Favouritism or to spite me?

[Oceandegree]

I split from h about 3 years ago. I am hoping to gain the courage to start divorce proceedings very soon for different reasons.
We have 3 children (9,7,5) two girls and a boy. My last is the boy.
H wanted me to have a termination with ds (he didn't want to use contraception either!) as we'd only planned to have two.I didn't want to but I caved in and had made an appointment to keep the peace as awful as that sounds as he was very bitter about the prospect.
However, after a few days, I couldn't do it and cancelled the appointment. He wasn't happy. (silent treatment again for days as he often did).
Anyway, DS came along and it was OK. H never helped out with the kids anyway so I didn't expect much from him for DS.
As he grew older H started leaving him out of things and only taking the girls out. He has continued to do this until now. Ds is not stupid and says daddy won't take him because he is 'naughty'. (he is not and is quite independent and loving).
I'd left the three of them one day to pop to the shop (when we were still together) for 10 minutes and came home to find him hanging out of the top window (about 2 at the time) while h was sat downstairs on his pc.
This scared the life out of me.
It is really hurting my son. H lives about 3 hours away in London (in previous family home) and sometimes takes the girls back for a few days but he refuses to take DS. (they are there atm and I'm here with him alone).
If I take the kids to London, I have to stay and 'supervise'. He gets moody if he has to look after them all even if I go out for an hour.
I usually just end taking ds out with me.
So even 3 years down the line separated, I am wondering what is going on here. Is it favouritism or is he trying to get back at me for defying his wishes?
Is he still trying to control me through me ALWAYS having at least one of them to look after?
They live with me all the time (apart from the few days in the holidays) and I have to stay there if I take them to his.

I'm looking at divorce now but wondering how the childcare/him seeing them is going to work out. What would a judge think of this and would he have to have all three of them rather than picking who he takes out?.

What do you want to happen is the most important question?

Do you want him to have all three regularly?
Do you want to go with them?
Does he take them away?

Think on that and ask the kids their opinion.

You aren't getting the break you deserve and your son isn't getting his fathers attention (poor boy)

Greentulips. I'm unsure tbh. I think if I left ds, he would be unhappy and h would just get annoyed or not bother with him. H is trying to use the 'parenting issues' to try and get me to go back.

On the other hand I think he needs the father figure in his life and would want to try and encourage it if it could work.

Well you have to do what you feel is right . I'd divorce him - if he doesn't agree then you only have another two years and he can't contest it .
What do the girls think and say about their dad just seeing them on occasion - I'm sure your little boy is perfect and his dad is an arse - see a solicitor and tell them and the judge when it comes to it what you've told us - also consider a child psychologist / family mediator - your exes attitude is damaging to your son as you know - in the long term kids grow up of course and they see through some of us adults behaving badly - in the meantime when the girls are away do something special for your boy ( as I'm sure you do ) and just make light of it ( ie 'cover for him ' ) to protect your boy - good luck

Thanks Bengal, Just to be clear (not that anyone said I otherwise) I let him see them whenever he wants. I've changed many a plan if he calls me the day before to say he's coming and make sure I go there as often as I can. However, he often is too busy or changes them.

I'm enjoying my few days with just me and ds, we are going to Diggerland tomorrow so hope this will cheer him up. :).

As you suggested, I have already contacted a mediator (waiting for reply) but I don't 'think' he'd come. Can I go alone?

Yes you can go alone