DP claims DS's will need him more than me as they grow up

[cjs76]

Dp made a comment yesterday about our 2 ds needing him more than me as they grow up we dont have any other children and are not likely to due to finances - they comment really upset me and i cant get it out of my head he can be very thoughtless and is often out working or socialising so i spend alot of time with ds's on my own or with my mum as a result ds1 2 years always asks for mummy or nana ds2 too young 9 months - what are ypu thoughts on this ? we are going through a bit of a rocky patch anyway at the mo

oo has he been reading stephen bidulph who has a theory that from 7 boys cleave to their father more

IMHO you get out of children what you give .. so whilst there may well be phases when a child will prefer one parent over another in general you can't beat being mummy IMO ... I think as they get older fathers (trad fathers) pay more attention to their children as they are more able to play the physical games and you should encourage these

a child always needs its mum though so don't let him psyche you out

Yeah, does sound like your DP is quoting Bidulph ("raising boys" - worth a read tho you don't have to believe all of it!)
My DS is 14, craves his father's approval and is never happier than when "bonding" with Dad. But he really needs his Mum every now and again (like when he's fallen out with Dad or struggling to understand emotions etc). In general, children do spend more time with their mums when little. I for one am very glad that my DS prefers his Dad's company today - they're playing tennis 26 degrees here and I've been lazing in the back garden with a G&T! Biddulph also suggests (I think, a while since I read it,a nd have lent it to someone else, so can't checm -Twiglett might have read it more recently) that boys look for role models outside the family as teenagers - so your DP might find that your 2 DS needs someone else more than him as time goes on! (Does that make sense? Several G&Ts actuallY!)

I think you are overreacting a little TBH. My DH says things like this too and it doesn't bother me.

He only says it because he is proud of his son and he wants to be needed and loved.

Anyway, there are bound to be stages when DCs prefer to play or cuddle more with one or the other, and if they 'prefer" daddy for a bit it doesn't mean they don't love their mum..

It's why in some cultures if parents split the fathers always get the boys age 7 +. But surely it's good if they need and want both parents at different stages of their lives.

Well, I've never heard of Biddulph, but he's only quoting knowledge as old as the hills.

Boys go through various stages of development. My dp has four children from his first marriage (2 boys, 2 girls) ... all grown up now mostly.

He has always said to me that when a boy gets to seven, he wants to be with his dad above all else. Up to that age, the mother love (in its intensity), is pretty exclusive.

It doesn't stop him wanting his mum after seven. In fact, come adolescence, a lot of boys (albeit secretly), crave their mother's approval again.

It's all part of the seven ages of man

Of course, none of that helps with your rocky patch ....

He is wrong, they need you both equally, probably in different ways.

He's not wrong, Nightnight. Whilst it's true that children need their parents equally, that equity does not always follow a smooth path

Come adolescence they may both need you to calm down the testosterone head-to-heads that might occur.

and on top of all of that... we find that we end up doing a bit of a "good cop/bad cop" routine - ie DS will be winding one of us up so much that we're fit to blow and the other parent smooths the way. And vice versa.
Who'd be a parent?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Agree with last few posts. What your kids will want and benefit from most, more than either you or dh, is you both being together and providing them with a secure and stable home life from which they get ready to go out and explore!

So don't focus on your ds's and who needs who more, focus on getting over this rocky patch. That's the important thing to the whole family.

but we are talking about their whole childhood aren't we, desiderata?

my ex thought the same, until he realised that clean clothes and regular meals were not as easy to conjure up as he imagined.

Thanks for the replies. He stayed at his brothers fri eve came back breifly with brother on sat and took only ds1 to the park brought him back and went back off to the brothers and I havent seen him since had one text saying he will be back this evening and he knows it is unfair to leave me so much with the ds's but he didnt want to talk to me. My mum who lives down the road is away on holiday and I have had an awful day on my own - I know I have the ds's but its been really hard they have been pretty good really, but I think we are now going to split and I dont think I even want him back now anyway, but all day ive been crying as I image this is what it is always going to be like me on my own and him off with his mates, and if he takes the ds's all I will do is worry anyway - I truely never would have had them if I thought we were going to end up like this my own parents split when I was 16 & my sis was 13 and it was hard enough then and I know what my mum went through emotionally and financially. Also I only work 3 days a week so now will have to go and get a full time job again my youngest isnt even 1 yet but I wont survive otherwise.

I'm sorry to hear things are so bad for you cjs76.

You can get benefits as a single mum, have a look at the jobcentres website. I know this doesn't help with your situation right now, but at least you don't have to start working full time.

Maybe when your mum gets back she can take DS's and you could go out with soem GFs for a bit? It sounds if this is something you don't do very often?