Experience with 4 and 5 year age gap

[Bluemoon88]

We're considering having a third child but have decided it will either be a 4 or 5 year gap to aim for. Obviously I realise things may not go as planned. Just wondering really if there's much difference between the 4 year gap and 5 year gap. Would it be better to wait so my DD is a bit more independent and more settled at school rather than just started school (so 5 year gap)? 4 year gap seems closer for them to have similar interests as they get older. Experience's with both and whether there was much difference between the 2 would be great. Are 5 year olds more accepting of a new sibling than a 4 year old? Thanks in advance.

In my opinion, I have found same sex siblings even with a bigger age gap do get along slightly better as children. But this is entirely anecdotal.

@Anyonewhoknows - what a lovely attitude from your dd. :)

I have a 4y11.5(!) age gap between ds & dd. They are (mostly) amazing together and do far more than my db and I did, and we have 16 mths between us.

Ds was very excited to be having a sibling (I told him at 5/6 mths I think, so not too long to wait) and adored her from the get go. He sang to her in my tummy and when she was born he pushed her on swings, read to her, taught her things and is immensely proud of her. He does occasionally wish he had his own room though!

He started school 4 days after she was born and it meant he had his own space away from the baby & was never an issue that he was leaving me with the baby. She starts school this year and I do wonder if there will be more competition between them now they'll both be doing school things. On the whole though, I love that they won't be compared at school - I found it hard to live up to a cleverer/better at sport db in the year above me.

Another poster said that this thread shows the difference between parents of /siblings with the age gap - but I think it also might show how parenting has changed over the years? I put thought into preparing Ds for the new arrival, enlisting his help and when he helped (which was often and willing) saying stuff like 'isn't dd lucky to have such a helpful/kind/amazing db as you' to really reinforce the positives. We have the Internet now to help us look at potential pitfalls and prepare for them. My parents wanted my db and I to be close, but to my knowledge didn't do much to improve our relationship, other than saying 'go and play together' - when all we did was annoy each other and spoil the other's games. My dB and I got close as older teenagers tho, so not all bad. :)

Can I add also that there is only 2 years difference with me and my brother and we didn’t get on great as kids and to this day, we like each other but are not close so I think it depends on personality and environment and bonding as to whether kids get on regardless of age maybe?

I’d consider the feelings of the older children. Do they want another sibling?

I have a 16 year old dd and a 12 year old ds and they get on surprisingly well.

I have 5 years between my DDs. It worked well as DD1 started school a few months before DD2 arrived. It took a long time for them to become close though. DD1 had no time for DD2 and things only really improved when DD1 went off ti uni and DD2 was a teenager. They then started having things in common like books, music, TV shows etc. Now they are 20 and 25 and the age gap is hardly noticeable and they get on very well despite being chalk and cheese personality wise.

My little one is 5 and I'm currently pregnant now so a bit worried too

Leanne what is it that you are worried about? If you can break your concerns down it might be easier.

I have 5 years between me and my big brother. I worshipped him as a child and now we’re adults we get on well. He’ll always be my ’big’ brother but we have a great laugh and like the age gap. We’re similar personalities so I think that helps. I know siblings closer in age that don't get on as well, mainly due to personality than age.

I am the middle of 3 siblings, there are 5 years between my older sib and me and 2 between my younger sib and me.

I have never been close to my older sib, though it may be different with just two siblings as I think with the three of us, we were very much treated as the ‘little two’ and the older one. So even though we have more in common now, there’s still that difference in the relationships because I ‘grew up with’ younger sib, but spent very little time with older sib. (But it may also partly be the difficulties of the dynamics of a 3 child family rather than the age gap per se)

I have a 4 year gap between my oldest 3, it worked very well, on maternity leave I had one on one time with the baby while the 4 year old had mornings at nursery. No jealousy, no double buggy, only 1 in nappies. Oldest 2 are boys they played lovely together and my dd has always had a great relationship with her oldest brother (obviously 8 year gap).

@30hours my eldest has overhead me and my DH talk about another baby in the past and so has often said "when we have another baby..." so I think he is expecting one and seems quite excited at the thought. My youngest is 3 and hasn't really noticed. She used to be very clingy to me and would have been difficult if we had had another then, but I think she would adjust easier now.

@Leanne9312 do you have the same concerns as myself?

@Anyonewhoknows how they'll be together and the activities really also how I can give them equal attention but I suppose il learn as I go with that one

Leanne in my 18 years of parenting (which does not make me an expert - wish it did!) I have seen all kind of families with differing age gaps and the only thing you can be certain of is that there is no certainty your kids will get along.
What I enjoy about the age gaps mine have is that the older ones still get to mess about playing with "younger" toys that they apparently shouldn't still enjoy and my younger ones get to do stuff and try things that I wouldn't necessarily have been OK with if I hadn't gone through it 10years earlier.
It works for us.
I know when my oldest leaves for uni next month the other 3 will be gutted. They adore him. And he adores them.
The bizarre thing for me is my youngest is starting school at the same time as my oldest is going to uni.

Oh and IMHO equal attention is impossible. You give what you can to each child - they each go through times of more independence, or needing more reassurance.
Eg I bf all mine for years so the others got attention in other ways (obviously)
Time wise it isn't always equal but that is true regardless of the age gap because you are considering the individual child. 2 boys 12 months apart might have very different likes so you do your best to accommodate both. Same with any other age gap.

Best thing to do? Let go of the mum guilt, love your kids and do your best.

7 year gap @Bluemoon88 - which is perfectly fine, they both dote on him and can’t do enough for him. They treat him like their own baby! But as far as playing together with the same interests goes, it’s probably too big of a gap compared to DC1 and 2

I have a 5yr gap, 3 year gap and 4 year gap.
3 year gap was by far the hardest. 5 years was the best. Ds was born in the feb so dd had been at school for 6 months so nicely settled. I had quality time with him in the day and with her in the evening. She could understand all that was going on and would enjoy helping out (getting nappies etc. She even insisted on giving him bottled etc). And if we had a bad nights sleep I could go back to bed once she was at school.

However - different ages different stages. It's hard finding days out where they are both happy and could both be entertained. It's not so bad now though (they are 14 and 9) especially now ds is tall enough for rollercoasters. But it's something to bear in mind.

4 years was also great but they might be down to dc4's laid back personality and that by the time you get to 4dc, they just slot in

There is nearly 5 years between mine and it's worked well. We did have to work really hard at building their relationship though-it doesn't come as easily as it does when their closer (imo). They are 17 and 22 now and really good mates.