Siblings and play dates

[loveithateitmum]

I have a 6yo DD who is a tomboy and has only close male friends. I also have a 4yo DS with potential SEN. When my DD has a play date my DS wants to join in especially as he's very impressed with older boys. Not unusual but I'm finding my DD and her friend gang up and essentially bully my DS and I find their behaviour is unacceptable. My DS gets very excited and can led to aggression so it usual ends in me getting involved and pulling him away. I've tried to organise play dates when my DS is out at a club or with another relative but sometimes he is around. I engage with him and say we are having a play date, but unsurprisingly Mummy isn't as much fun as other children! I'm really upset by my DDs behaviour and how she treats her brother. I'm an only child so I'm aware that this could be usual sibling behaviour but i hate it. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

Ooof, that's tough...not least because you've got 3 different issues!

1. Bullying - it's unacceptable, has to be sanctioned and needs nipping in the bud.

1. Little brother pushing into playdates - often intensely frustrating and your DD may not have the social skills to manage this. That frustration may also bee the root of issue 1, she may be trying to get some space in the only way she can think of. You need to talk to her about how she feels when he imposes on her playdates, to help her manage her responses and maybe find some balance. Maybe if she knows she has your support, she'll be happy to spend a bit of her playdate including him (not a certainty, but a possibility).

1. DS's aggression - if that's SN related it could be a problem for some time to come! How you manage it will be highly dependent on its root, its trigger and what he needs to calm down. Your DD and her friend both need to be protected from this as much as possible, she's not going to countenance playing with him if she's going to get hurt.

Best of luck; it's not easy at the best of times, but with possible SN managing things like this is very tricky.

No experience of this but could your dd have more playdates at other people's houses while you work out the best way to manage it? If I was the other mum I would not mind at all hosting more often if you explained the issue. In fact i have a good mum friend where the kids always play at mine rather than hers although for a different reason, doesn't bother me at all. Bullying is not acceptable but I can understand your dds frustration. Good luck!

Thanks both for your responses. It is tricky with my youngest. One option is to ask a friend over for him at the same time then he might not be bothered with the older ones. My DD usually goes for play dates at the friends house. I wanted to return the favour as she gets fed there and regularly ends up staying over. I didn't want to seem like a CF! I think I'll have a conversation with the parents and explain why it's more difficult at mine.
I've spoken to my DD as to why I was upset with her. She doesn't really understand that DS has certain challenges as she thinks he's just naughty.
Hasn't helped that everyone's sleep has been disturbed this week due to the heat and DH has been away.

Definitely explain to the other parents, I expect they will understand. Although of course your DD shouldn't be mean, it sounds like it is quite a difficult social situation for her to manage.

I have a DD and a DS the same ages as yours, and we've found a few good friends with DC the same ages for double play dates. Those do work really well. Other than that I try and think of something really fun to do with DS while DD plays with friends, unfortunately this often results in me sitting on the floor with him pushing paw patrol vehicles around..

If you're worried about the fed/staying over bit could you send her with a cake or something to contribute to dinner?

Ps I guess another reason to have a chat with the other parents is to help them have a suitable conversation with their child if they come home saying 'x was naughty'. That might help their child's behaviour at yours too if you decide to attempt it at your house again?

This is a parent's to guide to siblings and autism - even if ASD isn't your DS's issue, the pointers may be useful for you. It's a free download in PDF format.

researchautism.org/resources/brothers-sisters-and-autism-a-parents-guide/

Also autism based, this is a free pdf download geared to 5-10yo - you may be able to adapt it so that you can help your DD understand your DS's behaviours and that he's not 'just' naughty (although she should also be taught that yes, sometimes he can be naughty as well and SN is not a free pass).

researchautism.org/resources/autism-my-sibling-and-me/