My child doesn't like me

[starryeyed12]

I need help.

My 13 month old is driving me insane.

ALL he does is whinges unless he's on my knee or watching cartoons.

From the minute he wakes up until he's dropped off at nursery he whinges.

The second I walk in from work he whinges until bedtime.

It's constant and it's draining. I can't so much as walk to put the kettle on without him kicking off.

He has good naps and is well fed. Does he just not like me!!!???? He's happy at nursery.....

He doesnt not like you.
What's he like at weekends?

A mixture!

He can be generally happy or an absolute nightmare. Usually the latter.

I really don't know what we're doing wrong. He used to play independently really well but the last month or so he's changed. It's at a point where I'm scared to take him anywhere that's not a soft play (such as shopping) for fear he's going to kick off 😩

He is safe and comfortable around you therefore is able to express himself. He likes you.

Screen time for a 13 mo is probably inadvisable.

Can you put him in highchair in the kitchen with you while you make a cup of tea/dinner for example? So he can see you.

He is sensing your irritation with him, give him the cuddles he needs, of course he loves you.
You are his world & sometimes babes go through a whingy stage - can be irritating but try & work through it. Is he cutting any teeth? Do you have anyone else to help you with rocking/ to make you a cup of tea do you can just sit with him ?

Being a mum is honestly the most difficult thing. I have a 14 month old, he's great but he does not play on his own or even like toys and if I sit he has to be near me😂 🤷🏻‍♀️ sometimes I find it hard to entrain him unless I take him out. I definitely don't think your child hates you, I think he's just testing you and being ever so demanding. You need to try and get breaks when you can because he will drive you insane. It's ok to let him whinge and you ignore him for a few minutes. We can't be superwomen always😊

Yeah his dad is here on an evening after work but it's a morning I really struggle when I'm trying to get ready for work.

Even on a weekend in his pushchair he complains so it's impossible for us to do anything!

Can you start teaching him some sign language, just google “baby signing” for ideas. It doesn’t have to be any official system just whatever is easy for you to remember and teach him, this way he can communicate to you what he is thinking and what he wants. I found it really helpful especially with my first child before she had a lot of language because it headed off her frustration. This might help if you are finding he is bored or irritable, he is communicating with what he knows “whinging” so teach him a method that doesn’t drive you so crazy. This stage will pass as his language develops.

Some babies are just whingey unfortunately. My second was like this. Hated being a baby. The more independent she got, the happier she was. However at 2.5 she’s now going through a demonic phase again but hopefully it passes soon.

If screentime gets you 20 minutes of peace then go for it.

I agree with @MessyBun247 see if a little bit of screen times works.
They do go through a clingy stage or as I call it the "arsehole" stage where nothing pleases them. My son is laid back and never went through this but my daughter can cry on whim for absolutely anything and everything. Yesterday it was because he brother was looking at her funny. I'd suggest not bowing to his demands, you need to be firm but fair, don't constantly pick him up when he demands your attention, obviously love him, interact with him etc, but explain mummy needs to do this and go do it, if he is whinging to get on your knee when sitting down get down to his level and play with him and interact. He obviously misses you and loves his mummy otherwise he wouldn't do it but you also need your sanity. If he cries when you go make a brew, he cries, let him, he is obviously safe. Just be strong, remember your the one in charge and your doing fab xx

Sounds to me like he might be uncomfortable or in pain. Teething? It is really hard with this age as they can't tell you when they are hurting or feel unwell. You will be his world though. He will get anxious in the mornings as he knows you are dressing to leave. That's most small children. The rest of the time doesn't sound typical if he is literally always moaning or crying. Is it worth talking it through with the GP? Or are you able to go to a health visitor clinic? I'm wondering if could be a physical health problem.

My now 21 month old generally plays well independently but had a phase of separation anxiety around 12-13 months where he would often cry if not attached to me. It may be a phase (and fingers crossed) that will pass. My DS clingy phases often relate to teething too, as a pp said, and some days some teething gel or anbesol would help settle him down.

Today started in a lovely mood. He was so cuddly and happy. Then I had to get him dressed and that's when the tantrum started 😡

13 month olds are not really able to play independently for long. Can you find a way to chat inanely to him while you’re getting ready, blow the hair dryer at him playfully and so on?

You might find this book a helpful read: ‘The Happiest Toddler on the Block’ by Harvey Karp. It explains young toddlers really well.

My 23 month old DS can still be like this most days.. it's not that he hates you at all, I think it's just personality tbh. My DS is extremely headstrong and determined which just causes him to whinge/shout/tantrum when he isnt getting his own way. Also his speech isn't amazing so he gets frustrated. It will pass though (I keep telling myself this on a daily basis!)

P.S. My DS was the happiest most chilled out baby until he started nursery at 13 months so its probably an age thing / a bit of separation anxiety.

Dd also changed and became really clingy/whingey at 13 months. I think its a development thing- there's a lot to be annoyed at. They can't move properly (She wasn't walking independently) and they can't communicate fully so its a really crap time for them and, as a result, their parents. She also tantrums over loads of things too. I find singing helps- I look like a tit in public singing The Wheels on the Sodding Bus but I dont care if it distracts her and gets her to sit in her buggy, put her nappy or whatever unreasonable request ive made.

I'm noticing a pattern. He's happy when he wakes up and we have cuddles/songs etc. Then as soon as I get ready for work / I get him dressed for nursery, the tantrums begin

My littlest was a grumpy shover, anything involving other kids was a nightmare. It was a phase and he grew out of it. I agree it sounds like some separation anxiety which is a bugger because it's not like we use childcare or whatever for fun.

If he's not walking yet (he's still on the young side) it could also be frustration, they want to but cant, likewise talking, they are at a cusp of being able to express themselves but get misunderstood all the time!

And no he doesn't hate you x

Thank you.

He's been walking for a few weeks now. He's just very stroppy.

He'll get himself in a huff and throw his sippy cup or hit his toys out of my hand etc.

I don't know what's up with him 😩 x

Tonight's tantrum - SCREAMING at dinner time because he wanted to use the spoon instead of hands. When we gave him the spoon he tipped his bowl over so we took it from him and screamed louder until we took him from his chair.

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG

YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG.

You have a toddler, who is being as capricious, unreasonable and temperamental as they can, because they can and because they have zero idea how their behaviour makes you (or anyone else) feel.

You cannot change how your DS is behaving, but you can change how you handle it.
You have started to notice patterns - that is good, it means you can try and head him off before a tantrum starts by distracting him before it escalates.
So, from his POV, he is having a lovely time having cuddles and snuggles with his most favourite person, all chilled out and relaxed when BOOM! out of nowhere the cuddling stops, his favourite person stops paying him attention AND he is forced to get dressed. He is (not unreasonably) hacked off by the turn of events and lets you know by letting lose an almighty tantrum.
You can teach him that tantrums don't get results (by ignoring him until he is finished and then comforting him when it is over). You can give him advance warning about what is going to happen next ("one more cuddle and then we are getting dressed, do you want to wear your blue trousers or your green shorts today?"), or by tweaking the routine (maybe cuddles, then breakfast, then getting dressed would work better instead of getting dressed when he is perhaps really hungry?).
All you can do is to keep trying lots of things until you find something that works for you both (and repeating the process as every time the rules change).

I really think youd benefit from the apuk positive discipline course. its a lot about development and understanding what is going on for them at different ages. your little one really isn't trying to give you a hard time. 13 months is tough, at that age they cant communicate what theyre feeling properly, are experiencing lots of changes again in a whole new world of walking, interacting. you say he played independently before but hes entering a whole new era of wanting people to play alongside, and his first choice is you. he needs you to play with him, and connect with him, even when your exhausted from work. and I know what its like to have a child who cries continually, I really do, and can honestly say the thing that makes it easier and helps it get better is when you accept that it isn't an attempt to manipulate you or make you feel bad, and understand that they are having a tough time, and let go of worrying about figuring out the why, and just focus on the 'he needs me' bit, and he needs me because of how much he loves me. that whinging at you and nobody else is because you are his secure point. theres loads of other good stuff on the site too, have a look around. I hope it gets easier soon, attachmentparenting.co.uk/introduction-to-aptitude-package/

Your son sounds like a totally typical toddler! They are hard work. It is hard work.

You are not doing anything wrong.

I know it’s hard but try not to get annoyed with him (or at least: try not to let him sense your annoyance).

Totally standard for toddlers to kick off when you try to brush their teeth/get them dressed/change their nappy. You need to find some strategies to jolly him through the process. Or distract and entertain him.

If he whines in the buggy it might be that he wants to get out and walk. Buy some cheap reins and let him plod along (slowly!) beside you.

I mean this in the nicest way: 13 months is very young and it’s not meant to be easy when they’re this young! I think maybe your expectations are too high?? I found it hard to get ready for work when my two were toddlers. I often went to work with wet hair in a pony tail and did my makeup on the train!!

Thank you @PerspicaciaTick. That actually really hits home, looking at it from the angle of him being happy to have cuddles with his favourite person, then all of a sudden thrown into the routine of getting dressed!

@BotBotticelli thanks for your post too. I guess I just wasn't expecting the tantrum stage this early!

@bubble96 I'll have a look at your link 😀

I find with my toddler that a warning and a countdown really helps. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't work EVERY SINGLE TIME but a lot of the time it does.

So for example if I need to put a stop to something, eg reading stories as it's bedtime, I always say "Right, DD1, last one of X, then we'll say 'bye bye' to X". Then when we have finished doing whatever it is, I'll actually say "OK, bye bye X", then "Time for Y now."

If I need her to do something and it's something I know she really won't like (changing her nappy), I'll also warn her that's what we're going to do once she has finished X. She's talking a bit now so she'll often say, "No, Mummy" and start doing something else. In which case I'll give her a bit of "take-up time" and say, "OK, we'll change your nappy in 1 minute," and then I'll do a 5,4,3,2,1 countdown if she still has not budged by then. I find if I pick her up on 1 she actually won't fuss at all and will go happily with me.

It sounds exhausting from the way I have written it down but actually it's fairly stress-free. I have a very independent and wilful kid, and she's far easier to handle if she feels she has some "say" in what's going on, even if she doesn't!