Toddlers and husbands

[monkeymuma]

Hi,
I've never posted before but I could do with some advice or at least a place to rant!
My husband has totally different rules when it comes to our son who is 2. He tells me I'm wrong and mean all the time when all I try to do is my best while trying to have some rules in place for our son and he often goes against what I say.
Tonight I've spent an hour trying to get little one to sleep whilst he's rolling and jumping around being a pickle. OH decides to come In just as he's drifting off finally so LO wakes up and gets excited. I explained that he was almost asleep and got told I was being moody with him (which I wasn't, simply commenting!) I said he could have a go at settling him. To which he replied I was in a mood (which I wasn't) he was then going to let him watch some songs on the iPad which I suggested not to do as it's like rewarding him for not going to sleep but I was told to shut up and leave the room. I'm so sick of being told I'm wrong and being horrible when I'm trying my best and have some idea of what to do and what not to do but he won't ever listen to me and just tells me I'm cold and that I don't care about our son. He'll probably get him to sleep now because I've spent ages settling him and now he's tired and that'll be a win for him 🙁
Any advice on how to get him to see my side at least some of the time. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about how he treats me when it comes to our son and I'm so frustrated.

My DH used to make comments all the time when our 1st (my 3rd!) child was born. It was stuff like "you're rocking her too hard" or "you need to burp her like this, she's still got wind" or "she's not old enough to wear that (soft leggings and cotton top)"

It really started to upset me as I felt I was constant being undermined and as though every thing I did was wrong in some way. I just snapped one night though and said "do you realise that you comment negatively on EVERYTHING that I do?!" And listed loads of examples. I told him to keep his mouth shut in future because I was sick of hearing it.

It worked, not sure if it was the best approach or not though?

Thank you for your comment. It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels like this (although sorry you've also felt like this too).
I've said to him before about how negative he is about me all the time. And especially when he says it to my son about how horrible I am. It's so hard to live with when he's loving and kind one minute and the complete opposite the next. I get so down about it and feel trapped and alone when things are bad.
Maybe I just need to keep saying it to him with the hope one day he'll understand what he's doing to me 🤞

He absolutely should not be telling your son how horrible you are, that's terrible of him. Having said that you're both wrong, you don't need to coddle him for an hour settling him and no he shouldn't be watching an iPad before bed. You both need to sit down together and agree what you're going to do at bedtimes, may I suggest a storybook and then you say goodnight and leave him with some music playing. If you can't communicate and agree some ground rules your ds will eventually learn to play you off one another to get what he wants. Don't make the conversation about you however unpleasant he has been, it's about ds, take control and discuss it earlier in the day before you're all tired and bedtime is upon you. The rules have to be consistent even if that means compromise.

I appreciate your comment, but we do have stories before bed time, which he loves. We've done that since he was tiny.
I don't agree with having the iPad to wind down with either and I've expressed that to my OH, however he doesn't listen and says it's his time with our son. It doesn't usually take an hour to settle our LO, it was just so hot last night he couldn't settle. He usually has a story, milk and then straight to sleep. I know not everyone will agree with sitting in his room until he falls asleep but he's only little for a short time and that's what we've always done. I haven't always wanted to, but again my OH gets cross with me if our son is crying and so I've always had to stay with him when he goes to bed. It's not ideal but one day he won't need me to so I'll take it for now.
I really don't need any more criticism for the way I'm trying to deal with things in our family, just needed a place where I could be honest really and vent a bit. I'm sorry if you don't agree with me.

Why does he get cross with you if your son is crying? It's nobody's fault if he won't settle, and he should t be leaving it solely to you to deal with if he thinks he has all the answers! DH and I take it in turns if DD who's also 2 won't settle. She'll cry out, one of us will go up, lay her back down, tell her it's time to go to sleep and leave the room. If she then cries again, the other parent will do the same and repeat until she finally gets the message and gives in. When we had our first, who's is now 15, we argued over rules all the time, and now DD is a master manipulator, so DH has definitely learned the hard way!

There's nothing wrong with having a long wind down to sleep OP, different kids need different things. However they do need consistency.
Can you say to DH you're fed up of him undermining you in front of your son and you need to be united so can you agree some ground rules. Even if it's alternate nights for put down and you both do it your own way with no interruptions.

Him bitching about me to the child would be a breaking point for me.

Your son will grow up knowing mom is mean and stupid and doesn't have to be abided by, that he can treat you with contempt and it will be OK, probably even funny.
He'll then think he can treat his partners like that. You need to stop it now.

Your dh needs to learn that kids cry and it's not always someone's fault, you've still got the terrible twos to come and he cannot be holding you accountable for every tantrum. He's bullying you. Don't take it for now.

I understand you're not looking for criticism but how many years do you want to put up with a relationship where everything child related is your fault? You need to take back some power in this partnership.