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I think DS is lonely. What can I do?

16 replies

flightattendant · 01/06/2007 16:28

DS is just four. He has been at preschool since January and finally settled in quite well, he does seem to be relating well to other children mainly, and will play nicely most of the time given the opportunity.

However he is an only child (expecting DS2 next week) and now he has discovered the joys of playing with others, he seems totally desperate for it.

Last week on his birthday, he met some older children who live up the road. They are from a German family and very, very sensible, well adjusted, kind to him etc. despite being 11, 9 and 7.

(He used to follow older kids round at the swings, and they would often mock him, which broke my heart ) but these are nice to him which is lovely.

They played with him for an hour or two and had to go home. The next day he was crying for them, it was terrible, I had to explain that they were busy and had other friends they needed to see. He doesn't understand.

He has been talking about them all week and today we saw them again, they came to play, he went to their house on his own (first time he's ever done that) and had a brilliant time - I'm not sure how much they get out of it but he's in awe of them.

Afterwards he could barely say goodbye, and has cried ever since, on and off - he's such a sociable little kid and always talks to strangers - anyone who will listen.

I try to play with him and talk to him, but it isn't the same and now I'm really concerned that he's dreadfully lonely - he will even stand at our gate and try to ask passing children to play with him, even though he doesn't know them, which worries me a lot (it's only a few feet from the door so I can hear him and go and intervene)

Poor little thing just seems desperate for more friends, but we do have some and he doesn't seem to get on with those his own age so well, or be so interested in playing/visiting them.

He'll be at school from September but will this be enough, and what to do before that? I feel like he's hungry and I can't satisfy him. It's so sad.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
flightattendant · 01/06/2007 16:30

He doesn't like preschool much BTW, prefers the grown ups to the children...just seems to like older ones, this too is scary given previous experience of the older ones being nasty to him etc...will he seek them out at school and get led on by them? He doesn't understand when they laugh at him.

OP posts:
hoxtonchick · 01/06/2007 16:33

can you ask some of his friends from nursery round to play?

hoxtonchick · 01/06/2007 16:34

sorry, x-post .

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handlemecarefully · 01/06/2007 16:34

Ummm - I think I would nevertheless invite children from Pre-School around to play, to encourage and develop an interest in him re. playing with children of his own age group...to avoid the 'older children teasing scenario' that you have described

Twiglett · 01/06/2007 16:36

all kids like older kids

if you start to arrange playdates with his peers he'll learn to play with them

he'll be fine .. don't over-worry it

Desiderata · 01/06/2007 16:37

Ahh, your post has really struck a chord with me. It is heartbreaking as a mother. You see other small boys running around with their friends and your little boy seems out of the loop, but I really don't think you've anything to worry about long-term.

He will have a new brother coming along soon - I doubt that will be easy, but for him at least, it will be diverting. He's starting school in September, an environment from which he will be able to pick his own, special friends given time.

My ds is just 2.5, and he struggles with children his own age. His best (and only) friend is the six-year-old who lives next door ... and for that I'm grateful. He said to me ysterday 'Mummy, why don't I have any friends,' and I felt so sad. But he's sociable, and funny ... it's just that I don't know many people. I need to make more effort to get out there ... but it seems to me you've done all you can and I'm sure it will all resolve itself soon.

There are lots of threads of MN about this very subject, so you could try checking the archives to see if you can get any more supportive ideas.

Anyhow, what a ramble

handlemecarefully · 01/06/2007 16:37

I would also say to him quite directly;

"You know ds you are a lovely little boy with a lot to offer, but you must not be disappointed if older children don't want to play. Children tend to prefer playing with children of their own age - that's only natural and doesn't mean they don't like you. They might just find you a bit too young for them, that's all. How about inviting 'X' around for tea?"

handlemecarefully · 01/06/2007 16:38

Twig put it very succinctly and she is bang on target

flightattendant · 01/06/2007 16:39

Yes, I do try to encourage him to play with our friends' children...seems to be a lot of rivalry though with same-age kids, iykwim...he loves to be with older ones. I so wish he had more brothers or sisters, sadly it didn't happen that way.

Will persevere with the playdates though. He needs something.

OP posts:
flightattendant · 01/06/2007 16:41

X posts! Desiderata, I sympathise, TBH although we know a few people, I'm pretty unconnected too...so we spend a lot of time just me and him. It seems like that really doesn't provide enough for him though...I was a lonely little kid despite having an older sister, and I'd hate for him to become the same.

OP posts:
cornsilk · 01/06/2007 16:44

I used to feel this this with my ds1! He was just so desperate to play with other children and there was no-one on our street. He was fine from when he started reception and soon found some special friends to invite round for plays. Try not to worry too much - when he starts school he'll have plenty of friends!

handlemecarefully · 01/06/2007 16:47

That's true - it does seem to come together a little better for them in Reception

maycontainstress · 01/06/2007 16:54

I know it is heartbreaking for a mother and I totally empathise, my DTS are always chasing after and yelling for the older lads at the park.

Don't forget that in Reception, your LO will almost certainly have a school 'buddy' (an older child in the school who has been selected to keep an eye on him during playtimes and involve him in friends/play).

Bless him. X

Twiglett · 01/06/2007 17:14

almost certainly have a school buddy? .. says who?

they certainly don't do that at our school

maycontainstress · 01/06/2007 17:19

Oh really? I thought it was the norm, apologies.

In our area, all the first schools operate this scheme for Reception children. I think its a brilliant idea. It helped my two out no end.

I'd have liked to think all schools do it.

ahundredtimes · 01/06/2007 17:24

Older kids are always fab for them, because if they're nice then they indulge them a bit. My dcs used to adore older children at that age. They have to learn a bit of give and take with their peer group - but all this will happen quite naturally in reception I expect.
Don't be too upset by it - he had a FAB time round their house and he wants to go again. That's all! He'll get used to negotiating with others, and he'll get a best mate in September and drive you mad with the nag nag nagging about having him round. . . .

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