Not enjoying being a mum

[Mum2383]

I find this so hard to write but I’m really not enjoying being a Mum. My dd is four months old and is, or so everyone tells me, a very well behaved baby and easy to look after. She rarely cries and sleeps fairly well. I just find the daytimes so difficult, lonely and boring at times. I’ve no idea what I’m meant to do to fill the time and have started to dread spending time with her on my own. I feel such incredible guilt for all these feelings. I love her very much and her smile melts my heart but I just don’t feel like I’m good enough for her. Why am I not enjoying this like everyone else seems to be? I’m even considering going back to work earlier but worry that I’ll regret it. The thought of endless weeks with nothing to do is just too much! My husband helps a bit but I haven’t really told him how I feel as I think he’ll think bad of me. Am I the only one who isn’t enjoying this?!? Is it postnatal depression?? Any advice gratefully received.

I felt exactly the same OP. They get more interesting from around 10 months.

I was a much better mum when I worked part time. You're not alone.
Do you get out to playgroups etc, time to talk to adults? Babies are boring sometimes.

Yes it probably is a bit of pnd. Best to speak to the midwife or GP. I used to make it a rule to go out every day with Ds in his pram or pushchair - to the park, shops, anything so long as it got me out of the house. If you've got friends at home with DCs, get together - or find a Mother and Toddler club.

Sorry you are feeling this way. It is isolating having a baby. When I had my first 8 years ago it was winter and I barely left the house I was utterly miserable, but I enrolled in some baby classes, sing and sign, Jo jingles, baby college, baby swim classes etc and this gave my week some structure. I did a purposeful activity with her most days, and made a few friends in the process. I soon became busy. I also relished nap times, and used this time for myself. I hope things improve for you.

Do you manage to get out of the house each day? It doesn't have to be the world's most fascinating venue each time. Would it help to make a plan, e.g. Monday park, Tuesday library sing-along, Wednesday coffee shop, Thursday swimming, Friday baby massage?

I went out every day. Kept a bag packed by the door. Baby groups, baby swimming, going on the train to a different town just to buy a few pens and some sellotape. The park to look at ducks.

And make sure you have some baby free time also - every day would be good, once a week might be more likely , get to an exercise class or visit a friend without baby

It does get better and it is quite normal. Would your husband cope or does he just unrealistically believe in sterotypes expect you to be hard wired to love life with a small baby?

Def. worth mentioning to your health visitor. They will know the opportunities locally for starters

Fill your day with activities, playgroup etc. Most of them are more for the mums than the babies! Do you have the autumn timetable for your borough's Children's Centres? Is there a nursery rhyme session at your local library? Organise a meet up with the mums from your ante natal class, go to your local breastfeeding cafe and strike up a conversation with another mum, book a baby sensory/swimming class and see if there are any mums there that you click with. Thered also ab app called Mush where you can mewt other mums in your area. Everyone's in a similar position so it's perfectly acceptable to chat with someone for a bit, then invite them for a coffee sometime, or to take your little ones to a class or swimming some time. If you're too shy for that, just keep going to the same groups for a few weeks and you'll see the same faces - maybe then you'll feel able to exchange numbers. Good luck!

Thank you all for the advice. I’m quite shy so have avoided play groups but may just have to pluck up the courage. I do try to get out most days but it only fills a few hours and then I struggle when back at home. My husband tries but yes has some stereotypical views! He also fishes so is away some weekends which doesn’t help. I don’t get any time for just me to do things like exercise or have time out. I’ve just started a weekly plan but depresses me when it’s empty!

I remember having similar thoughts when my DD was that age, she’s now 15 months and I absolutely love spending time with her, (she’s much more interesting although much more high maintenance now she’s got her own ideas about things!) I’ll second what PPs have said about groups, we did messy play, sign and sensory, baby yoga, music classes, pretty much everything I could find. I think it’s important for your mental health to have at least one activity a day even if it’s just a trip to the park. It gives you a reason to get up and get dressed and have fun with your DD rather than be stuck inside bored and feeling like a crappy Mam. I’m not a social person either so found the classes daunting but they really aren’t so bad just filled with mums in a similar situation to you. I would google activities in your area, make a list of them then plan out your next week or two, knowing you have things to look forward to will help you feel positive and will break up the monotony. For example, in the last week we have been to two baby soft plays, two music classes, a baby cafe with friends and to the local park. Hope this helps. It really does get better.

I think the fishing needs to be put on a back burner until the baby is older.

Suggest your DH you will be having reciprocal time on your own. It's really hard when babies are tiny and weekends on your own too is hard work.

I used to go to baby groups and also took my DS2 recently a now really his friend told me she remembers the first day we met as I made her a coffee o had no idea they are a, life saver

he has free time but you don't? What on earth.....He is the father of the child after all!

And exercise time for you will help you feel better, recover from birth and set a good example about healthy lifestyle and healthy relationships

Babies are boring. You need to go about your day with a baby in tow, rather than trying to revolve your day around your baby. Honestly I’d take a boring baby over a crying baby any day!

Unfortunately this is the bit of being a mum no one talks about. It's all about planning for the birth and the newborn stage. Then, if you're anything like me, your friends who already have children will paint a glorified picture of how lovely it is.
In reality that is b*llox. It is the hardest, relentless yet mind numbing job there is.
My DS is 5 months and I love him dearly but there are days when I feel exactly the same as you. I had/have a good job but I feel like I'm just mum for the moment.
What has saved my sanity is having a great group of friends who I met during antenatal classes (sorry possibly not helpful now!) who all feel exactly the same and it's really helped being able to text them or just pop to someone's for a cuppa when things are getting too much. I've also met other mums a random events who feel like us and have become part of that support network.
As others have said baby groups or classes are a fantastic way to meet people who are all feeling the same way (even if they don't admit it at first). I also try and do something every day, even if it's just a mundane task of going to Sainsburys or just popping to the shop and having a walk. It's amazing who you meet out and about.
Also very important to have time for you, even if it's just an hour in the evening to watch something you want in TV really helps.
Oh and the best bit of advice I've been given, today is a new day! If yesterday was crap try not to dwell on it because today will be better - very cheesy but honestly has made me feel better after a rubbish day.
Hang in there, it will go so fast and before you know it they'll be teenagers.

Oh bless you, lots of people feel as you do but don't always admit it.
Presumably your daughter sleeps for some periods during the day, could you not do the same?

I took every opportunity to sleep when mine was a baby and was still able to sleep at night.

You don’t just have to do baby stuff! When my first was very little I used to do my own things and take baby with me - my DD was really difficult too but I would just plough on!

I used to do a city/town near me and have a proper look around as if I was a tourist! Managed to get round several during my maternity leave and it was great. Go for days out to attractions you are interested in as it won’t be long and you will be stuck with farm parks etc.

Hope this helps - I found it much better when I went back to work but do t feel you have to go to baby’s groups and that is all there is!

Take care

My LO is 8 months old and I only stay home with her 2 days a week at the moment and I still find in mind numbing.
I seem to spend most of the day following her as she explores things around the house...
We got a jolly jumper which we started using at about 4 months which she loves which entertains her for about an hour or so at a time so I would recommend that for starters.
Otherwise I would do what others recommend and try and get out of the house at least once a day to break it up a bit.

Ok your husband needs to start having one on one time with your baby so you can have free time, like he does with his fishing. It’s not ok that you have to do it all. Sod his stereotypical views, it’s the 21st century and men have no excuse to not be involved in their offsprings lives.

The baby stage can be shit and boring. You aren’t alone, it’s just not that many people like to admit it. Get out and about as much as you can to make time go quicker and put structure in your day.

I agree with a lot of what you’re saying. What I’ve realised it that I’m really not a baby person and I only started really, really enjoying it at around 10 months. To me the toddler years are much better as they’re walking, talking and you can interact with them. I personally never met anyone through baby groups, I tried but I found most of them really contrived and cringeworthy. You should give it a go and make your own mind up though. Fortunately I had friends also on maternity at the same time and that saved my sanity! And you need to carve out some time for yourself, it’s massively important. If your husband has regular weekends away then the least he can do is give you reciprocal time to exercise, go out without the baby etc.

For my first, I tried baby activities but neither her nor I enjoyed it. For my second, I did lots of box sets, learned stuff for work on the computer and took DC1 to dance and gym (she was at nursery 3 days a week). Babies are boring and I don’t cut it as a SAHM. No need to feel guilty really.

With older kids, and being with them only on weekends and school holidays are very different.

Babies, some people can't get enough of them others including myself often find them rather dull. Find a gym with a crèche for example.

It’s quite normal to feel like this at this stage.

No one really told me that babies are so portable at that age and it doesn’t stay that way. I miss being able to take the twins into a cafe and they’d just sit there happily... definitely not true any more!

Definitely go to some groups and see if your local children’s centre have any as I found I learnt a lot from those and made friends too.

There’s nothing wrong with just sitting on the sofa for a cuddle while you watch a film at this point - I wish I’d just sat and had cuddles with mine more.

Talk to your husband - him going off for weekends and you getting no break is not okay.