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Parenting

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Original poster

Honest options wanted

18 replies

superchicken · 22/08/2018 18:11

How much do you think dad should 'mind' the baby. I am a stay at home mum with a 3 month old, my husband works 40/50 hours per week and has most weekends off,occasionally he stays overnight away for work but most of the time he is home after work all be it past baby bedtime. I am just wondering what people would think it a reasonable amount of time for him to be 'minding' the baby? At the moment I get maybe 1-2 hours per week without the baby in my arms at best and sometimes nothing at all, obviously I am very very grateful for our baby and my husband (he's very good with baby when he has him) but just wondered what people's thoughts are and how much time is reasonable to want to myself. Please no judgement, I just want friendly opinions

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FaFoutis · 22/08/2018 18:17

If he doesn't see the baby in the week I would expect him to be doing most of the baby stuff at the weekends.

sourpatchkid · 22/08/2018 18:19

Sorry it has to be whatever works for both, I don't think there is a set amount. And it depends if you're breastfeeding or not? Have you both talked about it?

SoyDora · 22/08/2018 18:20

In the early days DH didn’t see much of DD1 during the week, which meant at weekends he was desperate to spend time with her and give me a bit of a break at the same time. I was EBF so he didn’t take her far but he’d happily give my arms a rest so he could bond/have cuddles.
They’re 4 and 3 now and he still wants to spend as much time as possible with them when he’s not working.

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EssentialHummus · 22/08/2018 18:21

DD is older (11 months) but DH has her for 45m-1h in the mornings, and about half the weekend. Is she BFed?

gamerwidow · 22/08/2018 18:23

When I was on maternity leave DH looked after DD for an hour or so in the evening so that I could have a bath in peace and we split the nights. Weekends were probably about 50/50

Twolittlebears · 22/08/2018 18:25

I think the word you're looking for is 'parenting'. I would expect him to be parenting the majority of the time he's home with you and at least 1/2 day on the weekend to be free time for you with him solo parenting. You need clearly need time to take care of things your can't do with a baby in tow.

toomanychilder · 22/08/2018 18:27

We've always considered it this way: while he's at work I am also at work, as the main childcarer. When he isn't at work, its 50/50 down the line.
Always seemed fairest to me.

Pissedoffdotcom · 22/08/2018 18:32

Maternity leave here, so at home all the time. DP works alternate shift patterns of earlies then lates, minimum 40 hours but often more. If he is in the house he sees to the baby. It's not something we have discussed, he just misses his time with our son & jumps to him when he cries. The only exception is night times, because I do the wake ups.

Is this a case of your husband just not bothering, or do you automatically get up to see to the baby when needed?

Original poster

superchicken · 22/08/2018 19:42

Thank you, I appreciate everyone's input! It's not that he doesn't want to it's more I automatically get up and do everything and he needs asking, he's always happy to do anything I ask I was just looking for some other mums opinions to see what is reasonable. I can't help but feel a nuisance if I ask for him to take the baby, like you said it's never far as I am EBF too so I do nights and pump for the odd time I need to be away for an hour or so!

OP posts:

FaFoutis · 22/08/2018 20:07

It's not reasonable that he needs asking. Stop automatically doing things and leave it to him. Remember that this is long term.

Pissedoffdotcom · 22/08/2018 20:31

I agree,the fact you need to ask him is ridiculous. The only thing he cannot do is feed the baby...he can wind the baby, change the baby, cuddle the baby, settle the baby.
When you are both home does he do other things whilst you are seeing to the baby?

sourpatchkid · 22/08/2018 21:37

I've always done all nights because BF but when DS was little and not sleeping though DH would automatically do the 9pm-12 'shift' with DS so I could sleep.

Try not to do everything automatically, patterns now form patterns for a lifetime. Honestly he may not automatically know what needs doing but tell him and get yourself some rest! It'll be nice for him too

sourpatchkid · 22/08/2018 21:38

Oh DH also did the 3am winding - man I had forgotten about the 3am winding!

nordicwannabe · 26/08/2018 22:10

What you describe is pretty much what we did - and my heart-felt advice would be to change it now!

By the 8 month sleep regression, I was broken. And the resentment I built up had a long-term impact on our relationship.

Some dads find it hard to step up. The only way to get better at parenting is to do more of it.

Distancehelp · 26/08/2018 22:14

Talk about it. I’m assuming it’s your first child together - this is new for him too. Agree who will do what, so it’s not left to him being asked or you getting up automatically.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 26/08/2018 22:17

1-2 hours a week (at best) is hardly any contact with his child, he's hardly getting to know them at all. Just cuddling creates a bond so I would hand the baby to him at various times during the weekend and say you're going to take a shower, make some food, etc. and let him get on with it. He can always ask you for advice.

My two were constantly falling asleep on DH's shoulder and he'd just carry them around! We have some cute photos!

Voice0fReason · 26/08/2018 22:53

You have to talk to him about this. My DH used to do every Sunday morning so I got a bit of a lie in and a soak in a hot bath.
The rest of the time when he was home we shared parenting responsibilities.

Happyandshiney · 26/08/2018 23:02

You need to build good habits and strong bonds early on.

My DH works long hours and often travels for work but when our twins were babies, if he was home he did all the nappies, all the baths, dressed them, lots of playing and cuddling and took the pram our for walks.

Ten years on he’s incredibly close to them and still very hands on. He takes them off camping or away for weekend “adventures” alone if I can’t make it.

If something happened to me they’d still have a parent that would be completely competent to care for them. He can even do ponytails.

You need to let him do stuff himself and not jump in and potentially undermine him.

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