In-laws complaining they "never" see us

[PirateWeasel]

DH's parents live about an hour and a half away from us. We visit once a month but they have never once come to see us in all our years of being together. For the last few years they've never driven more than a few miles from their house, so I get that perhaps the distance is daunting if they've lost their road confidence, but there are good trains and buses so it's not like they are without options. I wouldn't have a problem with them not visiting us if it wasn't for the fact that they constantly complain that they "never" see us. It's like they don't appreciate all the time and effort we put in to always get in the car and drive to them.

We're having a baby soon so we'll obviously be travelling a lot less than we do now, and I'm steeling myself for an onslaught of whinging that they haven't seen the baby yet, never get to see their only grandchild blah blah. Obviously we will visit them when we can once we're over the early newborn stage, but if they're already complaining that once a month isn't enough, they will only complain more when we cut back. I strongly feel that it isn't fair to expect us to do all the running around any more. My DH (who is an only child, btw) agrees with me, but he's easily guilt-tripped. Has anyone else had experience of this and can share any advice on how to deal with it?

Our situation is similar (same distance similar whinging etc) but PILs are fit, well and only in their 50s, perfectly able to drive about 4 hours to go on holiday, and we have two DC (both under 3), If you find the perfect answer I would love to hear it!

Things that have helped a little with us are:

• explaining the newborn car seat guidelines ie that newborn babies shouldn’t be in the car seat for more than 30 mins at a time, and that even for slightly older babies (our youngest is five months) care is needed so we are not comfortable with baby being in the car seat for more than an hour at a time, which means we have to stop part way. Therefore if they come to us it is 90 mins travel if we go to them it is well over 2 hours.
• inviting them over for specific events (“why don’t you come to the local fair/Show with us?”) and putting in regular lunch invitations or inviting them to stay over. We wanted to ensure that they felt “wanted” iyswim.
• pointing out that they see the best of the DC if they see the DC on their own turf (with own space, toys, baby kit etc)
• make it clear that we will, at the most, alternate visits, i.e. they come to us next time we come to them. If they don’t come to us, we will keep saying “it’s your turn”

It is By no means perfect, we still don’t see much of them unless we do the running but the above have made some improvements for us - they come to us perhaps 3 times a year now instead of not at all.

Get in first with the idea they will have to make an effort.

How about next time you see them "MIL, we're just planning out things when the baby comes, I'm not sure if I'll be kept in hospital for long, if I am then of course you're welcome to come to he hospital to see us, if not you can come to the house when we are home. Some people are so funny about visitors for the first few weeks, but as long as you understand I might not be able to move far off the sofa, you'll be very welcome."

If they say you coming to them "oh no, I won't be able to do the journey for the first few weeks, but you'd be welcome at ours."

Keep presenting it as given they will.come to you. Then when they say about you coming to them, keep saying how hard it will be to travel with a baby.

Start now.

OP i feel like i am in the same situation! My DM lives 2 hours away but she makes it seem like the other side of the world. She constantly guilt trips me about moving that far and doesn't like to drive to me as she also has no road confidence, although she could just get the train if she could be bothered! I am due a baby in the next week and she will come up for that, but i fully expect i'll be the one that'll be always driving to her again after that (in 2 years of being here she has made the effort twice to see me). Also when i mentioned to her that the baby shouldn't be in a car seat for more than 30 mins at a time for the first 4 weeks (NHS advice), she then said 'well i guess i won't be seeing the baby then' very passive aggressively. Erm....no, if it's not good for the baby then no you won't! I don't know what the answer is aside from to move closer to her which i am planning to do in the next year. It's opened my eyes to how self-centered and disappointing family can be in terms of support. Sorry to hear you've got the same issue, it is very frustrating.

My PILs were like this, compounded by them having 2 unruly dogs who jump all over visitors - including small children - and who they refused to discipline or keep away from the children. I just started inviting them to ours regularly and in the end they came to us lots more than we went to them (our visits are now only on Christmas, birthdays etc). I think in the end they figured out that it was actually much easier for all of us to keep the dogs away from the children, the children away from their ornaments, and for us to be able to put the children down for naps in their own beds. I was helped by them living close by though. Hope you get there.