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Parenting

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Child got hit

16 replies

Pansy0926 · 27/08/2018 21:43

My husband reacts instinctively when woken up, usually with a huge flinch or sitting bolt upright if disturbed when in a deep sleep. As a child his brother used to wake him up with a punch or attack him in some way, and if I was to shake him awake he has in the past made the motion to punch me, but usually makes a sort of whacking motion. He is a kind and gentle man and would not do this when awake, but unfortunately in his sleep he is not really in control of himself and because of this I usually make sure he doesn’t sleep near the kids as, aside from him flailing or whacking his arms around, he can be a bit shouty until fully awake, though he doesn’t usually remember it later.

He fell asleep watching tv one night and the next morning DS aged three bolted through from his room and jumped on the sofa, and kicked/landed with one foot on DH’s balls. DH jerked up and slapped DS across the face. Not that it makes any difference, but luckily it wasn’t a hard one and DS was more shocked than hurt, though he was quite upset. I have put up a baby gate so that he can’t just run in the living room anymore, in case DH ever sleeps there again. DH feels awful about it and worried and upset since.

I’m now terrified our children will be taken from us if DS tells anyone at nursery that his daddy slapped him. What would happen if DS told anyone at nursery? I can’t sleep at night I’m so worried.

OP posts:
SendYouUpInFlames · 27/08/2018 21:46

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SilverHairedCat · 27/08/2018 21:52

A 3yo won't remember it for long. It's hardly abuse. It was clearly not deliberate. SS won't be interested if they make any early enquiries.

However, your husband CAN control himself as he wakes up, he's not a child reacting to his brother any more. That's a bullshit excuse on his part.

Pansy0926 · 27/08/2018 21:52

He’s not abusing! Omg it’s not a conscious thing, he had no idea our child’s was even in the room!

It’s not just me changing things, he I said making sure not to sleep anywhere except our room again, it was an accident that he fell asleep on the sofa

If I ever, ever thought this was intentional I’d be out the door faster than I could blink.

OP posts:
Pansy0926 · 27/08/2018 21:54

DH has been working on this sleep problem for a while now, he has been trying to get a referral from his GP. Unfortunately he can’t control himself completely though he has been trying and we have seen some improvement in recent years. It was his brother who started this violent waking thing, but tbh DH had a traumatic childhood. I wasn’t going to say this here though as it might have looked like an excuse but there you go

OP posts:
sar302 · 27/08/2018 21:58

Nowhere in this post does it suggest her husband is abusive 🙄

Honestly, yes, if a child reports to their school that their dad whacked them in the face, it is likely that a safeguarding investigation will be opened. If the school believes that the child might be at imminent risk of further harm if they call you about it (which they may do with the information given), they may contact social services directly and not let you know.

This would be an exceptional circumstance relating specifically to risk of further imminent harm, otherwise generally schools so contact parents with concerns.

Social services would at that point likely investigate further.

Regarding your husband. Whilst I appreciate this is not actively abusive and (as you're reporting) basically an unconscious act, I would expect him to be taking better precautions to prevent harming either his children or you. This means not falling asleep on the couch or wherever his children might be. In addition he should continue to seek medical advice and perhaps counselling if this is routed to a childhood issue - ie physical abuse by a sibling.

SilverHairedCat · 27/08/2018 21:58

Ah ok, so is he having trauma therapy? Sleep therapy referrals are like hens teeth. Would he do better to go via charities?

Has he ever served in the military? I can help with some organisations to look to for support.

Alternatively, there are a surprising number of organisations out there who can get him help a lot quicker than the NHS.

Changedmynametoolikeyou · 27/08/2018 21:59

Pansy your husband is not an abuser! What. Stupid thing to say. I also lash out in my sleep. I am glad he is trying to get help and I would tell the Gp what happened as it may help the urgency of getting help. It will also mean you haven’t tried to hide what happened - you have told someone and you’re trying to get help. Good luck and ignore the posters who don’t understand that behaviour when asleep is not under control.

MajesticWhine · 27/08/2018 22:07

It is possible that SS would carry out an assessment but likely this would come to nothing. If there is regular violence / chastisement that's one thing but they would not be too worried if it was a one off incident that is completely out of character.

Pansy0926 · 27/08/2018 22:08

I will look into help from charities and a trauma therapy rather than sleep therapy referral. thank you

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 27/08/2018 22:09

His GP can easily refer him to a sleep medicine clinic for his parasomnia. I noticed you said your DH is trying to get a referral from his GP. Why hasn’t this happened?

I wouldn’t sweat the incident with DS at all. I just hope your DH can get that referral soon! Poor guy. It must create a very stressful undercurrent for your household. Flowers

SendYouUpInFlames · 27/08/2018 22:11

I took the abusing bit from him slapping a 3 year old around the face. Wether it was hard or soft it's bloody well wrong!! And having to put a baby gate up just so your husband doesn't lash out if woken accidently by his 3 year old child is damn right outrageous!!!

SendYouUpInFlames · 27/08/2018 22:13

And as for not knowing about having my sleep under control. Big Ha to you, believe me, I know.

sweetiepie1979 · 27/08/2018 22:19

Pansy do not torture yourself anymore. Let it go and the above advise for him not sleeping on sofa etc is good while he receives help.

SilverHairedCat · 27/08/2018 22:21

@Pansy0926 not knowing what the childhood was, I can't make specific recommendations for charities or support groups, but if you're talking sexual abuse, Mankind is a wonderful male-focused organisation. Others can be found here:
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/sexual-abuse/

If it's more to do with emotional abuse, neglect, fear, and even physical abuse, NAPAC is another great organisation: napac.org.uk/what-napac-does/

Golde · 27/08/2018 22:28

Please don't be worrying yourself sick. You're doing all you can to help with a stair gate etc.

I think I'd put a lock on the bedroom door when your DS gets a bit bigger but agree that your DH needs therapy.

Stargirl90 · 04/09/2018 20:51

Does your DH sleep talk too? Have night terrors? Sounds similar to my OH, he doesn't have control of his actions while asleep, our baby isn't born yet but it is a worry as he recently kicked the tv off its stand during a night terror

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