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Parenting

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Original poster

My nine year old is unhappy and I don’t know what to do :(

24 replies

Inaminuteplease · 20/08/2018 18:54

Hi, I had my daughter when I was 18 years old, for the first four years of her life we lived with my mum and dad. I was always there with her doing fun things and always provided for her financially. However naturally my mum and dad, her grandparents became a big part of her life and grew very attached to her.
We moved out to our own flat five years ago and my parents were very upset she was going, my daughter struggled at first but once we settled in our new area she seemed happy.
I got married two years ago to her stepdad and have had another baby. She gets on well with her step dad and loves her baby brother. Due to some financial problems we had to move back in with my parents for 6 months in 2016. During this time they were quite horrible to me and my husband and son. When the time came for us to move out, they tried to persuade me to leave my daughter with them but I said no. She is my daughter and I love her and miss her whenever she’s not with me. This caused my Mum and dad to become very upset with me, however we have since repaired our relationship.
I let my daughter stay with them a couple of weekends a month and for a couple of weeks in the summer holidays as I know how much they miss her and she misses them. However in the last few months she has been really upset whenever she comes back from staying with them. I know that they make a point of telling her how unhappy they will be when she leaves and they make it out like it’s a bad thing that she has to come home to her Mum. They spoil her rotten when she is with them, they allow her to be rude to them and don’t pull her up about it, she basically rules the roost at their house and can be as rude and lazy as she likes. So when she comes home to me where we have rules and encourage manners and helping around the house she is miserable and says she wants to live with her grandparents. I found a note she had written that was hidden under her pillow saying ‘ I hate my mum, no matter what she does I only want grandma and grandad’..... im absolutely heartbroken by this, I love her so much and want her to be happy at home with me and her brother and step dad. I have tried to ask my parents to encourage politeness and helping and not spoil her too much when she is at there house but their answer is always ‘we’re grandparents that’s what we’re meant to do’ .
I really don’t know what to do about the situation I’m heartbroken to think my daughter hates me. I always try my best to do fun things with her and have her friends over for sleepovers but she doesn’t seem to care about anything I try and do for her :(

OP posts:

CatPatrol · 20/08/2018 18:58

I think I would be stopping any unsupervised visits and access for a while. If your parents ask why, explain that they are not being consistent with your chosen way of parenting and that means she cannot be alone with them.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/08/2018 19:00

Yes, the problem is your parents here, sadly.

Original poster

Inaminuteplease · 20/08/2018 19:01

I am staring to think this is my only option, however I am worried stopping any unsupervised visits will just cause my daughter to become even unhappier at home and hate me even more and cause my parents to resent me.

OP posts:

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Jillyjollyjandy · 20/08/2018 19:05

Stop the visits unsupervised and explain to your daughter that how she is treated at their house isn’t normal or good for her. She’ll be upset but deep down kids of that age know these sort of things are right. It’ll pass if you’re consistent.

AppleKatie · 20/08/2018 19:06

I think you need to stop this NOW while she is 9 and not let it run on as you will have a teenager who moves out to live with them in a strop.

So no more staying there, I supervised visits. Clear, reliable, consistent boundaries at home.

Original poster

Inaminuteplease · 20/08/2018 19:16

@applekatie this is what I feel like I need to do I am just so worried this will make my daughter hate me more.

OP posts:

leccybill · 20/08/2018 19:26

At 9, I think she understands pretty well that there are no boundaries at her grandparents, so she can do as she pleases, and this confuses and unsettles her as she knows it isn't right but sort of enjoys it anyway, as kids do.

youarenotkiddingme · 20/08/2018 19:32

Someone once said to me when I thought someone hated me and I dreaded doing the right thing in case they hated me more

"Hate has one level - hate. But it's always good to do the right thing"

I then asked what if they continued to hate me. And they replied

"You'll still be better off"

Took me a while to realise they meant it's better to do the right thing than wrong - even if a persons feelings towards me don't change.

At any rate I doubt your DD hates you!
She may feel pushed out though? She has 3 adults attention and then moved with you. Then her brother came along.
She still spends many weekends and holidays at her GP whilst her brother is at home with Mum and Dad.

Perhaps her behaviour there is because she's unhappy there? She'd rather be home with her family? Her behaviour when she comes home could be anger at you sending her?

Don't mean that to sound harsh or judgemental as you sound like you've heaven and earth to try and do what's right for her.

Have you read about lovebombing? It's probably worth a go and try to get to the bottom of how she truely feels

emvy · 20/08/2018 19:50

OP, your DD does not hate you. Her behaviour on returning home is because of your parents behaviour towards her. They are manipulating her by spoiling her and telling her they’re sad when she’s not there. She’s a child and they are adults, they should know better. What they are doing is essentially emotional blackmail and it’s working - your daughter is feeling guilty for being at home with you, where she belongs. Their manipulation in terms of spoiling her means that of course she “wants to live them” - as you state, she gets her own way and doesn’t have to lift a finger. Much better than at home where she’s made to pull her weight... a completely expected response from a child when considering the circumstances. However, I promise this is not really what she wants. As others have stated, this kind of behaviour towards her might make her feel like she’s getting an easy ride for a while but it’s unsettling for her and she won’t be happy there for long! I agree with others, you need to have a serious word with them about their behaviour towards her or you stop her going. She’ll be miffed for a while and probably tell you she “hates” you some more but you know you did right by her and she will also see that in time.

Sorry for the mammoth message x

Original poster

Inaminuteplease · 20/08/2018 20:08

@youarenotkiddingme I get what you’re saying but the thing is I don’t ‘send’ her down there, my parents ask and she tells me she wants to go, I always tell her I would much rather she stays at home but she tells me it’s boring at home. My parents never ask to have my son but if it’s ever suggested that he goes to stay there with her for a weekend she gets in a strop because she feels like he will take their attention away from her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inaminuteplease · 20/08/2018 20:10

@emvy thank you for the nice words. I think a serious chat with my parents does need to be had, however just knowing how they are I doubt it will be constructive. I can see myself having to stop the visits, I just hope I’m time everyone can see it was the right thing to do x

OP posts:

Racecardriver · 20/08/2018 20:11

She already hates you. If you don't do anything about this she will continue hating you. You have to stop these visits.

AppleKatie · 20/08/2018 20:29

Stop the visits. Love bombing. Consistent values and boundaries.

When she says she hates you ‘That’s a shame, because I love you’ is a good response but try to keep it as matter of fact as possible. Don’t show her she’s emotionally unsettling you. Just be consistently loving and fair.

CatPatrol · 20/08/2018 20:40

She already hates you. If you don't do anything about this she will continue hating you. You have to stop these visits.

She doesn’t hate you. She is a child who is lashing out and unable to articulate or fully understand her feelings and what is going on.

I do agree you need to stop these visits though.

FrameyMcFrame · 20/08/2018 21:13

Oh goodness, don't stop her visits with her grandparents!!
That will only serve to make things much worse! She's going to idolise them even more!

Be aware that the new stepdad is not her dad but he is her brother's. This makes things hard in ways you might not immediately notice... I know this because my family is the same as yours but my daughter is now 18.

She doesn't hate you. She's just a child expressing her fears and emotions. I'd say the best thing to do is to support her within the family and that includes grandparents, who are very important relationships for her.

youarenotkiddingme · 20/08/2018 21:35

In that case it does sound like her behaviour comes from your parents manipulation then.
Maybe she feels she has to go because of what they say?

But I agree it's others that supervised visits are fine if that's what you decide

Original poster

Inaminuteplease · 20/08/2018 21:39

@FrameyMcFrame I do get what you’re saying and I am loathe to stop the visits because I don’t want to upset my daughter or my parents. However they’re behaviour towards her is becoming quite manipulative and is not affecting our home life and something has to change.
I am aware that my husband is not her dad but is her brothers, however he is in the process of adopting her and provides for her financially and shows her just as much love as he does our son so I really don’t think that is the problem here.
My mum and dad have a lot of issues in their own life/marriage and to be honest I am starting to feel as though they are trying to manipulate my daughter to want to live with them so that they don’t have to be alone together

OP posts:

Original poster

Inaminuteplease · 20/08/2018 21:41

@FrameyMcFrame I meant ‘now’ is affecting our home life not ‘not’

OP posts:

MrsMozart · 20/08/2018 21:45

Does she have a hobby or interest that could start to take up her weekends, thereby giving her something else to focus on?

GreenTulips · 20/08/2018 21:50

my parents ask and she tells me she wants to go

Do that ask you or her?

Start saying no, sorry we're busy.

She's confused and will as she heads towards her teens start kicking back and your parents will make this a whole lot worse because 'Nanny lets me ...,'

I think they do like having her as a distraction from their own marridge and she peobably does light up their house - however she should be used as a crutch to their problems.

You need to reset the boundaries, supervised visits only, or arrange a meal out or shopping trip, stop the overnight visits.

I think you know what the right thing to do is, you're just scared of everyone's reaction.

Be the grown up.

Original poster

Inaminuteplease · 20/08/2018 21:53

@GreenTulips you’re right I do need to be the grown up and my main fear is upsetting everyone. But something definitely needs to change as the situation is becoming toxic for everyone now.
They ask me, but always in front of her, she immediately then says yes she wants to go, so then if I say no I am immediately the bad guy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inaminuteplease · 20/08/2018 21:58

@MrsMozart she does enjoy drawing and swimming so I try and make sure we do plenty of these when she’s at home. But 90% of the time she just wants to be on her iPad. When she’s at home I limit her time on it and make sure we get out in the fresh air or do something crafty. When she’s at my mum and dads they don’t take her out they just let her sit on the sofa all weekend on her iPad, whilst waiting on her hand and foot. They don’t even tell her to have a bath or brush her teeth and will let her go the whole time without doing either, I’ve repeatedly asked them to make sure she is brushing her teeth and having a bath/shower and they tell me they will but it never happens.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 20/08/2018 22:40

my main fear is upsetting everyone

But that is at the expense of upsetting you (and DD longer term)

You need to think about you and the difficulties you will face as she heads towards teens

Set a limit - say one over night per month - Friday night to Saturday AM - make her join a Saturday AM club at 10pm orncollect her and take her for a hot chocolate so she gets you attention in full straight after (so something to look forward too) join a mother and daughter art class or yoga.

Change it a bit at a time.

If your mother than asks, say sorry not this week, and move the conversation on quickly, 'oh did I tell you I brought X last week?'

Be prepared don't be caught off guard

Sparrowlegs248 · 21/08/2018 21:12

I think a formal chat with your parents about how their behaviour is affecting your daughter. It is bloody awful of them to tell her they don't want her to leave, etc. If you decide to go tinge visits, do not send the iPad with her. But I think if they won't change their behaviour you are right to stop visits.

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