Friend really struggling with parenting

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Hi I'm looking for ways to get help for a friend who is a LP and has a little girl who is quite hard work, clingy, not a good sleeper, very full on at times. Friend has depression and other MH issues and is saying she doesn't want her DD, shouts and screams at her a lot and has confided she is worried she is going to end up hurting her.

SS has been no help and has basically said come back when the child has been hurt. There don't seem to be any charities nearby that can help either. The DD already goes to nursery three times a week. Friends will take her daughter on the occasional night so she does get a break every few weeks but it's not enough, she is struggling to cope day to day and not being the mum she wants to be. Any ideas what might help? Thanks.

How old is the DD?
Try to get out when possible, toddler groups are good for being able to talk to other mums, or the park etc just somewhere where the child can run around and use some energy up. Going out with a friend and a similar age child might be easier as it takes the pressure off the mum to play the whole time if the DD will play with the other child.

Try to have meal times and bed time at a regular time, small healthy snack between each meal as if shes getting hungry that won't help her mood.

Let her sleep in the mums bed if necessary to get more sleep.

Get into a routine of tidying during nap time/as soon as DD is asleep then use the rest of the evening as wind down time, find a series she likes etc so shes got a bit of a release and something to look forward to.

Also speak to health visitor and see if they run anything like a parenting class/PND group (might not matter if DD is slightly older)
They run both of those with a creche to leave the children in during it near us.

Also is there a gym nearby with a creche? Might be an idea as exercise can help a bit with depression in some cases.

Do you have a Home start group nearby?
www.home-start.org.uk

Thanks, part of the problem is that the DD doesn't go to sleep easily and runs around / refuses to sleep for hours sometimes not until midnight on a bad night, so she's not getting any downtime. She also has sleep issues herself so she really struggles getting out of the house.

DD is almost 3, no help available for parents with children this age from HV really. Will look into gyms with creches thanks.

My youngest was like this. One huge factor was the lack of sleep for him that was making him such a nightmare. I also had severe PND and used to lose it.
My health visitor was helpful and got me into PND courses with creche support.
And I found a sleep consultant who's methods I was comfortable with (crying it out was not an option for us) and worked for my child and within a week, the diffence in my child was unreal.
Sleep is not the answer to it all, but it's much easier to work on the other things when parent & child are both getting sleep.

There is help available from the health visitor until school age. Not routine appointments but she is still under the health visitor and if she gets in touch they will see her and be able to advise on what help they can offer. Most places run under 5 parenting classes which will cover ideas for bedtime and tantrums etc.

Thanks, as a LP she says she can't afford a sleep consultant. I should think she's seen her HV but will ask. Mine came regularly when I was struggling.

Would it be possible to help her get dds sleep sorted. So stay with her for a couple of nights and do rapid return etc. Doing that sort of thing on your own must be really hard, but if she had someone with her it might help?

Yeah she doesn't want to do sleep training Pappybear even though I think that would be better than the current situation. I can't be of much help as usually do bedtimes by myself and also wouldn't be able to get to hers in time even if DH was home a bit
earlier, she doesn't live nearby.

Ah that's tricky. Thing is it's not really sleep training anymore is it? More just getting her dd to stay put? Do you think she'd read a book about that? Gosh it's tricky. You sounds like a lovely friend.

I definitely second homestart if there's anything near here. They've been amazing for me when I needed help.

Thank you. It's a really hard situation and I can't really help a huge amount personally. I will suggest Home Start. What did they do for you?

Well the one near us has a children's centre. They have health visitors and volunteers, as well as offering training for jobs etc. I've regularly attended the playgroups there. But there has been 3 occasions where I've been on my knees with my two, and literally turned up in tears. They've given me sandwiches and advice, which sounds like nothing, but at the time was an absoloute godsend.

I understand that your friend might need more long term help than that, but they might be able to help her put some strategies and practical help in place that will just take some of the heat off her.

That sounds great, there are children's centres here but don't sound much like that tbh and they aren't connected to home start. I'll look into it though.

I have just read a brilliant book called "I am the parent who stayed", by Nina Farr. Get her a copy of it. It is really empowering, all about being a sole parent, how to handle it, how to plan for the future. Also encourage her to see her GP, a counsellor or coach, and to use charities like Gingerbread, who provide support for lone parents.

I volunteered for Home Start. Many people just needed a good listening to, but others needed more practical help. You sound like a kind friend OP.

When we were having issues with DD1’s sleep (she was about 2.5 at the time) I phoned the HV and they sent round a Nursery Nurse who came round and talked us through some techniques (we were already doing all of them so wasn’t massively helpful but they may have some tips for your friend!). Honestly I think if she can solve the sleep issues everything will get much easier. Exhaustion is a killer.

The health visitors should be able to help if she keeps going to see them or ringing them. They should have someone who is a sleep specialist I think. There is one in our area we can go see once a month for a drop in clinic and can ring her other times. She wasn't brilliant to be fair but might help. Also might be able to get home start to help.
Is her dd having naps during the day? As that's too late for her to stay up. She needs to cut naps if she is. She really needs to get her to bed and sleep a lot earlier. Think she needs to explain it's bed time and your going to bed till she gets used to it. Maybe offer sticker rewards or a treat if she does well.
My dd stated staying up late at one point so we stopped the naps and she went to going to sleep at half 7ish again. She used to wake a lot in the night so have used stickers to help with that and it helped slowly. She is 3 btw.
Must be hard for your friend but she sounds like it has all got out of control and she doesn't know what to do. It's hard to think straight when you are tired.

Thanks yes out of control is about right. I think she tends to get stressed and shouty at bedtimes but instead of it resulting in her DD sleeping it's like she then gets too wired or anxious to sleep and messes around. She tried cutting naps but her DD falls asleep quickly then wakes up in the middle of the night and is awake for hours.

She tried HV and said they were no help. I think she is lonely and bored.

Are you sure she asked the help visitor? Does she just assume they won’t jelp? There’s a lot of help out there for her so I can’t imagine why they’d say there is none. She should ask to swap health visitors!

It sounds like she really needs to get out. Playgroups activities etc. All these things are so hard if you're feeling depressed, and can seem like a pain generally, but it's SO much better than being cooped up indoors with a demanding toddler.

She says she feels she doesn't need what they can offer eg baby groups. She wants time away from her DD basically doing adult things (working, volunteering, socialising with adults without children). I can understand why as spending almost all your waking hours with a child must be hard. I don't think she realises that carving out some more time when she's with other people at baby groups or talking / therapy etc can actually be good at freeing up headspace. I get the sense she feels extremely trapped and has gone into panic mode.

Yeah that sounds like it might be the case. At the risk of flogging a dead horse could you call home start to get some advicen on her behalf? I know ours offers a crèche for certain activities if you qualify.

Thank you I'll try that. Xx