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Parenting

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Original poster

Victim Blaming - Social Care after domestic incident

17 replies

PassionFruitPop · 21/08/2018 16:11

Hello,
I don't have much non-biased support and need some advice please.

When my daughter was 4 months old (she's now almost 2 years old) - me and her father used to live together and after I discovered of his being unfaithful - He became really aggressive during an argument and he chucked a plate in my direction/threatened to use a knife. He took my phone off me and I started panicking so went to the neighbours to call the police. Had him removed and we broke up.

It went to court but literally nothing happened (the judges made it seem like I called the police as revenge for his cheating but it wasn't. I had a small breakdown in the bathroom toilets afterwards it was horrible being interrogated after having my heart broken and being scared enough to call the police). He was planning to move to his mum's abroad. He decided not too in the end and after a while I let him see our daughter.
Meeting in the town centre to do shopping or going to the park.

We were all fine until I started asking for child maintenance last month. I was told to contact child maintenance people and then somehow social services decided to get back in touch over a year after.
Saying I am not capable of supervising meets..? . It actually triggered some things in me and I thought it was all in the past.

Am confused? We haven't argued since (apart from child maintenance) or even been together?
Is he not supposed to have a relationship with my daughter at all?
I didn't selectively have a baby with a man like this! He was nice before! But my daughter shouldn't be punished for this!
The lady on the phone said that am not capable of protecting her? And that I went against their advice? What advice?

I've already been through a lot and it took a lot of strength to create an amicable relationship so my daughter and him could bond.
Now I don't know what they are doing!

I literally now feel I've messed up and should have gone far away at the time it happened. I was just so sad for my daughter not to have a dad.
Instead now am scared I will loose her completely.
How is that good for my daughter?
I feel they don't care about keeping families somewhat close but just want to do the easiest thing possible (by creating more dysfunction).

Apologies it's so long!
I am probably missing something completely at why they are doing this ...
thank you for you responses

OP posts:

Clairetree1 · 21/08/2018 16:13

You are not going to lose her

Clairetree1 · 21/08/2018 16:14

just ask social services what they want you to do.

Finfintytint · 21/08/2018 16:18

Is any contact he has supervised? Are they concerned that a violent man has contact with the child with no conditions attached?

DancingDot · 21/08/2018 16:24

Can you ask to meet with someone from social services face to face. And have someone you trust with you - social services talking to you about your children can cause extremely high levels of anxiety and we can't hear properly when we are anxious.

They may just feel that supervised contact with a third party is more appropriate - they may even feel that it would be better if they met in a contact centre. And all of this is likely to be because he was abusive and nothing about what you have done.

Original poster

PassionFruitPop · 21/08/2018 16:39

@dancingdot

Someone is coming to do an assessment this week.
Not sure what they are assessing me and seeing my child who is really loved.
Why isn't the father in question involved in this? As at the end of the day it's the fate of him and his daughter.

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 21/08/2018 16:41

The assessment will be about whether you see him as the danger he really is. No one will doubt how much you love your child but can you see the risks involved?

YeTalkShiteHen · 21/08/2018 16:57

Social Work will want to check your DD is safe, that’s their priority.

The best advice I can give you is listen to what they want you to do, and cooperate fully with them.

Original poster

PassionFruitPop · 21/08/2018 17:05

@YeTalkShiteHen

Thank you. Just hard to cooperate with people that make huge blanket statements. It was much easier dealing with my ex than the law/social services. Feels 10x more abusive if we were going to use that word for people who are supposed to help.

Feel bad for my daughter whatever they decide. The mistake I made was placing her fate with people who don't really care.

OP posts:

Original poster

PassionFruitPop · 21/08/2018 17:09

They use fear tactics over the phone. Saying things like,
"If you were ever to call the police again. Then we would take things much further to ensure your daughter's safety"

I can't guarantee anything! But I can imagine some people would never call the police again if it meant their child being taken away from their carer!!

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 21/08/2018 17:09

It is hard, I know it is, I had to deal with them about DSDs and it can really get you down, especially when you’re feeling scrutinised.

Honestly though, cooperation with them is in your best interests and your DDs.

Hopefully they’ll not be around too long, but try to understand it’s not personal (easier said than done sometimes I know) but they’re just looking out for your DD.

Original poster

PassionFruitPop · 21/08/2018 17:13

thank you @yetalkshitehen
for your words and understanding. You are right... will just take a breath and do what it takes. Not think too much about it.

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 21/08/2018 17:15

Big deep breath before you respond to anything is advisable too. That way you’re composed and have had time to gather your thoughts.

It’s hard because you feel scrutinised and maligned, but honestly, in your situation it sounds like they’re just trying to ensure your DDs welfare is top priority.

So I get it, PM me if you ever want to chat xx

SassitudeandSparkle · 21/08/2018 17:18

Is your former partner supposed to have contact with your daughter? Has he had your daughter on his own?

Bezm · 21/08/2018 17:28

Your daughter was present during a very violent act by her father. SS will have at some point made it clear that she was not to have unsupervised contact with him. You would have to be assessed to see if you were appropriate to provide that supervision.
The fact that you've taken her to see him is an indicator that you don't believe him to be a danger to yourself or your DD. You say you would never call SS again in case they take her away, that is exactly what they are there for. Time and again I have had to deal with children whose mother (usually) has restarted contact with an abusive ex, he's moved back in, they have fought again and police have been involved. Some of those children have ended up being taken away from their mothers. Because in effect, they chose their ex over the safety of their children.
You say you have only fallen out over maintenance. If he was the caring father you seem to think, why has he not paid you any so far?
You have to change your mindset about him. The assessment with SS is not about ticking boxes and telling them what yo think they want to hear. It's about acknowledging that they have a read concern about your ability to make appropriate choices with your daughter.
They will not remove her, unless she is in clear and immediate danger, but they will not just disappear because you want them to. You have to agree to work with them, and accept that what they tell you is correct.

WrongKindOfFace · 21/08/2018 17:33

I think they’ve failed to explain properly. What they mean is that if if you need to call the police they’ll take further steps to protect your child, not from you but from him.

You absolutely MUST call the police if you or your child are in danger.

And actually, it’s not fair on your to expect you to supervise meets. I do wonder if there has been another incident involving a new partner, for example, that has triggered social services getting back in touch? CMS wouldn’t have contacted them.

Could you ask them to put things in writing for you so you know what is happening?

WrongKindOfFace · 21/08/2018 17:35

Did SS say he could or couldn’t see her?

redexpat · 21/08/2018 18:48

I think it would be good to have a friend or relative come and be with you for the assessment. 2 heads are better than one.

Take notes of what is agreed, who has responsibility, how progress will be measured and an agreed timeframe. Get sws contact details. Ask what the name of the assessment is and what the possible outcomes are.

Dont be afraid to ask for clarification. It is really important that you understand.

From your op:
He was planning to move to his mum's abroad. He decided not too in the end and after a while I let him see our daughter. Why did you decide this?
Meeting in the town centre to do shopping or going to the park. Were you with them, supervising?

We were all fine until I started asking for child maintenance last month. I will read between the lines and say he was getting what he wanted so had no reason to kick off at you. I was told to contact child maintenance people and then somehow social services decided to get back in touch over a year after. Are you suggesting that he rang ss?

Saying I am not capable of supervising meets..? In the nicest possible way if he did decide to attack you or your dc you would be powerless to stop him and would be reliant on others to call for assistance. . It actually triggered some things in me and I thought it was all in the past. Have you had any professional help dealing with the dv? It sounds as if you would benefit from some counselling.

Am confused? We haven't argued since (apart from child maintenance) or even been together? But it sounds as if you have been shopping and to the park together. And who is say what will happen the next time you have a disagreement. Do you find yourself agreeing to stuff to avoid an argument?
Is he not supposed to have a relationship with my daughter at all? Only if its in the interests of your dd and quite often no father is better than a bad one.
I didn't selectively have a baby with a man like this! He was nice before! Just a guess but if you did the freedom program you might see that there were indeed warning signs. But my daughter shouldn't be punished for this! Quite. She should be protected from a violent man.
The lady on the phone said that am not capable of protecting her? See my point above. And that I went against their advice? What advice? Good question. Were ss involved before? What did they say then? Did you get anything in writing?

I've already been through a lot yes, but so has dd, and her needs trump yours and it took a lot of strength to create an amicable relationship so my daughter and him could bond. but why would you want them to bond? He was violent towards you, theres an increased chance he will be violent towards her.
Now I don't know what they are doing! Ask them. Write down your questions before they come to do the assessment because it is really easy to forget.

I literally now feel I've messed up and should have gone far away at the time it happened. I was just so sad for my daughter not to have a dad. Again no dad is better than a bad one.
Instead now am scared I will loose her completely. How is that good for my daughter? Well listen to the sw, engage with them, do everything that they ask and you wont lose her. If you dont, then its safer for her to be removed. If you cant keep her safe then ss will.
I feel they don't care about keeping families somewhat close but just want to do the easiest thing possible (by creating more dysfunction). By maintaining a relationship with a violent man you are teaching her that this is how men are, this is what a relationship looks like, this is all she is worth. Setting her up for depression, low self esteem and disfunctional relationships. You are the one creating more disfunction.

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