Three kids annoying each other!!! Help!!

[threekidshelp]

I have three kids, dd1 is 12, ds is 9 and dd2 is 7. I am having another long moment where I can't seem to get relative calm without screens, being out or one or more doing something with a friend.

The only thing they do together is either be really annoyingly silly or annoy each other. They are often quite belittling of each other's play, makes and ideas. Oldest is constantly playing to win even on ridiculous things like "you don't like Greatest Showman as much as I do".

I am not enjoying being with them at all this holiday as I am torn between screens giving peace but not being good for them, but not knowing how to start getting them to exist in peace without. And I feel tremendously guilty that I have even got to this place.

Any help? Please?!!!

Lock 'em up! - one in the garden, one in the loo, one in the shed!!!!

Or park them in front of the TV - you have a right to your sanity!

I once turned the key on the back door and left my 3 children out in the (fairly large) garden, having decided that they were safer out than there than in the house with me!

Oh - and ditch the guilt. Do not believe the earth mothers who say they sail through. They are talking bollocks!

Oh god! I opened this thread hoping to feel better reading about someone with the same problem as me, but mine are 8, 6 and 2, and I was convincing myself today that in another 3 years they’ll all get on famously. There’s that dream shot down

The only possible solutions I came up with today were 1.) get a job (me) and 2.) invest more money in holiday camps...

Seriously, let’s both not feel guilty. I feel so shitty for crying in front of my kids today, and for being totally impatient and snappy with their silliness, and far too grumpy in general. But I’m sure we’re both doing good stuff too.

And one other conclusion I came to when I was thinking about this this afternoon is that I am so much better around the kids when I’ve had some time out to concentrate on something for myself.

I’m also finding giving them more responsibility and jobs is helping in some situations.

Or find a serious household job for each to do and say that they will have to do it whenever they are squabbling. Peace will reign!

Bless you all! Just reading this makes me feel a bit less rubbish and alone.

I second household jobs! I make a daily chore each a condition of pocket money so if hamsters aren't cleaned out and fed, their washing isn't picked up off the floor and other age appropriate things then no pocket money for the week!

Screens aren't so bad. I have my most peaceful moments when DD is on the iPad and DS on his phone! Don't beat yourself up over screen time!

Coriander, it's quite bad at the moment, but honestly, it has been better than when they were little. Just not the last few days.

I am generally less tired than I was when dd2 was your littlest's age age and they're all at school!

Individually, they're all very sweet.

On devices, they're quiet. I just seem to have lost any enthusiasm for spending 1-1 time with them (that felt painful to type but it's the truth) because all my quiet suggestions generally get refused and I'm a bit burnt out after 12.5 years of spending so much time with small children. Part of that is my own inability to be comfortable with letting stuff go (I do let it go, but feel completely guilty). And when I do do stuff with them, I feel anxious that they aren't able to concentrate and blame myself for that too.

Aaargh! I found babies so comparatively easy. The naps (theirs not mine!) really really helped. And dd1 now doesn't go to bed til gone 9!

And, I soooo want to go on a holiday with a kids club. Very, very spoilt thing to say, but I just want a bit of time in the actual day when I know for certain they are occupied and not able to need me.

You've nothing to feel guilty about. It is pretty normal as far as I'm concerned. Consider it a fairly long phase. It too, will pass. Agree with the whole divide and conquer' thing. Lose one, and the other two seem to either get on, or be able to ignore each other, so arrange for them to be out, individually. Making a clear rule / expectation about screens is hard work for the first week or so, but makes life a LOT easier after that..... whether it is 'screens only after what would be the end of school time' or 'screens only when it is raining' or 'screens only up until 10am' or whatever your own rule is. There is a 'withdrawal period' but then it stops the whining, moaning, complaining, pleading, trying to negotiate, etc - it becomes the 'new normal'.

Thanks Backforgood. I'm trying to see it as normal. Always struggle a bit on this generally wonderful holiday. We go with our in laws, dh's brother and kids. They're much older and have never had any restrictions on screens. This means that it's always fairly peaceful from their side, and they are lovely kids. It's just that I don't really want ours to be on screens for what has been up to 12 hours a day. Plus, I feel a bit conflicted over having had a third. She's a joy, and I would definitely have been left feeling as if something was missing without her, but it is such hard work at the moment.

Any tips anyone about suggesting alternative activities in a way that doesn't lead to an automatic no? Anything I suggest that's not a trip out or screen time is falling on pretty deaf ears.

First, lets make it clear I've got it wrong lots of times
After all, it's all a bit trial and error. However, what has worked for me is factually stating / reminding them "You aren't going on your screens until after 4.30, so the choice now is.... X or Y"
My dc1 in particular would always argue black was white, so I learned early on that it helped if he had a bit of control. Even from when he was tiny, I'd state "ds It's bedtime now [ie, the fact / non-negotiable bit] ...Do you want to walk upstairs or do you want a carry?" or "ds, it's bedtime now, do you want me to read your story or dh?" etc. etc.
There are some things that aren't negotiable - stuff like going to school every day / wearing your seatbelt / etc....... we just then have to try and decide what else is non-negotiable and what they can have some control over.

@BackforGood yes I agree with this wholeheartedly. When DS was a toddler he had a LOT of temper tantrums. I realised it was possibly because he didn't feel he had control over anything. He's a very intelligent kid and didn't like being told! We picked on the small things such as "the blue T shirt or the green" or 2 choices for a snack etc and his behaviour definitely improved.