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Parenting

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Original poster

Safety - useless mother alert

19 replies

HellyMnelly · 03/06/2007 21:31

I'm not sure where to put this message, I hope this is the right place. DS has just had to point out to me (yet again) how bad I am at making sure DS (23 months) is safe, at home and when we go out. Today we went to a horse show and there was a horse galloping past nearby. I was holding DS's hand but I didn't pick him up: it came close to us too. I'm like this all the time, I just hold DS's hand rather than carrying him or putting his reins on him. DH has to tell me about this all the time but I'm so rubbish I just keep on doing it. He says that DS won't live to see 5 if I carry on like this. I'm (still) on ADs for PND (duloxetine), could that be making me dopey and negligent? I'm trying to find out about parenting classes but I'm not sure if they will have much affect if I'm still like this after DH having to tell me night after night!
Sorry, I'm not sure quite what I'm looking for here, maybe just for someone else who's been on ADs who can say if this sounds like part of being on them; and also if there's anyone else who has experience of parenting classes for this type of situation.
Thanks for getting this far, I've rambled on far too much, but if there's anyone with any suggestions I'd be really, really grateful.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

scatterbrain · 03/06/2007 21:33

Maybe you're just more laid back than your dh - doesn't mean you are wrong and he is right - just different.

Has your ds ever come to any harm ?

lovemybed · 03/06/2007 21:33

do you think that you keep ds safe enough or is it just dh getting on at you thats making you question yourself???

WriggleJiggle · 03/06/2007 21:35

If ds was within touching distance of you, surely that was close enough?

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SenoraPostrophe · 03/06/2007 21:36

actually I think your dh sounds like he is neurotic about this. night after night? It wouldn't occur to me to pick up a 23 month old instead of hold his hand in any situation other than when he was tired. how is it safer exactly? horses can kick high, you know and my children haven't escaped from a hand hold yet.

I don't think this is anything to do with your ADs, but it is everything to do with you DH, and possib;ly with his attitude to them.

MissGolightly · 03/06/2007 21:37

I don't know anything about ADs but if you are holding your DS's hand securely I can't see what the problem is. Has he ever actually come to harm?

I am of the opinion that a little benign negligence is a good thing. For eg we don't have any stairgates in our house (partly for boring layout reasons I won't go into). I keep an eye on DS (13 months) but basically he has learned that he needs to slide down carefully facing backwards. He has never had an accident and is very safe around stairs, and it means we can cope when we visit friends who do not have stairgates. I think learning to cope with this has made him safer, not more dangerous.

SoupDragon · 03/06/2007 21:37

Do you think that, in fact, it's your DH who is over protective??

highonlife · 03/06/2007 21:38

Ignore (nicely) your DH. Mine has a fit if my DD jumps across the room or dives onto the sofa. He gets it off his father who thought I was strangling DS today with a sun hat. Your instincts will be natural ADs or not. SOunds like you are doing a good job, better that you are out and about rather than stuck at home too.

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 03/06/2007 21:38

Um, I think your dh is the problem, not your safety standards.

It sounds like he's deliberately undermining you and making you feel bad. Or is he just more anxious than you?

Original poster

HellyMnelly · 03/06/2007 21:38

It's never occurred to me that DS might not be safe, only when DH points it out. I thought that all little boys have the occasional tumbles, but DS has never come to any harm. It's when DS tells me how lax I am that I realise that he must be right. I really do try, I don't want DS to ever come to harm but I fear that he might if I don't improve. I try to improve and think I'm doing OK then something like this horse incident today happens and I realise that I'm not.

OP posts:

Flame · 03/06/2007 21:39

I'm with the others - you are doing fine to me.

Seona1973 · 03/06/2007 21:39

was your lo scared, did he cry when the horse went past? If not, then why would he need to be lifted? You dont sound like a useless mother and a bit of support from your dh may be more helpful than the constant put downs.

SenoraPostrophe · 03/06/2007 21:39

what horse incident? "some horses ran past" is not an incident.

purpleturtle · 03/06/2007 21:40

Dh and I also have a difference of opinion over what constitutes safe.

I consider him to be overprotective, and have resorted to shouting "Marlin!" at him on occasion. (Which will make sense if you are familiar with the film Finding Nemo.)

SenoraPostrophe · 03/06/2007 21:41

dunno about not having a stair gate though. think you should have one, but leave it open when you're nearby.

scatterbrain · 03/06/2007 21:42

Oh poor you - you have a controlling dh, he is making you feel like you have done something wrong. You haven't !! Just because your dh said so - doesn't mean it's true ! your PND and your AD's are making you more suggestible to criticism.

your little boy is fine. I also wouldn't have picked him up because a horse was passing by !

I would carry on as you are !

MissGolightly · 03/06/2007 21:43

Just because your DH says it's unsafe, doesn't automatically make it so. Try to step back from his opinion and look at this objectively.

Has your DS ever come to serious harm? (other than the tumbles all toddlers have)
Do other people regularly tell you your child is in danger? (in my experience people are NOT backward in coming forward to tell you about your parenting!)
Is your DH a fairly protective parent in other ways?

TheArmadillo · 03/06/2007 21:43

I second what ViciousSquirrelSpotter says. Is this the only thing your dh puts you down on or is it other things as well.

I definately wouldn't see a problem in holding a child's hand in that situation rather than picking them up.

edam · 03/06/2007 21:48

Um, you were holding a 23month old child's hand. That's not unsafe. Then some horses galloped past. That's not unsafe, either - they didn't actually trample over him and he was holding your hand so he didn't run off under the hooves.

So I agree with the other posters that it sounds as if your dh is over-anxious and possibly controlling.

If he's that bothered, why didn't he pick up ds? What's dh like when he's looking after ds - or does he not bother? Does he leave it all to you while he carps from the sidelines?

divastrop · 03/06/2007 22:08

the only time AD's might slow your reactions down is in the first couple of weeks when you might suffer 'start up effects',but IME if they are going to cause a problem it tends to be drowsiness etc.i am on fluoxetine for PND and i havent had any problems.

i have also been on parenting courses when my older 2 were toddlers,and they tend to teach you about behaviour/dicipline etc,not safety issues.

i agree with everybody else,your dh seems to be the problem,i mean,if your child was in any danger trust me,your instincts would kick in and you would lay down your own life to protect him.it sounds like your dh is using it as an excuse to belittle you.

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