Partner helping out

[smtoresse]

Hi everyone
I just wanted to hear some other people's experiences. How much do your partners help out with baby after coming home from work?? My baby is 6 months old and I feel as though I do everything myself, my partner has never got up in the night , has never bathed her alone, and very rarely gives her a bottle. I feel like I've reached a point where I can't cope , I'm so exhausted and my partner doesn't seem to understand and he seems to think that because he works he doesn't have to help out. I don't know what to do , and on top of this he seems to expect sex every day and I am just not interested at all! Is it just me or does anyone else feel like this too?
Thank you x

It is him.

He should not be helping out. He should be parenting.

You definitely have a problem OP and the problem is him.

Do you ask him to do any of these things? Could you talk to him and tell him that he needs to do more? How about getting him to take her to the park early tomorrow for an hour or giving her a bath tonight?

My husband went through a phase where he wasn't confident with the baby, especially bathing her alone as he thought she would drown without me helping. And because I BF for a while it didn't occur to him to get up at night (that and he could sleep through anything). Could they be factors too? I agree he should be trying more though.

He is being very unreasonable. You both need equal downtime. Looking after a baby is exhausting. DH did shared parental leave and freely admits looking after DS is far more tiring than work. You need to tell your partner that he needs to step up. He needs to take over and do some of the evening routine while you have some time to shower, nap, read a book, go out for a drink, go the gym or whatever you need. Same at the weekend - lie ins should be shared and he needs to take over so you get a couple of hours to sort yourself out. He can also do night wake ups when he doesn't have work e.g. Friday and Saturday nights if he works a typical week. He also should not be 'expecting' sex. He sounds like something out of the 1950s and an absolute nightmare OP, I don't know how you're coping.

My partner was almost totally useless until our son was 9 months old. Partly because I was breastfeeding, partly work stress, partly that he didn’t feel confident.

The game changer for us was when my son would finally accept a bottle, and I went out for the day (about 8 hours) and he realised how much work it actually is.

I know that can seem a bit intimidating for some people, but I think I packed the baby bag, got everything prepared etc and left meal times and so on.

Obviously, don’t go for such a long period if you’re not happy with the idea, but it was that solid stretch of him being in charge that made the difference.

Mine is nearly 14 months now, and my partner is doing much better. He’s even currently doing the 5am wake up. Wow.

Yep he needs to grow up and be a parent

and stop pesting you for sex you have a six month old

I always thought DC’s dad was useless but he did bath her every night. However, he did get better as he got older. And I think he would have got better quicker if I hadn’t always been checking over his shoulder to make sure he was doing it —my way— right

My husband just didn’t know what to do to settle her at first - but he still fetched bottles/ changed nappies etc!! By about 4 months he was doing 50% of everything and taking her out by himself for a few hours so I could nap - which I also did for him. It’s so much to cope with on your own!! Sit him down and be frank with him about what you need.

Parenting isn't just your job, both of you need to be doing it. Viewing it as helping you out makes it seem like the baby is 100% your responsibility.

Pestering for sex is also repulsive. Is he affection and kind towards you without them expecting sex?

What happens if you say no to sex OP?

*without then

Helping out?! Unless he’s not the DC’s father then you should reword your OP to ask if he should be expected to PARENT HIS CHILD. And of course the answer is yes.

My DH works, if he’s not travelling or seeing clients in the evening he comes home, plays with DD for half an hour or so then gives her her bath, bottle and puts her to bed. He’s done this since she was born. He also has her on his own every Saturday morning whilst I volunteer and also whenever I fancy a night out, getting my hair done etc. A good father should want to spend time with his child. Your partner sounds like a dick who needs to go back to the 1950s where he belongs.

Your 'D'H sounds awful, my DH did everything for our DS (apart from breast feeding) and like Troubled I made sure I left him with our DS for plenty of occasions so that I could do my own thing - whatever I wanted to.

And there was certainly no sex every day - more like once a month .

I do understand the posters saying maybe he’s not confident, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say if you’ve not been around newborns before (male or female), it’s all a bit daunting at first. I remember changing my oldest nephews nappy (now almost 14) for the first time, and I hadn’t really got a clue! Subsequent babies in the family - no problem, changing/bathing/taking out was no problem. When another nephew was born, his mum supported his dad in giving him his first bath at home, as she didn’t want it to be a case of ‘I don’t know how’ - then he did, and then bathed/changed/fed him of an evening when he was home.

If he’s not confident, he should say so/ask for help. But people rarely assume mothers aren’t confident, they assume they’ll just get on with it. Haven’t quite worked out why...

Having been on this site for quite a number of years I've seen posts like this come up again and again and it's so depressing.
I genuinely don't think many men truly give any thought to the role - it's seldom represented to the wide public in any relatable way. Many women I suspect trawl Internet forums, chat to other mothers and suchlike when they find out they're pregnant but if the partner doesn't show interest then they have no idea exactly what a baby means. I think op, you've got to explain it all, written down if you have to, exactly what you expect of him, what he needs to do and how it's not ok for him to be the way he is. Struggles he may have aside, you can't do everything (as I still do years and years down the line) and it will make your relationship suffer because you'll either get bitter (me) or start wondering if you're asking too much (no, you aren't). He may say he wants his own time/has his needs/works and is tired etc blah blah.
If he's reasonably intelligent and a nice person then with some thought and a little reading around he'll get it.

Women don't naturally know how to look after babies either; we have to learn. Maybe you should show him this thread OP.

I agree with pp who said he needs to spend a day on his own with the baby, there's nothing like experience to bring home how much hard work it really is looking after a baby. Tell him you're going somewhere (out with friends?) leave him times and instructions and let him get on with it.

The constant hounding for sex suggests he is not a nice person so l presume that is the same reason he doesn't parent.
I was very nervous with first ds and made dh do baths etc until l got confident. Also l couldnt move after the birth for a few days so dh did all nappies etc. This is how it continued. Its lovely doing these things together. But if its not in someones heart to do it with the excitement of a new little one to take care of then they are not fit to be a father.
And do not have sex unless you want to.

I know this sounds morbid but I would seriously ask him what he would do if you were rushed into hospital or dropped dead - I know that sounds dramatic but it was something I was very conscious of when I had my child - it is so important that fathers can care for their own children.

Firstly, you need to stop calling it helping out. He's not helping you he's being a parent.
No it's not normal for a parent to do so little.

Mine used to come home from work at 5pm and send me to bed for 1.5 hours whilst he cooked dinner.

We ate about 6.30 and then we would bath the baby together and then I would do bedtime routine whilst DH cleared up the kitchen and washed up.

After the birth of our son we didn’t have sex for over a year and he didn’t once make an issue of it.

Your situation is not normal or ok

When we’re both home, everything is 50/50 and in fact, probably even he does more (and I might take a few minutes to sit down and relax if I can). It isn’t always with the baby (we have a 5 month old and a 5 year old), but he pretty much doesn’t sit down until about 9pm. He does the washing up and waters the garden every night, spends time with our older one and takes the baby while I cook dinner and do anything I need to do. Then he does bathtime and bedtime with our 5 year old while I do the baby. He doesn’t usually get up at night because ds is bf and there’s no point. Feeding him and putting him back to sleep is easy. But he does do everything with our dd at night if she were to wake and he gets up with her in the morning and takes her downstairs if we’re still sleeping so I can get an extra 20 minutes of sleep or so. Being at work all day is pretty relaxing compared to be at home with children (I’ve done both) and my dh knows it, so there’s no just sitting around and expecting me to do everything. But our arrangement is a long standing one now. Definitely when our dd was first born, we hadn’t quite worked out what we both needed and how to support each other yet. You may just need to sit him down and impress upon him what you really need from him.

And off we go with the hang him brigade, all the MN who love the chance to tell you how awful men are lol it's almost embarrassing some times. But I digress.
OP it must be really hard for you as being a new mum when you feel you are doing it "alone " is no fun and really is hard work both physically and emotionally.
Is it possible that it is daunting to him and he's a bit scared?
When you speak with him, does he just point blank just not want to help?
I think while asking others may help in one respect, but ultimately it's what you deem acceptable and trying to get him to understand that.
what does he actually say/do when for example you say, do you fancy giving this bottle to DC? Or can you load the dishwasher while I put DC to bed?

my hubby has never done a nighttime get up but he works in the day through the week and night times and some days of a weekend, but I am happy to get up and don't think it would be fair to get him up.
He does however do a breakfast when he can, He used to do a more regular bottle as DS got a bit older (4months or so).
He still likes me to check water temp before DS gets in the bath, and we normally do that as family time anyway.
I think some couples find that it takes a while to get into a nice balance of what each is happy and to play to each others strengths so to speak. But if he point blank refuses to help this is not good, did you discuss the plan going forward during the pregnancy of how your lives would look with a little baby in the mix?

And the expecting sex every day but, definitely not normal. My dh and I didn’t have sex for 7 months after our first was born as we were bedsharing and just exhausted. We also don’t have sex at all in pregnancy (due to pregnancy complications for me). Our 2nd is 5 months now and we’ve had sex 3 times since he was born and my dh is pretty chuffed with that!

Sorry it doesn't say he hounds you for sex or tries to force the issue, you say it seems like he expects sex every day. How does this seem?