Daughter has started lying

[Slumberlabd1]

My 14 yo DD has started lying. She used my make up last night and lied about it when I asked her in the morning. I confronted her at dinner time. I explained that there was no need to lie. I said that I did not mind her practising applying make up providing she put my make up back so it is where I expect to find it when I need it. She apologised but was more interested in writing a birthday card for her friend. So it came across as insincere.

Then I asked her later in the evening if she had snapchat. ( I had previously told her that this was forbidden) she lied and said no. I asked to see her phone and she thought that she could delete it quickly from her phone. I asked her numerous times, giving her an opportunity to confess. She was adamant and swore that she did not have snap chat. I felt her pulse and her heart was racing. And when i checked her phone it showed that snap chat was the last app used despite it being deleted from her phone. It was obvious that she lied again.

I was 14 once and lied a lot to my mum so I know the tricks. Should I be understanding and not be so hard on her knowing that this is part of growing up and learning how to make good choices or should I go full tilt and ground her so that she does not go to the party she has been looking forward to for weeks?

DH thinks that we should allow her to go as grounding her may lead to her resenting us and lying more.

I think that she should learn from her actions and live with the consequences.

She has quite a lot of freedom as she is the only child and I have never grounded her before.

What says you? Too embarrassed to ask mum or friends/siblings for advice as they all think butter would not melt.

Many thanks in advance

Lying convincingly is a vital human skill. We wouldn’t exist as a race without it (“of course your bum doesn’t look big in that”, “no, size doesn’t matter”, “oh, what a lovely vase, thank you”).

I don’t personally think punishing helps.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/thinking-about-kids/201703/why-do-teens-lie-part-1

You checked her pulse??! Seems a bit ott

All teens lie, but perhaps the punishment is out of proportion with the crime? I know this is why I lied to my mum so much as a teen.

Thanks for your input much appreciated

Maybe checking her pulse was a bit ott but it was a good indicator. DH seems to think she should still go so we will allow her

How did you ask her about the make up? She might have lied if it sounded like it was going to be a big issue that she had used it

Why are you banning snapchat? Do you have an actual reason that you can explain to her?

I used to lie to my mother because the reaction either way was ridiculously OTT (and made no sense to me), so might as well lie and try to avoid the over reaction
e.g. one time myself and my 3 siblings got kept off school and questioned individually by my mother about some small water mark that had appeared in the morning. To this day I have no idea what it was or how it got there, but I took the blame and then from then on hid a lot more from her.
I have been no contact with my mother for coming up 8 years now.

You're being way too strict
She's lying because she doesn't want to tell you the truth. Why not? Is she scared of your reaction? You have to find common ground so that she knows she can come to you when she has a serious problem.

I think checking her pulse was a bit weird and way over the top. The fact is nearly all teenagers lie to their parents about one thing or another. It's hard, but pick your battles. You don't want to push her away by being too strict.

Does she have any makeup of her own?

NB our heart rates rise as a result of stress in general. It is not a lie detector test (but it is really intrusive).

At what age will you allow your dd to choose her own phone apps?

Yes, she should go to the party....

You sound a bit controlling. I thought I was strict, but you sound OTT.

Have a think why she's lying.