what do you tell your dc's - hit/slag back, tell teacher, ignore.....?

[AbRoller]

dd(7yo) got in trouble last week for pushing another girl in school.She maintains the other girl pushed her first. I had a talk with the teacher and dd was punished (no tv)

I was chatting to her today about going back to school tomorrow - be nice to other children, share etc and if anyone is horrible to you don't worry about it just go play with someone else or tell teacher if you're worried or somebody hits you. I explained again that it wasn't nice to hit or push anyone and that I hoped she would never do it again. She then told me that it was what her Dad told her to do!!!

I rang her Dad, my ex bf, and asked why he said it and I got 'she has to be able to look after herself and not always be crying to the teacher, if someone hits her she should hit back'

We have remained really good friends thankfully since our split (apart from the immediate aftermath) but now we've just had a big fight and dd is cross with me for giving out to daddy!

Was I right to tell her not to hit back?

My view on this is that a child should use all the available options available to them to defend themselves from violence in the same way an adult would.

That means using words and possibly telling a teacher. However if these don't work (and they sometimes don't) or if the situation warrants it (a child repeatedly hitting them or something like that) then I would definitely say they should be allowed to use physical force to stop an attack.

I would explain the difference between defending herself and getting into a prolonged fight to her and give her some techniques to use.

A loud ' DON'T HIT ME' or 'GO AWAY' or something similar might work and as an added bonus may also attract the attention of a teacher. If she is being pushed or repeatedly physically assaulted, I would tell her that one push or hit before getting away from the situation is acceptable but should be a last resort.

I think telling a child they should NEVER use physical force is not reasonable. Adults are allowed to do this in self-defence so why shouldn't a child? They do need to learn what is appropriate and what isn't though. This more complicated to learn than 'Just don't do it' but I think it is worth learning.

hi, sorry I took a while to get back, was on the phone. tnx for your reply.

I can understand what you're saying and definately if I thought for a minute that someone was regularly hitting her I would have a different approach but for now I really don't want her to think it's acceptable to raise her hands to anyone else. I believe violence breeds violence and that there are other ways to handle an incident like the other day than to hit back. Ones like you suggested.

I know I told her NEVER to hit back but I'm annoyed at her Dad to advise doing it giving her the impression that she should hit out in ANY situation.

Will have to talk with her more tomorrow.

again, tnx for your reply and useful advice