Smoking and SIDS

[enbh]

I'm wondering if I'm panicking for nothing...
Basically me and DH are having to go away overnight to BIL wedding. Leaving 4 month old DD at home with my mum.
She smokes. Would never ever smoke around DD but still smokes the same.

My question is this, if she stays in the same room as my DD (the only bed in our house is in the same room as cot) will the fact that she smoked earlier in the day affect DD? I know you shouldn't smoke and bed share which she won't be doing and you shouldn't smoke around baby which she obviously won't do either, but the cot is near the bed, is this similar to bed sharing? Should I move cot into other room?

I know I probably sound really paranoid but I'm really really terrified of SIDS and being a FTM it's just all so scary!

Thanks for reading!

Not ideal but bigger risk to leave daughter in room on own as I understand it

That was my other worry I know you should room share for 1st 6 months.

Are you ready to leave her? Would your DM be happy to come and look after dd and have her own room - you then transfer dd back to your room.

Is there anyone else who could have DD? As even though she won't smoke around her I expect she will have to leave her while she goes in the garden to smoke? It will still be on her clothes and hair/skin.

Could you not take DD?

I'm a bit worried about her being in her own room to be honest, she's just learned how to move back to front but can't move back yet and has started to flip over in the night so ideally would rather she was in with someone, but worried about the smoking thing.

Not really ready to leave her but the wedding is miles away, it's a 6 hour drive so don't want to take her and DHs mum and dad have booked us a room...I don't to be ungrateful but the smoking thing is worrying me.

Ugh... everything is worrying me!

I'm petrified of SIDS too and I say this as a mother of a young baby and I'm a smoker.

I don't smoke near my child. I don't smoke in the house. I have a t shirt I use for when I smoke outside which I change when I come back inside.

I would imagine (also hoping) that it really doesn't matter as I'm not smoking in the house or near the baby nor do I have smoky clothes.

So I'd try not to worry.

I do, however, worry about taking my DS to my Mums house and haven't done so yet because she smokes too but smokes in her house which is a big no for me.

If you asked your mum not to smoke at all on the day she's due to have DD would she listen?

Also to add, I have DS in a Moses basket right next to my bed at night and I don't class it as bed sharing and would never bed share as I smoke.

If you are worried about this (and quite justifiably so) then there is no way you are going to relax and enjoy a wedding 6 hours away. Cut your losses and send your dh alone. 4 months is very little!

AIUI the Lullaby Trust say it's only bedsharing (as opposed to room-sharing, which is the more accurate definition of 'co-sleeping') that has been found to carry an increased risk.

But - if you want my honest view - I wouldn't be going to this wedding and leaving my young baby in the care of a smoker. She will need to smoke and go out and leave your dd alone (safely in cot, I guess, but still). She will have third-hand smoke on her clothes and her things and her hair and her breath - even if she really doesn't smoke all weekend, there will still be some. Of course it's miles better to smoke only outside than indoors, but third-hand smoke remains and research is starting to come out about just how big a problem it is. All the precautions people take (changing clothes etc) are really only sticking plasters/placebos to make people feel better about the smoke exposure which is still happening.

*end of my third para should say '...an increased risk, over and above the increased risk by virtue of the parents being smokers in the first place'

Oh FFS. End of my FIRST para.

I don't smoke near my child. I don't smoke in the house. I have a t shirt I use for when I smoke outside which I change when I come back inside.

none of which prevents you exhaling toxins all over your poor child.

why would you do that?

OP you are planning on leaving your tiny baby overnight with a "carer" who will be exhaling toxins constantly, day and night, and you are posting here for what?

someone to tell you its fine??

Its not fine, its not safe, its not responsible and it is NOT necessary for the sake of a wedding.

I would take your dd with you. 4 months is really little. Don't worry about the drive - used to do this frequently to visit MIL from when dc were tiny.

Jesus fucking Christ, get a handle on yourself @Clairetree1

It’s ONE NIGHT. I get the anxiety OP I really do. If you suspect she won’t honour the NCT guideline which is not to go near baby for 90mins after a fag, or that she wouldn’t be able to lay off until after bedtime is done then maybe you need to leave baby elsewhere.

For anyone who has a go at @boombamboom I was where she was around 8 weeks ago and riddled to death with anxiety had tried everything you name it. The only thing that worked was Allen Carr’s workshop. Three hundred quid.

If it was so easy to quit then why do so many folk smoke, @ClaireTree1 please do let us know.

I wouldn’t worry about sids, it’s incredibly rare and there are quite a few risk factors but often it will be unsafe sleeping arrangements, drugs or alcohol involved. I wouldn’t however want to leave a tiny baby in the care of a smoker or have them share a room because the thought of all the poisons does make me nervous. It’s understandable to worry about everything when leaving a young baby for the 1st time.

@Clairetree1 because I'm a terrible fucking mother clearly.

She said she is more than happy not to smoke while she looking after DD but I don't think she could not smoke the whole day, even if she wanted to, I'd hate for her to be really destracted and dying for a cigarette.

@clairtree1 there is no need to be like that, you are making it sound like I'm being ridiculous for even asking.

I just didn't want to take DD on a 6(ish) hour drive as I thought being sat in a car seat would be irresponsible too. It's hard knowing the best thing to do, there is so much information about what not to do, but it's not as easy putting it all into practice in real life.

I wouldn't go OP. Your mum will find it hard not to smoke all day, she might nip out for one anyway. Your baby is very tiny anyway to be leaving overnight without the added worry about your mum smoking.

Could you send DH? Or take your baby and break the journey up?

@boombamboom it's such a worry isn't it? I know it's rare but it's still so scary. I've been even worse since DD has learnt to flip over in the night.

@enbh Agreed! Although it's rare, every institution seems to hammer home the need for reducing sids and safe sleeping, etc. And it just puts the damn fear into me! I know that the constant campaigns and awareness is what has caused drastic reductions in SIDS rates so it's a good that they are making people so aware but it also makes people spend countless months absolutely petrified.

I do feel terribly guilty about smoking, although I take every precaution possible, as maternal smoking does increase the risk.

I'm sure your dd would be fine for one night if you truly trust your Mum to care for her but if you feel like you won't enjoy yourself because you'll spend the whole night worrying, it's okay to give it a miss. x

I think this is way overboard in the worrying stakes. It'll be a minuscule level of extra risk. Back in the day loads of kids were brought up by chain smoking parents, it might not have been beneficial but most made it to adulthood!
Can you buy an air bed or something so your mum is in another room?

My LO was in her own room from 3 months, i'd rather that than her sleeping in a room with a smoker.

My LO rolls back to front at night, i only flip her back if she wakes herself up.

We've done drives that long with a 3mo. It's habitual, regular hours and hours in a car seat/travel system that are the problem. Honestly, I'd take her along, or miss the wedding.