I'm in my mid 40's , Mum to 3 DC's 17, 15 and 18mths. Yes you read that correctly 18 mths. Two years ago I accidentally got pregnant, huge contraception fail to say the least. I found it a huge shock, my DH was over the moon as were the older kids and after the first scan I got my head around it. I had an easy pregnancy, easy birth and my LO is a very happy contented toddler.
10-12 years ago I started retraining to be able to move into my dream career, so I did two OU degrees. I was in the middle of my Masters at a brick university when I found out I was pg, but managed to complete it on time, my DH was out of work then so took over the baby while I wrote my dissertation .
I retrained slowly and steadily so I could manage the kids, enjoy their young lives , do the parties, soft play,school stuff and we did have a lot of fun, with the knowledge in mind that one day the kids would be more independent and then I could go for my PhD without feeling guilty about leaving them to fend for themselves and I would not be too old to have a chance of having a career in my new field.
Fast forward to now and here I am qualified up to the hilt, not getting any younger with a baby. I went for a PhD interview 6 mths ago, which was brilliant they offered it to me but logistically, mentally and physically I just cannot do it and I am devastated. I do not know anymore what I can do, childcare is beyond expensive here. I work so my LO is in nursery two days a week but we don't get any support for it, there are no "free" nursery hours given to us. I'm self employed but I hate this work it's not what I want to do anymore at all, which is why I retrained but I carry on because it pays well and with two teens and now a toddler eating us out of house and home + nursery fees we need it.
Everyone tells me hang in there wait until they go to school it will be easier you can do it then, what they don't realise is the schools are different here, lunch is not at school you pick them up for 1.5 hrs in the middle of the day, you can pay for them to stay at school but you must provide food and there is a limited number of places, you can also pay for after school care, some days are half days too. Many years ago when my other two where in primary, my in laws did the lunch run and I finished work early enough to get them, childcare costs would have exceeded my income for two kids in after and during school care.
My inlaws are older now, my FIL has the start of dementia and I do not want to ask anything of them, we help them now.
So by the time my LO gets to an age where I can think about going further again I will be in my late 50's and quite honestly this is scaring the life out of me. I don't think I'll have a chance of any career by then.
My DH is lovely, we have chatted about it and he doesn't know what to do at all, he understands what I mean but can't think of a solution. He works full time in a job that great for him, they support their employees get them through professional qualifications and are genuinely a good company to work for, I'm happy he has this after a run of absolutely awful employers , so I don't want to rock his boat at all, he's about to turn 50 so needs to keep up to date in his field to stay in employment.
I just don't know what to do, my life seems to be walking the dog 5 x a day plus LO , parks and sitting on the floor with Duplo and cbeebies. I did all this 15 yrs ago and I just don't want to do this anymore. I'm so upset and feel so guilty, I'm so tired I have little time for myself and as a result feel hopelessly lost with no future to look forward to.
I do not live in the UK, a different EU country close by-ish. I love this country btw, I don't want to move away it's my home.
Gosh I'm sorry this is an essay 