What do you do with a 7 week old?

[MeadowHay]

DD is 7 weeks old tomorrow. I've been finding it all so tough even though DH is fantastic and we get a lot of support from my parents and brother, especially in the first few weeks and DH had 3 weeks paternity. I had a horrible labour and birth and still feel traumatised by it and already had a pre-existing anxiety disorder. I still have some pain and discomfort in my episiotomy area and I'm BF despite still having horrible pain and damaged nipples that have gotten no better since around week 2, that nobody can find any reason for as had my latch checked numerous times.

Some days are better than others, but on bad days I just cry and cry because she just constantly wants to feed, which obviously I detest because of the pain, and back pain too sitting feeding her all the time, and then when she's not feeding, she basically just cries. Thankfully she's a good sleeper for her age on a night, but she rarely sleeps for more than about 20 mins at a time during the day, a few times a day, and if she's not asleep or feeding she's basically just crying. I feel like I'm relying more and more on her dummies too which I don't like because I want to teach her to self-settle etc but she just screams and screams otherwise. I feel like part of it might be boredom but what am I meant to do with her when she can't do anything yet?

I haven't managed to get out to any groups or anything yet due to my long, painful postnatal recovery period and my anxiety but I am going to go to one for new parents on Thursday afternoon. I don't have any friends with children, and no family members of a similar age with children either. I feel isolated and when she's crying on and off for like an entire hour and then I give in and end up feeding her for an hour and repeat for hours and hours on my own it's so draining.

The 3 X 30 mins naps and needing to rock to do it is sooooooo familiar!! Drove me crazy but is totally normal.

I know it might sound bad cos I'm sorry obv that other people had similar difficult times with their babies but it is also reassuring to know it's not just me or something I'm doing wrong that is making my baby cry as so many of you had the same thing and came out the other side!!

I didn't post straight away as then we had some better days. Then the last few days have been grim again. I finally downloaded the Wonder Weeks app and find that interesting and reassuring too. I took her to the supermarket today, she was sleeping but cried as soon as I moved to put her in the pram, she slept on the way there but then woke up whilst I was looking at baby clothes and started crying so had to zoom out the shop and she slept on the walk home then woke up and cried again when we got back home. Sigh.

I am spending most of the days at my parents with her because DH and I have just moved house and it's being renovated and not finished, don't even have a fridge plugged in yet or shower connected (it's only like 5 mins walk from my parents). DM is super helpful but I am now finding it stressful being here as DF, DSish and DB (both younger than me with no kids) are now finding the crying trying and being very unhelpful, DSis always moaning about the crying when she's trying to watch tv - "why are they even here?" "can't you get the baby to shut up?", DF: I was a notoriously screamy baby who slept badly and had awful colic - "she's even worse than you" "just give her bottles man" "she's just a bad-tempered baby" - DB: "I think you should give her bottles", and my extended family members on both sides keep Whatsapping me telling me to formula feed her! I've got no problem with FF and probably switch over the next few weeks if things don't improve, but I'm trying my hardest to do what I think is best for my DD and it's so stressful having everyone undermining my decision and making out like it's my fault she's crying and that somehow I'm getting something out of not formula feeding her and that would magically solve the problem! It's so stressful . DD is gaining weight well and is growing tall, plenty of wet and pooey nappies etc so no concerns about my supply at all!

Oh I should say I did actually manage to get to the baby group last Thursday, it was tough as I have anxiety so I felt like I might be sick and didn't do a fantastic job at interacting with people at some points, but I did have a chat with a few parents, two of whom I felt like I got on with quite well, one a dad and one another mum with baby the same age as mine and breastfeeding. I can't go again this week as it clashes with my post-natal check/DD's immunisations and check but will deffo go the week after and make that part of my weekly routine, I think it will help me to get out more and it's only a few mins walk from home and I feel comfy BFing her there with lots of other BFing mums etc. I will say though that even there, the other baby the same age as mine was laying calmly on the playmat for like 45 mins looking around at the toys etc before crying to be BF. My baby slept the first 45 mins and then cried to be BF like there is no way DD would lay on a playmat looking around calmly for 45 mins! I can barely get 10 mins of that out of her while she smiles at me then she starts crying again!

I think some babies just know when you have entered a shop, mine does exactly the same thing. I'm glad you are getting out and that your LO is gaining weight. Fingers crossed she will gradually extend her playing time.

OP, you are doing AMAZINGLY. Sounds very much like my DD who was eventually diagnosed with silent reflux and CMPA. I sat and cried all day every day so if you're managing to leave the house you're a rockstar as far as I'm concerned. It does get better, I promise. For me the real key was finding what helped her nap during the day. I have to rock her to sleep and let her sleep on me. It's the only way she'll nap, despite self-settling at night from 3 months. It's a pain but totally worth it as without her naps she's a monster.

@meadowhey I had a similar time to you when I had my LO. As much is it sounds a load of crap now I can promise it gets better. I had a horrific birth and used to sit up at night thinking “why me” then slowly but surely my wounds healed and I was mended. Mentally it was awful as I was devastated at how my birth went and felt cheated by the hospital. Never ever feel like you did a bad job, having a baby is hard, yes some women make it look easy but roses and sunflowers it isn’t! You did a fantastic job and have created a gorgeous baby.

On the BF note, i went against all advice and expressed for a day just to give my nipples a rest, et voila it worked! I also combi fed.

On reflection I think that the early days of having a baby are so hard, you guess everything, you worry about everything and you worry what other people will think of you. Now my LO is older I still worry and guess but I also trust my own mind, this is something at first you just can’t do because you don’t know anything else.

You have birthed a baby and are breastfeeding, as far as I’m concerned you are doing a cracking job! The wounds will heal and you will look back and think how shit it was but he proud of how far you have come. Xxxxx

Oh, forgot to say. Try not to compare your baby to others, it’s sooooo hard not too but take little bits of advice etc from other Mums but also remember that it’s your baby. Also, if your baby is crying don’t worry because theirs probably was an hour ago. I used to compare something terrible as I think it’s a way of trying to control the situation, before a baby comes along we are totally in control of everything but with a baby you aren’t and sometimes you have to go with the flow. I can honestly say this because at first I drove myself mad comparing, worrying, hoping they didn’t cry in public etc now I just go with my baby.

Mum groups are also amazing but I do think some Mums lie a bit so don’t always think everyone’s situation is rosy.

I found a V pillow on my lap while feeding helpful. It kept baby at the right height to feed so my hands were free while feeding. It was also useful when they fell asleep feeding as I could leave them on the pillow and slide it off my lap while baby slept so I didn’t wake them after the feed. Obviously you need to be careful how baby is laying on the pillow and sofa afterwards to they don’t fall etc but I found it gave me a bit of respite from constantly needing to hold.

Try not to compare your baby to others

This. A million times over. You are doing a great job, well done on getting out.

It will get better. DS fed all day, it hurt like hell - I'm convinced that 'toe curling' and 'grin and bear it' refer to breastfeeding mothers. It's bloody hard in the first few weeks - your family don't sound particularly positive influences at the moment either.

You're not alone, even at 3am when baby won't sleep, feeding hurts and you're knackered and have had enough, there's more of you out there sitting in darkened rooms going through the same. It will get better.

And I found lansinoh ointment was the best nipple cream.

Sorry you’re having such a difficult time

It sounds as if she might have tongue tie and silent reflux. My son had both and we struggled with similar issues.

It’s important to get the tongue tie assessed and divided if necessary, even if you decide to stop breastfeeding and switch to bottles full time, because it can still cause feeding problems for bottle fed babies as well as speech difficulties later on. More info about tongue tie here. I suggest you find your nearest tongue tie practitioner and get them to do a proper assessment.

For reflux, I found the information and advice in this book useful: “Colic Solved: the essential guide to infant reflux and the care of your crying, difficult-to-soothe baby”. Keeping baby upright after a feed helps, putting their crib/cot at an angle (you can get wedges to go under the mattress) and if necessary there is medication you can give. Read up on the symptoms and if you suspect reflux it’s definitely worth seeing the GP.

As for what to do with baby, I suggest breastfeeding drop-ins and whatever will be good for you, whether that’s a walk with baby in the sling or pram (the fresh air and gentle exercise will do you good) or a postnatal yoga class (there are some you can take baby to, and if she doesn’t like lying on the mat could you try her in a bouncer chair with toys attached?)

Well done for going to the group btw, do keep going and hopefully it will be easier each time

Oh and and I agree with the previous suggestion to take baby to an osteopath. See if you can get a recommendation for one who is good with babies. If there is any discomfort caused by the lasting impact of the birth, an osteopath should be able to relieve it. Might not be the cause but it’s worth a try surely.