I’m a mum of four, aged 8, 5, 19months and 7months. They are wonderful and I love them so much but I’ve lost any sense of what my point in life is.
A year ago I stopped working when expecting our surprise fourth. I took on someone to run my business which I had built over the past 10years. That person didn’t work out and left me high and dry the week my little girl was due. Not being in a position to do anything about it, I’ve had to just abandon my business and although I’ve kept in touch with a few clients. Essentially I feel everything I built has gone.
My children are hard work. As all children they bicker and argue (seemingly constantly), they are ungrateful and always asking for more. I feel nothing I do is good enough, particularly for my eldest. My husband works long hours, and has hobbies which keep his attention so there is little conversation in an evening, and I’m often with the children on my own 6 days a week.
Day and night I’m up and down responding to the next request for food, drink, milk, doing an endless list of tasks around the house seemingly cleaning the same area over and over as it never stays clean / tidy for more than an hour.
I can’t contribute to bills, as have no time without the children to work. If I work on a Sunday I feel drained from the guilt of being away from the family and worry about it for days beforehand.
I don’t know who I am or what I need to feel worth anything. I feel like hired help to my children, like I’m not a person myself and I’m sure my husband views me in that way. They show me love, but often are rude, and unhelpful. My eldest says a flat out no when I ask for help with something in the house, and nothing can pursuade her otherwise. My husband is short tempered and snappy, and I can’t seem to muster enough energy or enjoyment in anything to be able to brush it off or turn things around.
Sorry to moan. I just needed to talk to someone.