I feel like being a mum is a living hell.

[Sadmum2]

My DS is 19 months old now and I feel like I've finally reached full burnout. I just don't want to do it any more. I don't want to get up in the mornings.

He's been difficult right from the start. Terrible reflux every day up until 1 year old. He was sick constantly and cried inconsolably during that year. Not his fault at all, but the strain from it made me not enjoy much of our time together and I didn't really bond with him.

The vomiting stopped at 1 year but since then it's been ridiculous tantrums and meltdowns every day. He doesn't eat properly. At 19 months old all he will eat is around 3 baby jars of food a day. Won't drink from a beaker, only bottle. Has no words. Doesn't like to play with his toys, only throws and smashes everything.
I struggle to go out anywhere with him because of his behaviour. His tantrums are so constant and they wear me down.

I have no friends any more since having him. I have a horrible job that I go to 3 days a week which is the only break away I get as the rest of the time I'm with DS. I've tried going to baby groups but I can't really chat to the other mums because I'm too busy dealing with DS meltdowns.

He's at the start of being assessed by a specialist now. His hearings just been checked and is ok.

I feel terrible as none of this is his fault. But every day is just so difficult it's like being in a living hell. I've lost all sense of who i am, I have no hobbies or interests as by the end of the day I'm so exhausted I just tidy the house and go to bed. I have no family around to help besides my mum who looks after him while I work but even she is struggling now.

I don't know what I want from this post, mainly just to get what I'm feeling out.
I dont know what to do any more about any of it. I just feel like ive hit a dead end.

Thanks for reading.

I'm sorry to hear that its difficult right now OP. I don't have any advice but I'm sure wiser, more experienced people then me will be along soon. Just wanted to offer a hand hold and dont be hard on yourself. Just like the reflux one this stage shall pass too.

It does sound as if you’ve both had a rough start. Reflux can be very challenging, I nearly lost it with sleep deprivation, so don’t think you’re the only one who has ever felt like this

Can I ask why he’s been assessed and what prompted it?

Well I say assessed, but he's being seen by a behavioural specialist as there are many other things he does that I felt were "not normal" for lack of a better phrase. Obviously he is still very young to pick up on anything that might be there but the woman we are seeing has said she can see why I have concerns.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Obviously I don't know what's going on with him but whatever happens, it won't be like this forever.
If he has some kind of special needs you can get this diagnosed, link up with others facing the same thing and get treatment and help.
It might be just reflux/a long phase and things will get easier.
It sounds like you're depressed, whether PND or just from having a tough time - would seeing the GP help? Things can kind of snowball when a baby is tough going, then the parent gets stressed and the baby picks up on it.
Are you a sole parent? Is there a way you can get out every now and again to do something for you, even if it's just having a haircut or a coffee?
I would say that you sound at the end of your tether and you recognise you need help. Go and look for help and don't stop looking until you find it - try GP, health visitor, social workers, charity helplines. It will get better.

So sorry to keep asking you questions OP when you are obviously so down but is this Behavioural Soecialist someone that the GP has put you in touch with?

Just wanted to say my oldest lad was exactly like this. It did gradually get easier and once he started talking properly got alot better. I had alot of help from my partner and still struggled. He is just turned 4 now and a gorgeous little boy. Some kids are not good at being babies. You can do this and it will get easier.

I think talking will help him massively too. Have you thought about doing a few signs with him OP? It might ease his frustration? There’s no need to go to a class, you can look up signs, either baby signing, makaton or BSL online or get a book from your library.

I’d start with signs like more, eat, sleep and milk. So each time you say one of those words to him you look at him and use the sign. Hopefully, once he starts getting used to it, he can start signing back at you.

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. It sounds like there is no let up for you and very little of the good bits that make parenthood bearable. I had very few good bits until about 6 months so have just an inkling of how you might be feeling.
Have you looked into counselling? Whether PND or just someone to talk to it might help you to gain back your sense of self. Maybe just some breathing space to let out your frustration and emotions. I found a charity for PND that had a creche and their rates were means tested. Is there anything like that where you are?
Could you seek out community groups even though you feel it's difficult. Maybe just 15 min at first to get dc used to it? Perhaps your health visitor knows of a good supportive group for mums and babies in similar situations?
I hope you find support and I hope it gets easier for you.

Poor both of you! It sounds like you really need to get some help and support for yourself OP-professional, emotional and practical.I would start by speaking to your health visitor/GP.Not sure if you have a partner, but you say you work a job you don't enjoy, so that doesn't sound like much of a break...you need some time to relax or socialise too! Are there people around you who could take your little boy so you could do that?

I am wondering if your little boy's behaviour is reflecting your headspace right now.....as much as we try and hide it little ones pick up on our moods and feelings so easily, and you say you dont feel a bond with him so if there is a disconnection between you he is likely feeling insecure and confused.

That is in no way an attack on you though, because parenting is bloody hard, and I'm sure you are trying your best.Perhaps you have been experiencing some post natal depression? That can affect being able to bond with baby.

You know your child, and maybe there is something more, but please don't rush into going down the medical condition route until you have got help for yourself and seen if this improves things for him too.It is likely to be lack of attachment and being in tune with each other causing much or this, and if you are feeling stressed or unhappy, it is likely unintentionally rubbing off on him too.

Also- I would contact your local health visitor or children's centre...they can offer play therapies to help you and your little boy build more of a bond

Hope that helps and good luck xx

My eldest was similar. He’s a delightful little boy but we had horrible reflux and have some challenging behaviours. He is on the autistic spectrum, which explains a lot.

You will get there OP

I agree with other posters that some of the behaviour could be because of frustration. Perhaps teaching him a few makaton signs so he can communicate would help. There are online resources that you can access free. Best of luck.

I really really feel for you. No advice but just to say you're doing a brilliant job under horrendous circumstances
(((big hugs)))

Frustration was definitely a thing with mine. He would get upset that he couldn’t communicate clearly, and would have meltdowns in response.

He started talking at nearly three and is only just starting to make sentences but his behaviour improved massively once he could speak.

Hi OP,

I’m not in the same situation but a good friend of mine is.

She’s a single parent to a 2.5 year old and he is very hard work in terms of his behaviour and can be quite violent at times. He also has minimal words so cannot communicate and I do wonder if this is where some of his frustrations come from. He is very challenging and she has hit the wall many times - even telling us she didn’t want him anymore. She has family around but they don’t help, probably because of his behaviours, and she shuts herself away a lot because she’s too embarrassed to bring him out when he’s having a bad day. All she ever wanted was a baby and she’s finding the reality very, very difficult.

Anyhow - you aren’t alone even though you may feel like it. Come on here and vent away and talk to people because sometimes a little reassurance and understanding, albeit on a screen, may give you a little boost when you need one

Lovely post Mummyinlive1987. You definitely need to look after yourself OP

I've just read everyone's replies, thank you for taking the time to read and for the kind responses.
Jilted the behavioural person was set up through the health vistors.

I will try the idea of teaching him some signs for things. Hopefully if some of it is frustration based then this might help.

I do have a partner but he is at work pretty much all of the time and seems to have checked out when he is home as he doesn't know how to handle DSs behaviour.

I am thinking about going to see my GP about possible PND as I am really not feeling in a good place at the moment. Although I try not to let it show around DS I'm sure everyone is right that he picks up on it which breaks my heart as it's not his fault. I'm just really struggling with the situation. I never imagined it could be this hard. And as it doesn't feel like it's gotten any easier yet I am starting to feel a bit hopeless, like it will go on like this forever.

Thank you to those who said they had similar experiences, it's nice to know I'm not alone. I feel sad when I see and hear other mums talking about all the things they can do with their DCs and I am I
unable to because of his problems with eating and drinking and the tantrums.
Thanks again for the responses.

OP yesterday DS reduced me to tears (once he was asleep) because what should have been a nice mum and son walk turned into a wrestling match and buggy wars.

You’re not alone.

Something that might help, I find, is to focus on the things that your child is good at. My son is intelligent, funny, individual, and so interesting. He makes me smile so much with his phrases (I know yours doesn’t talk yet, as I said mine didn’t until 3 so try not to worry). I hang on to that on the days where I feel defeated.

I will try the idea of teaching him some signs for things. Hopefully if some of it is frustration based then this might help. yes, dobthis and use them yourself a lot. It definitely eased the frustration in our house

I do have a partner but he is at work pretty much all of the time and seems to have checked out when he is home as he doesn't know how to handle DSs behaviour. I think you need a serious chat with your partner. Can he arrange work so he’s home more? He needs to start to look after DS a bit more so that you get a break? Could he start with doing the bath or taking him to the park when he’s home?

I am thinking about going to see my GP about possible PND. Please talk to your partner too, if you haven’t already. Please don’t feel guilty either, nobody asks to get PND it’s just an imbalance in the brain which can be fixed if you get the help and support you need. Lots of people find a CBT works very well. Things to try while you’re waiting are yoga and guided meditation but definitely speak to the GP too

Things get easier and easier as they get older. I also had a rough couple of years at the start and it put me off ever wanting another child. Now DD is 12 and she couldn't be more wonderful.

Things will be ok in the end, you just have to hang in there, take all good advice on board and look after yourself as well as possible.

Your whole OP sounds horribly familiar, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time.
First thing to say is, with my DS it all got a lot better around 2yo when he was properly walking and able to communicate better. He was fully verbal by 3yo, and each leap in communication and mobility improved his behaviour and meltdowns.
Next - I was finally dx with PND when he was 18mo, and in hindsight it had really kicked off as soon as he was born. Please do talk to your HV or doc about a PND assessment, I went on ADs and they helped hugely.
My DS has 'high functioning autism' and the most useful thing has been a full Occupational Therapy assessment (private), which showed he has big problems with proprioception - the sense of where your body is. If we'd known this when he was a baby it would have helped so much!
I also couldn't do playgroups, as DS would hurt other DC and I couldn't take my eyes off him for a second. I really recommend working hard to make friends that you can see 1-2-1 at home, it's so much better for everyone. Plus, you need friends. You really do. It's really hard having a high needs child, when all you want is normality.
DS is now 7 and an amazing little boy, who still drives me nuts!
I'm trying to learn to meditate.

Love the username V

Sadmum2 m-chat have got a screening test if you think ASD may be an issue. It’s here

Hello you are not alone. Re struggling to bond, have you looked up attachment issues? They can produce behaviour as you describe and did in my son except I didn't realise until we were assessed when he was 6. National association of therapeutic parenting is a good place to start and has lots of support for parents of children with all kinds of behavioural difficulties.

I feel the same as you now. This summer has been an absolute nightmare. I'm at the end of my tether.

Single mum to twins one of them with autism. She had bad reflux as when and lots of vomiting till age 2. I have absolutely no support and I'm honestly thinking of giving them up for a while . I suffer from endometriosis and now high blood pressure. I seriously am scared of having a stroke.

Op look into Hand in Hand Parenting, it’s a really different approach that is child - changing, life-changing, family-dynamic changing. X

I really feel for you and some of your post is very familiar... the one thing that I have to say is that you may or may not have PND situational or otherwise but I suspect you definitely have burnout... and your comments about your partner 'checking out' rather than giving you support underscore this.

My experience of a 'challenging' child is that you have to be pretty ruthless in taking care of yourself so that you can take care of them. I didn't and consequently became seriously ill.

It has become very clear to me with an enforced rest and break from my children that 1. I have to absolutely prioritise my health - and this means that I have to find sometimes very creative ways to take a break from my children 2. that that means that my partner has to step up and can't 'check out' as he doesn't know what to do etc.

It is incredibly hard but you need to sit down with your partner and explain what will happen if you continue to burnout. Can you take a break from your job but keep the childcare for a short period so you get three days of rest and time to think? Would this give you time to get a new job that you like? Can you find a childminder or childcare setting that would take your DS? Is there any other way you can access support?

Please, please take care of yourself.