheat moves and best levels to play and how many points you get for this and that etc etc etc. He would never stop talking if you let him and he's usually going on at me and others who don't play videogames and have absolutely no interest. I've never seen his Dad tell him "thats enough now" or try to direct the conversation elsewhere. He actually joins in and it goes on for longer!

As a child my Mum wouldn't have ever let me bore adults to death over something they clearly don't have an interest in and I would have been told to be quiet after probably a minute. I think that's probably why it gives me the rage because I think the Dad should be stepping in for us.

It's kind of an in-law situation too so I find it quite awkward to be the one to try and steer the conversation away, but recently I'm so sick of it I just look at the menu as soon as it starts and if asked a question say things like "ooh no I wouldn't know, I've never played video games".

I do find it rude and think that the parent's should be teaching the child that not everybody is interested in absolutely everything they have to say and maybe how to pick up on cues that you're going on a bit.

I know many adults that do this and one of my very good friends is the worst. If in a group with me and others, she will natter on about memories from school or other things that only I was there for that are really quite menial and not interesting to other people, and after 15 minutes of it you can feeling peoples feet itching and awkwardly talking between themselves but she just never realises.

You have just reminded me of a conversation my godson had with his gran, at a dinner table once ( big special meal) she told him she was somewhat tired of his endless chat ( I think it was Pokémon having had a year of dinosaurs that replaced trains) he rolled his eyes and said he was tired of the ENDLESS chat ( dramatic eye roll) about her friend H who had ...and then repeated verbatim some very secret and rather shocking information to the packed table ...

I think you know your answer yes its boring move it on to something else , e.g. if you had a super power what would it be? where everyone gets a turn, no need to tell him your not interested, but more than fair to point out as you and his brother don't know that much about x you cant really join in.
That said my 11 year old DS has decided to enable me join in, I should be educated by him about his game, and wonders how I am unable to retain any of the pertinent information, he thinks its because I drink too much coffee.

YANBU. Who on earth doesn't tell their kids to shush once in a while?

My DS will bang on endlessly about the same thing I just say that he can tell me 3 more things about it then I'll need a little break.

My oldest has HFASD so I've been very blunt over the years, and often say "No, Ds, we're talking about X now and I am not listening to Robocraft subjects again today. Tell me again tomorrow"

My ten and eight year old do this to each other, luckily, so I am not expected to join in. I think when your four year old is a bit older you will be able to bow out gracefully as they witter on to each other like demented budgies, as the Why Mummy Drinks author puts it, about grass type Pokemon and legendaries and whatever else they are obsessed with.

I actually find if you do try to join in properly rather than just uh huh, oh really? that shuts them up. If you say oh I wouldn’t know because I don’t play video games they take that as an opening to educate and inform you but if you say ah in my day it was all Pac-Man and Space Invaders, let me tell you about the time I got a high score in Pac-Man once, well, it all started when my Pac-Man ate a cherry, and then the ghosts turned blue, and then....they tend to not want to take that conversation further.

If wanting to help DC to learn turn taking and other skills for conversation, it’s useful to challenge or move on DC if they’re hogging the “airtime” or talking at length about things likely to be of little interest to others.

I know plenty of adults - my DF included - who talk at length about stuff of little interest to others. Poor convo skills at best and rude at worst!

Also think parents listening too much to dull stuff gives DC unrealistic expectations! Friends and other adults are unlikely to indulge it.

I don't think you should ever shush your kids or say that you're not interested into what they had to say - because when they DO have something important to tell you, they might not, because you've told them you're not interested.

Suck it up. I have to listen to DD bang on and on and on about LOL dolls and which one's my favourite and I just listen and react and reply, because I'm teaching her how to be social and how to have a proper conversation.

I think it's fine to direct them onto a better topic. Simply shutting them down is mean and dismissive, but saying "I'm not really interested in Pokemon - can we talk about Harry Potter instead?" or whatever works IME.

I agree with all the stuff about give and take - it’s been clear over the years that adult conversations can bore DD senseless os it’s only right she’s had a chance to bore us. I do draw the line at interrupting with something boring though - interrupt OR be boring, that’s manageable.

However - you can use their obsessions to your advantage. Do something the kids don’t like, but let them witter on about their chosen specialist subject. I remember in particular a nice family walk that was on,y nice because we have DD free rein to talk about her Sims all the way round, which meant she didn’t whinge about the walking.

Although to be fair, I might INTERNALLY give her a time limit, and invent a reason to leave the room / change the subject / run for the hills at any given moment

I think part of being a grown up, and acting in a mature and civilised way, is being able to bite your tongue and respond to other people's conversations, no matter how boring they might be. My DM will repeat everything she's already told me in a previous phone conversation, and no amount of gentle "Yes Mum, you have told me that," will deter her.

If someone's conversation is boring, then you just have to deal with it. Maybe gently steer it away if possible. But you can't go around telling people that their conversation subjects are boring. Otherwise no one would talk to each other ever again for fear of being thought boring.

Tinkerbell, frankly you're wrong. It depends on the age of the child. It depends on the innate social skill and development of the child.

Your little girl might be utterly charming to rattle on about LOL dolls, but my hulking 15 year old needs to be properly trained to SHUT UP and not corner the sweet waitress who is only 6 months older than him and rattle on for 20 minutes about YuGiOh because he doesn't know when to shut up and she can't tell him to fuck off.

Neither of them need to be in that situation. SO he practices on me, and I tell him when someone is showing signs that they are bored, that waitresses HAVE to listen and it's mean to use them as mobile dairies, that shop assistants are busy, that people who wear bras or cardigans do not care about YugiOh or Robocraft.

I don’t see the need to print out you feel it’s boring. That’s not how conversations work. You listen to what they say to you and when it’s your turn to talk you say your bit. You your son may talk about superheroes and then you may say “I see superheroes are your favourite thing st the moment. I really love baking, and talk about baking (or astrophysics, or history, or love island)” and he doesn’t need to tell you he finds that boring, Although he may.

I don’t know, my 16 year old will still talk my ear off about whatever series he’s into, but he also talks really openly to me about sex, drugs, relationships, and other things that maybe a lot of teens wouldn’t. We also have really interesting discussions on faith, politics, gender issues, current affairs. So I kind of agree that if you want them to talk to you about the big things when they’re big, listen to the little things when they’re little, because to them they’re all big things.
Although I don’t think it does any harm to remind them that in a conversation (eg at the table) everyone gets a turn to speak. That’s just good manners.

Maybe have a timer and he can talk about that for so many minutes before the subject has to change. You want your younger child to be included in chats so he has to understand that sometimes it's their turn too and yours and other peoples.

We aren't raising children, we are raising adults. I have four now adult children and all of them are chatty and none of them ever grunted because conversation has always been lively and interesting and fun.

Tinkerbell, frankly you're wrong - How very dare you?!

I see what you're saying @colditz - my DD is 7, and DS is 5, so I have a way to go before training teenagers in conversation! And yes, subjecting a waitress to 20 minutes of monologue about Yu-Gi-Oh definitely needs some advisement!

I suppose it's different when YOU are talking with your child, and when your child is exposed to a different social situation, e.g. the waitress. I certainly tell DD not to talk off a random stranger's ear about LOL dolls or her favourite stuffed toy - but that's completely different to ME listening to her and engaging in a conversation.

I understand where you're coming from, and I definitely think children need to be taught to look for social cues that they might need to change the subject, but just be careful doing it. I'm sure you would be! But this conversation makes me feel a bit odd, because my parents often interrupted me to tell me they weren't interested in what I was saying. They had plenty of shared interests with my twin, and so talked to him a lot. Whenever I pointed out that I didn't share those interests or even understand what they were talking about, so maybe they could talk about something else for a while (after all, they told me to change the subject all the time) they said I should just learn about it if I wanted to talk to them. I just stopped talking to them instead.

I know this sounds extreme, and I'm sure you wouldn't treat your children like that, but it's really damaged my relationship with my parents and I'm not at all confident talking to anyone I don't know very well, because I worry that I'm boring.

You probably think I'm boring too after that big long rant 🙈 sorry I went on so long!

After listening for a while, I say ‘wow, you know so much more about it than me - tell me the top three things I should know about [whatever it is] and then I need to go and [do whatever]’

“if you want them to talk to you about the big things when they’re big, listen to the little things when they’re little, because to them they’re all big things.”

Have seen this quote before and only partly agree with it. Listening is good, but indulging chatty type DC for ages and ages isn’t.

Even quite small DC can benefit from learning conversation skills, including with their parents. There’s also a difference in DC talking about something to do with them, eg their day, and (in the case of my DC2) YouTube shite!

But I am an INTJ personality type in Myers Briggs so have limited tolerance in general 😀

It bestows ‘expert’ status on them, which is important to how they feel, you’re still listening and engaging, but not for mind-numbing amounts of time.

I think it's nice to listen, but agree that kids shouldn't be indulged when they're boring people! and should definitely learn that it's rude to talk about stuff other people don't know about / aren't interested in.
As a bilingual family I also remember being told off for speaking our second language in front of other family members who didn't speak it, and for talking endlessly about horses! The phrase "did you know...?" was always met with sighs and eye rolls.

I'm seeing things from the coldotz side of things, I must be frank. My two can witter on for hours, DS particularly, mainly about Yu-Gi-Oh, Minecraft, and computer games... so I do have to rein him in, tbh. He needs to learn that it's not okay to monologue.
Last night it was which were my favourite limbs?, then favourite joints within limbs?
I was actually literally falling asleep!

I made the mistake of changing the subject with my eldest dd (8) and we talked about history my favourite subject, unfortunately I've created a monster and now regularly get out talked on my own subject. My youngest dd just started nursery and they were a bit bemused when she informed them casually King Richard died in battle you know