How do I talk to my sister in law about my niece?

[TruffleServices]

They usually live on the other side of the world - they're here for a visit. My brother and sister-in law have one DD and one DS.

I really get on with my sister in law and I'm actually closer to her than to my brother. However, I feel that enough people stick their noses in and tell parents in general what they should and shouldn't be doing when it's the parents' choice. However, I did study a lot of child development in my psychology degree and attachment theory (albeit in adults) was crucial to my final year research project.

I think my niece has an avoidant attachment to my sister-in law. My sister-in law visited her parents with her DS for a week. My niece didn't ask after her mummy once in that week of separation. Not to me, not to my brother and not to my mother. This struck me and my mum as quite odd. I have noticed quite a few things my sister in law does 'in order to promote independence' I don't think they have promoted independence I think they have just taught my niece to internalise her feelings/ not outwardly show pain to her mum as she knows her mum won't console her.

Additionally, my sister in law sees a naughty little girl who is very rough with other children. I see a little girl who is acts out in order to get attention and who is unresponsive to other's emotional needs (I know a large degree of this is also her age but my sister has a DD the same age and they are so different in this regard) because her own are ignored. She was actually really well behaved for me for the week my sister in law left and started acting up on her return (but then was well behaved again when she was left soley in my care)

I am also worried about the constant use of the word naughty. Even though with avoidant attachment style there tends to be a positive view of self (and negative view of others) I feel that she might internalise that label. When I knocked something over by mistake my niece's first reaction was 'you're such a naughty girl auntie truffle' mimicking how her parents talk to her (not differentiating accidents and when they give her confusing instructions e.g one meal time she was playing with her food a bit and my brother came over and directly asked her 'Are you being naughty?' and when she started to answer he then chastised her for talking with food in her mouth)

I don't want to over step my mark and make it a big deal or appear to criticise my brother or my sister in law but equally I'd feel bad not to say anything when I'm sure it comes from lack of knowledge on the subject rather than lack of caring. I have thought of maybe giving her a book on attachment theory and just say this is something I find interesting. My nephew actually appears to be securely attached but she has regarded him as a 'good baby' and I think finds it easier to be responsive to him. I could also casually mention that the word 'naughty' is banned in the UK in most nurseries and schools and explain why.

What do you all think? Or is there another approach? Or should I just ignore my concerns?

I would also like to say with attachment theory,
I dont think you can decide its that from just what you have seen , as you have not said your a professional, but in terms of just creating good positive behaviours for your family see no wrong in that

Oh dear Lord you'll be ripped to pieces if you ever secure some actual work in Psychology.

Whether you're right or not, no one will thank you for your opinion. Just try to be the best auntie you can be.

So when u have a child do you automatically have an idea??

That’s not my point Chicken. Of course not all parents do an equally good job.

My point is that the OP indicated that she knows whereof she speaks because of her degree, her nannying and her volunteer work with children.

I was pointing out that theory, nannying and volunteering with other people’s children is nothing like having your own.

And a small snapshot of a relatively unknown child outside her normal environment and routine is not a valid basis for which to either to diagnose the child or the parenting.

Looking at a child/parent interaction and thinking, as a novice, “well I wouldn’t do it that way” is entirely different from telling your brother’s Wife that she’s doing it all wrong and you know better how she should parent her child because you read a book a few years ago.

When you did your degree did your lecturers not warn you not to start diagnosing things in all your friends and family? Because mine definitely did.
I also work as a nanny and have a psychology degree and i wouldn’t begin to think myself qualified to start diagnosing attachment disorders, despite working very closely with an educational psychologist in one of my roles.

It is weird for her not to ask about her Mum at all when separated for a week. That's the one thing that could be casually brought up perhaps without sounding critical. I don't think you should broach any of the other stuff.

It might not be the Mum either, kids can go through phases. One of my cousins five children went through a sociopath phase around age 9 (involved animals) then seemingly grew out of it almost overnight.

Also one doesn't need to be a parent in order to spot bad parenting. 🙄 I had horrible parents so I could easily spot bad parenting when I saw it long before I had a child of my own.

Child psychology 101:

It’s fine to say ‘don’t hit Timmy, that’s naughty’
Less fine to say ‘Don’t hit Timmy, you are a horrible naughty boy’

HTH

Having your own is similar to nannying etc its just the emotional side that is different and it doesnt stop when you go home as its constant, the general looking after a child is the same weather nanny or parent.
The only having a snap shot i agree .

If you broached it, you would open a can of worms. Best to keep out.

This won't end well. You are over analysing. If you think she needs support babysit more. Until you have kids of your own don't judge.

Your nieces behaviour sounds pretty normal and your reaction sounds pretty normal for someone whose done a psychology degree.

One of the firs things you find out doing a psychology degree is that you start seeing all the disorders in yourself or others as you study them.

I really don't think you should say anything, at least not based on the info in your OP

FACT children behave for other people and act up for their parents. If you were a nanny then I'm sure you witnessed that a couple of times. I'm a childminder and all my children act up for their parents and behave in ways they never would with me. I know a lot of childminders and they all say the same.

How old is the girl?

I don’t think not asking about her Mum is indicative of anything. My nephews never do when they stay, probably ds doesn’t when he stays there.

And when your brother asked if she was being naughty that wasn’t really a question was it? It was more of a warning like “think about what you are doing” therefore didn’t need an answer and taking with your mouthful is bad manners. Depending on her age she may or may not have understood it.
Also being rough with other kids depends on a million factors W you haven’t mentioned. How does she respond if they hit back or cry? Can she take turns?
It sounds more like you’ve been a bit keen, like when medical students start diagnosing everyone with rare medical conditions.

I don't have any psychology qualifications but I can't see anything so terrible there. I agree it's better not to describe everything as naughty but the rest seems OK to me.

My DC's have stayed a week or so with my parents every year since they were little. They didn't "miss" me they were happy, but well cared for and well occupied.

They have often been well behaved for others with behaviour deteriorating when I returned. My Dad (wise old man ) says that's because they're completely secure with me. With others they feel the need to be on their best behaviour but with me that pressure is off because they know I love them no matter what. Whatever the reason it is completely usual for children to behave more badly for their parents than for others.

It won't end well if you try and give her the benefit of your "expert" advice v her experience as a parent. Leave well alone.

It sounds like like reading too much into things. When my kids stay with their grandparents I wouldn't expect them to ask about me too much, as they love staying with their grandparents, regardless of us being close. Nothing sounds worth intervention here or like it's more than conjecture that there's some issue.

No matter how mature and balanced a parent no one takes kindly to being “diagnosed” by an armchair psychologist who is not a parent.

You have a great relationship with your SIL that could be destroyed by what will almost certainly be seen as a highly uninformed and judgmental attitude toward her parenting. Kids also change so much, at this age they are approaching puberty and can have times of ambivalence toward their mum. I can say that as I have three teenagers.

A lot of posters are heavily hinting at your complete lack of comment regarding your brother. Why are you putting this all down to your SIL? Does dad get completely off the hook and mum get the blame for your nieces so-called “attachment issues”?

Not your child, not your case, not your business. Keep out of it.

Nothing worse than a sanctimonious arse with a degree 'diagnosing' people/situations because they read about it in a book once (and I say that whilst working towards a degree in psychology too.)

The case studies you read about do not always tally exactly into real life situations - life would be much easier to navigate if that were the case.

Oh and the 'naughty' thing is ridiculous as well.

I think it's really valuable for a child to know and understand that their behaviour is not only naughty/unpleasant/undesirable but also that it makes them less attractive to be with/spend time with. It's the natural consequence of their behaviour. So, no, they are not inherently naughty (although I would argue that we all have an inherent tendency towards 'naughtiness' or 'rule breaking', even in small ways, because we are people, and we aren't perfect), and they are not forever condemned because of whatever they have done, but at that moment in time, they have been 'naughty' and that has either hurt someone/inconvenienced someone/damaged something, etc.

I think this angst over not wanting children to 'feel bad' is why we have a society that can't take responsibility for their actions. If we could get back to the concept that "yes, you did wrong, you need to make amends and then you'll be right again", we'd be so much better. Instead, we're so worried about fragile self-esteems, that parents are just skipping the whole discipline stage.

DD3 used to have friends who would hit her, and their parents would say "oh don't mind X, he just feels bad on the inside right now....." and I'd be thinking "????? Well DD3 doesn't feel too great right now, because your child has just lumped her for no good reason at all!" No discipline whatsoever, because they practiced 'gentle parenting'.

So, in short, I don't think there is anything wrong with using the word 'naughty' in the context of loving discipline. My 3 children haven't dissolved in despair at the revelation that their behaviour is naughty at times.

Having your own is similar to nannying etc its just the emotional side that is different

Just the emotional side? That’s a pretty huge difference, no?