Baby - Sleepless nights, I know it ends BUT

[Lavenderdays]

I am in my 40's with 3dc. Eldest dc is secondary school age, plus pre-schooler and baby. To say the sleepless nights are wearing me down is an understatement. Baby currently has a cold...I think I was awake every couple of hours last night and could barely function today. Luckily kids didn't mind a downtime today (played pirate ships on the bed with my pre-schooler) in a drowsy state. My life seems to have evaporated. I know this is 'normal' for where I am in life. I have had my children late and whilst I wouldn't be without them, I look at people my age with older children and think, you've got it easy (well a lot easier at any rate). There's no way I'd change things (apart from having my children earlier but that wasn't to be due to infertility and a late loss, so I am where I am) BUT I am tired. There is no extended family and no friends close enough that I can call upon. DH is home from work now (so I have temporarily clocked off) but I truly think I am losing my capacity on days like this to even think straight. Everything is about routine...it's got to be really - I wanted a larger family but it feels that I have had to go back again. I don't regret having my third dc (not after a late loss etc.) but there is no balance: with no extended family and dh working full-time, I am sometimes too tired to drive/think, it leaves me with nothing else (I have a hobby that I love but it requires a bit of concentration). Feel like I shouldn't be moaning because there are people out there struggling to have children BUT all of this feels a bit overwhelming and intense, my children are literally my everything. Facebook often doesn't help, I am sometimes envious of anyone who is able to get out of the house, let alone have exotic holidays. I know things change in time but I don't know anyone in RL who is in a similar situation with young children with whom I can have a mutual chat about how hard it is to suffer sleep deprivation etc and have a balanced life . Anyone in a similar boat?

I can totally empathise, sleep deprivation is terrible isn’t it. I’m just wondering from your post though if there is a little more to this than lack of sleep.

I think it might be worth going to see the GP and telling them how totally overwhelmed you feel and asking for them to do an iron level check and a thyroid check. Does DH know how you’re feeling too?

So sorry to hear about your late loss too. That must have been truly awful. Have you had any specialist counselling since the loss?

I think there are more people feeling similarly than you are aware of. I also think because your peers are not dealing with tiny children that you feel like the only one. However many of them will have been though that stage. Mine are 14 and 11 and I'm forty. My life now, by comparison, is much easier. But it was hell when when children were young no not sleeping. My exDH worked away, I lived very rurally and didn't drive, I had no family to help and we were broke. I was trapped, miserable and exhausted. Sometimes it just rites of Passage. They grow up, things change and life moves on. Now I have two growing kids that don't want to speak to me! So enjoy the cuddles and the games because they don't last. My children love me, and I them, but you're not the centre of their universe for long and you'll miss it when it stops!

Hi JiltedJohns

It's funny you should mention iron levels/thyroid, was going to get this checked out.
Actually managed to grab a bit of time for myself yesterday and felt a whole lot better for it.
Yes, I have received some counselling for the loss which helped greatly x
I think once the Summer holidays are over and baby is being weaned (September) things will change around a little because it is likely to mean more sleep (baby will have full stomach instead of breast milk) plus a bit more time for just me and baby during the day. My middle dc displays some challenging behaviour at times but doesn't tick all of the boxes for any of the conditions (adhd) etc. Children have been having late nights which isn't always a good thing, we need to get back into the routine of early nights because late nights quite often lead to increased bickering (dh needs to get on board with this too because it usually puts middle dc to bed). I don't know, I think it is just a combination of things that will get better as mentioned above...it could be a matter of weeks now but it is hard to see the wood for the trees when you feel shattered. People posting pictures of themselves on facebook lounging on sun loungers and resting makes me feel envious because they can (especially getting the rest!), this sort of thing feels like its a million miles away currently.

Yes Surly...I understand totally where you are coming from re. time passing but I think I actually enjoy my eldest more now she is older if you see what I mean...we go for walks together/shopping/theatre when we can and she really is quite nice company. In contrast my middle dc (though lovely and caring) exhibits some challenging behaviour and I work hard at parenting her because I love her to bits and want her to be okay. I'm sorry to hear that you had such a tough time in the early days/lack of friends/family really can have an impact cant it...I hope you find some lovely things to enjoy now your dc are getting older, you are right you aren't the centre of their universe but perhaps you could develop new hobbies/things that you enjoy. That's the thing, I've found a hobby I love, so crave a bit more balance but obviously with baby in the mix it just isn't going to be there right now. They do grow so quickly x

I think surly has hit the nail on the head, plenty of people feel just like you do, they’re just not posting it on FB. I’d try to stay off it for a bit if you can and rememver if you do go on, people are posting edited highlights and not things like my day where I’m off today and it’s my one chance of a lie in, DH kept me awake till about 1am snoring and got up at 7am then came back into the bedroom 5 times between 7am and 8am. How I haven’t murdered him, I don’t know

Definitely make an appointment with your GP if you’ve been thinking along the same lines.

As for sleep, have you tried the no cry Sleep Solution? If LO has a cold, do they still do those Karvol defusers? They were about the only thing that helped my DD, well that and the nasal aspirator 🤮

Jilted...Sorry to hear about your disrupted lie in. I am smiling because this sounds a bit like my dh crashing about some mornings getting ready for work or sometimes he can be really quiet then slam the front door on his way out!
Baby is 5.5 months and I am still breastfeeding (planned to do this up until 6 months then at least cut back) and I think she is getting to the point where she could do with a bit more food - but not ready to wean yet (neck needs to get stronger etc.) Breastfeeding is lovely, but it means that I am always on call so cant go out on my own for any length of time (don't like expressing). I know that I will feel sad when I stop because this is my last baby (so many mixed emotions). Will look into your tip about the Karvol defuser...are they available from most chemists?
Yes, skipping some of the photos now on facebook. I check facebook because a couple of my friends message me on there and I don't have a smartphone etc. to pick them up. I honestly should be grateful for having my little tribe (experienced infertility and like my dh says...I cried for dc for ages) but that doesn't stop me from being human and saying hang on, life is short, I wouldn't mind doing x,y and z and having a rest sometimes. My grandparents more or less brought me up (long story) but with emotionally absent/abusive parents, I do find the parenting thing quite intense sometimes (because I'm trying to give it my all, unlike my own childhood experiences).

It looks like the Karvol one has been discontinued sorry but Boots do one that can be used from 3 months.

Sorry to hear that your parents weren’t there for you. Don’t forget that you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be good enough.

Thanks Jilted x I know, putting pressure on myself to be perfect won't help and I need to remember that x

It’s hard not to put pressure on yourself but they only want you, to be fed, warm and kept safe, everything else is a bonus.

I really would try to keep off FB if you can, it’s really not good for your mental health. Do you think that installing FB Messenger on your phone might help you to keep you in touch with your friends?

There’s a really big growth spurt at around 6 months so you coukd just be experiencing that. Kellymom has some good information on introducing solids, which might help.

Kellymom also says this ably sleeping through the night.

Hope LO feels better soon, you get some more sleep and you get to see the GP quickly