This is the worst I've ever felt.

[Cemkg123]

I'm a single mum to a 14 week old girl. She's beautiful, funny and I should count myself lucky.
Found out her dad was a lying, good for nothing, pathetic excuse for a human during the pregnancy. He lives in a different country, so has seen her once when I took her over there but basically i had to kind of force him to see her. Now he asks about her and will spend time with her when we are there.
I live with my mum, stepdad and 13 year old brother. I'm 27, my mum told me to stay with her for some support and so I wouldn't be struggling financially or emotionally... But I feel like that's not the case. (Financially I'm totally fine)
I pretty much have no friends here, just one who is always busy, I see her once in a blue moon. Other friends who I am closer with live about 2.5 hour drive away or in England so not really possible for me to see them often as I dont have a car. Spent all my winters past 5 years working all the hours under the sun to go away for 6 months every summer and spend it with the ex so that's why I don't have many friends.
My mum seems to be helping me less and less as time goes by, 4 weeks has passed and she's not taken dd once whereas at the beginning she'd take her once a week into her room for me to have at least one night to sleep well. And she knows I won't ask her because I feel like it was my choice to have dd, I shouldn't ask. Shes more interested in helping other brother and his girlfriend as they have a 7 month old, but then moaning about it? So another reason I'm scared to ask is incase she moans about me.
Anyway I don't seem to be coping well, dd constantly needs entertained if we are in the house if we are out it's not too bad she's distracted by everything going on. In the house I try her playmat/gym, her bouncy, I have a swinging chair, tummy time(she hates) I've tried playing with her, reading to her, carrying her around but she gets bored after 10 mins with everything. It's draining me. I knew having a baby was hard but I didn't realise it would be this emotionally and physically draining. To make things worse she wants a bottle every 2 hours, the routine is sleep, wake up, bottle, try everything to entertain for about 1 hour 45 mins then she gets grumpy and tired, fights her sleep and finally sleeps.... BUT ONLY FOR 20 MINS AT A TIME. Sometimes 45 mins if I'm lucky. At night she's fine she sleeps at 7pm wakes at 2am 5am and then 6:30am she's awake and ready for the day. But I literally cannot wait for her to go to bed every night so I can have some space. But because I'm so exhausted from entertaining her I end up falling asleep after cleaning and sterlising all her bottles and not gettin to do anything I want to do. Or if I do stay awake I'm extra tired the next day. I'm feeling really down, also they've put me on the mini pill and I don't know if it's making me psycho cos I'm really snappy and I'm losing my temper really easy with all my family, or if I'm like this cos I'm so exhausted and fed up. Either way they are not supportive, just toldmento go to doctors and get tablets even though they know I hate taking tablets for anything, I don't even like paracetamol. And now I've been in my room all day with dd cos I feel uncomfortable going and sitting downstairs while they are all there cos they just act like I'm not in the room.
I'm just done. I thought dd would have grown out of the 2 hour feeding after I stopped breastfeeding. Her naps are pointless. Can I do something to help her change her nap pattern and feeding pattern. Like they said feed on demand is better but I feel like ican't do this any more.
It's so hard and having no one to talk to is driving me insane. Me and my mum had a fight and she said some things about my parenting ways which have made me feel very small and like a shit mum. Even though health visitors have all said she's healthy happy and perfectly fine.
I'm just very lonely. Also taking her out everyday is exhausting to because I live on the top floor of a 4 storey block of flats so have to bump pram up and down 3 flights of stairs. I have a baby carrier but dd doesn't like not being able to see, and she's too young to be front facing, right?
If anyone is still reading, thank you. I probably would've given up too. I just needed to get everything off my chest.

where are you? any mother and baby groups or anything like that locally?

Edinburgh. There are, but all the ones I was interested in, the 'New term' starts end of this month/September. Plus the thought of going to a group with loads of other mum's and babies scares me to death. Like I'm not a mumsy type person, obviously I care for my child and do everything to keep her happy and healthy but I feel like I won't fit in, as Chris as that sounds.

how about church/ gyms/ swimming pools/ NCT groups? park run? there are quite a few mothers with prams running at ours. library groups for mums? antenatal groups? exercise classes for mums?

I think you might feel a bit better with a time table and places to go...

its really really hard work. it gets better and worse at different stages, I found 9 months - about 3 years, quite easy, but before 9 months was very hard, and it got hard again at 3, probably the worst times were aged 3,6,13..... but most of the times I've had with my DC have been amazing

Don't be so hard on yourself. Your baby is still so tiny and I'm fairly sure they don't get bored at that age so don't stress about entertaining all the time. Just let her be if you need to relax for 5 mins.

Have you tried increasing the amount she takes in her bottle to see if she will go for longer? Again I wouldn't worry too much the hv is obviously happy you just need to start doing things that also work for you now - a happy mum equal a happy baby.

Would it be better if you found your own place would you prefer that if you're not getting the support you need at your mum's?

Be kind to yourself. You're doing a grand job and things will get better. If you're feeling really low go back to the gp and tell them.

I mean, it won't always be like this, and the baby stage is quite short!

Have you got any chance of finding a part time job with a creche?

Elmo, I put 5oz in a bottle, she never finishes a bottle. Maybe once a day she'll drink 4.5oz but rest of the time it's 2 or 3oz.

I was thinking about my own place but I had a look and prices are so high here in Edinburgh. So I would need to go out of Edinburgh, which means I'd know even less people.
I've never seen antly exercise classes with babies but I'll look into it.

And I've started thinking about maybe going back to work early, but then I feel guilty

I think you need to leave your mums, would that be an option? Find a ground floor flat close to a children's centre/nursery/your work.

Could you look at a different type of contraception? Since I've had my son I've not taken any (hormonal) contraception, it really messes with my moods, they cause anxiety and depression in me. It could be the same for you?

You sound like you're trying to please everybody when really they should be making an effort to help you, you're allowed to ask your parents for help and if things are really awful then they would want to know that they can do something to help you.

It's such a difficult time and I can't imagine how hard it is for you without your babies father around. Could he come to you for a few days and spend some time bonding with the baby whilst you get a break? He could go out with the baby for a few hours every day he's here. You sound like a brilliant mum, you just need a break!

You definitely need to try and move out to have your own space. Try going to a mother and toddler group. They usually provide tea and toast for a small donation. You can just sit at the side and watch for some distraction and chances are someone will come and speak to you.

Try this website

www.familiesonline.co.uk/local/edinburgh/clubs-and-classes/baby-toddler

Any chance she could have reflux if she's only taking small amounts of milk at a time?
My ds wouldn't take more than 2oz at a time but switched milks I'm now feeding him an 8 ounces and hes only 10 weeks!

Baby groups can be tough if they're not your thing - they're not mine either but I signed up to a baby massage and yoga class just to have an appointment in the diary and whilst I didn't overly enjoy it I did make a couple of like minded friends who I see every now and again. That made a huge difference in the early days with ds1.

I don't think it's reflux? She doesn't cry much, it's just a quiet moan really and never seems to be in pain, my nephew had reflux and he screamed alot with it? But I don't know if it's different for different babies? I told the health visitor about her feeding every 2 hours and only taking like 3oz and she said it might just be a habit that she picked up when she was breastfed because Breast milk is easily digested they tend to get hungry again faster.. obviously didn't know how much she was taking each time but she was breast fed for 6.5 weeks. But she's still been gaining weight since I stopped breastfeeding so health visitor wasn't worried. But when she was breast fed her weight gain was rapid. Now it's more normal they say.

I'll look into gettin a place but if I do then I can't take dd to see her dad as I don't have money, and like I said prices here are sky high. Also he can't come here, visa problems and he doesn't have much money to afford one.

As for contraception i don't really know why they were so persistent on me taking any as I'm not actually having sex to get pregnant, the pill I was on before I fell pregnant on, but didn't seem to make me anxious or anything but the doctor told me i can't take this one anymore so that's why she have me the mini pill. I'll go back and explain everything and see what she says.

I'm gonna just try and force myself to some sort of baby group and see if that helps. I'm generally a social person, just having a baby with me makes everything more scary even though when we are out she's good as gold.
To be fair she's not that bad a baby. Like I just gave her her night-time bath and she was so funny and smiley splashing away and bow she's sleeping I feel bad for having any negative thoughts 😔

Also, the whole fighting her sleep thing is, I think, something to do with her wanting something to suck on but she refuses a dummy, I've tried every brand and most of the time she just gags when I put it in her mouth. I've tried letting her suck my finger but she doesn't like that either. But when I told her she's trying to suck on my arm or shoulder, depending on how I'm holding her.

What your baby is doing is pretty normal for a 14 week old. And what you're experiencing is motherhood. Your life is not your own any more. I agree with other posters, you need to find some mother and baby groups locally and you can chat to other mums who are likely to be going through the same stuff and hopefully make some new friends. I'd not worry about seeing your ex - it he;s as useless as you say your daughter will be better off without him.