I feel like being a mum is a living hell.

[Sadmum2]

My DS is 19 months old now and I feel like I've finally reached full burnout. I just don't want to do it any more. I don't want to get up in the mornings.

He's been difficult right from the start. Terrible reflux every day up until 1 year old. He was sick constantly and cried inconsolably during that year. Not his fault at all, but the strain from it made me not enjoy much of our time together and I didn't really bond with him.

The vomiting stopped at 1 year but since then it's been ridiculous tantrums and meltdowns every day. He doesn't eat properly. At 19 months old all he will eat is around 3 baby jars of food a day. Won't drink from a beaker, only bottle. Has no words. Doesn't like to play with his toys, only throws and smashes everything.
I struggle to go out anywhere with him because of his behaviour. His tantrums are so constant and they wear me down.

I have no friends any more since having him. I have a horrible job that I go to 3 days a week which is the only break away I get as the rest of the time I'm with DS. I've tried going to baby groups but I can't really chat to the other mums because I'm too busy dealing with DS meltdowns.

He's at the start of being assessed by a specialist now. His hearings just been checked and is ok.

I feel terrible as none of this is his fault. But every day is just so difficult it's like being in a living hell. I've lost all sense of who i am, I have no hobbies or interests as by the end of the day I'm so exhausted I just tidy the house and go to bed. I have no family around to help besides my mum who looks after him while I work but even she is struggling now.

I don't know what I want from this post, mainly just to get what I'm feeling out.
I dont know what to do any more about any of it. I just feel like ive hit a dead end.

Thanks for reading.

I've just checked back, thanks for the further replies, it's very reassuring to read.
I've made a little plan of action, once the bank holiday is over I'll to to see GP to talk about PND and to see if there is some help I can get as I do feel very very low.
I have also spoken to the HVs again and they have arranged to come to my house to see DS.
I've looked into the signs and have been practising a few with DS, so far he just looks at me like I'm being crazy but it means we can share some laughs so that's a good thing.
DP has been doing bathtimes when he gets in from work the last few nights so it has been a big help to have a few minutes break.
DS is noticeably more difficult when DP and I are together though.
It has given me a bit of hope that things might improve with time.

All of this sounds very positive Sad and like you’re going in the right direction

Sad, much of your post sounds familiar, my first child was so hard between the ages of 8m and 2years. I couldn't go anywhere but staying in the house made him crazy and the day lasted forever so we used to go to the park, alone, day in day out. I used to cry A LOT and couldn't understand what my friends were talking about when they discussed the lovely days out they did. We sometimes met up but I always, always had to leave early because of DCs behaviour. He threw EVERYTHING he got his hands on and destroyed everything in his path. I was completely broken.

I have to say, when he started to talk properly he got a little better and now at 2.5 he is generally really good. At classes and in groups he is almost always the best behaved, he listens and follows instructions while the others run riot. I sometimes wonder if the year of having to discipline hard and parent full-on has meant his behaviour is now better than his peers? It's certainly reaping rewards. He is really lovely most of the time now. Hang in there.

Remembering a few things kept me sane:

He is beginning to explore boundaries and he pushes hard against them with you because he trusts you to enforce them and he wants to check you love him unconditionally. Even when you really, really don't feel like it, try to show him that you do

Exercise him every day like a puppy come rain or shine. Buy a puddle suit and wellies and let him go wild

Don't be afriad to let him watch a little TV or play with him on the iPad. My son chills out for ten minutes and it's lovely time together. He goes nuts if he's on it too long but in short bursts it's great. It also works when you HAVE to get something done. I am a mum who has a Kindle fire in the toddler backpack and games downloaded on her phone. I don't care about disapproving looks - I'm surviving here!

Keep up your partner doing bath time when possible. My DH does this and not only is it great for me, my DS and partner both really enjoy this time together and it has helped them bond immensely as it's their only time together.

The food will come eventually. DS does get to choose a treat from his box after dinner if he's made a good attempt at eating it and that helps. That's only started working in the last 6m or so since he could understand cause and effect a bit more clearly. Once your DS understands consequences it's a total game changer.

Good luck!

@Sadmum2 Having very similar problems with my son, how is your son now? X