im so sorry, ive just seen your reply. I want to just send you a hug. it is so very tough. I just want you to know from a mum of one, that you do not have to feel like you cant complain because you chose to have 3, though I know I tell myself the same for reverse reasons, that I must not complain because I only have one. fact is its all hard, you can say this, you don't have to feel guilt. its normal to want to withdraw, we all still want to be our own person, and being a parent especially when they are still small takes virtually every piece of you, and we give it willingly through love, but were only human, at times we want it back, we want to be away, alone, silence, freedom, not because we don't love them, just because we miss ourselves. I shed a tear reading your last sentence, I wish I didn't understand but I do, I had 5 miscarriages. whilst earlier they were all devastating, and one was late enough for me to see my baby, and every piece of me was broken. children after loss seem so much more fragile, they do feel like the miracles they are, but that can leave us with this higher expectation of ourselves. I know the feeling of how could I wish to be away when I went through so much to have her, when ive lost so many, when I know what that feels like. but we are human, and I think I felt more guilt than I needed to because of the grief, I know I still do now, though its got easier to recognise when im being unfair to myself with the guilt. did you get much support when you lost your baby? i still see a counsellor now 3 years on since my most traumatic loss, it does help me understand how it impacts me parenting, which tbh is mostly for the good, you know, i value my daughter being here even more than if i hadn't experienced loss, but it flips too, it makes it harder to be me and not feel guilt for wanting to. x