Trusting OH to look after baby - help!

[Katrina12]

Hi, I'm new here, hope this is the right place to post this....

I'm after a bit of advice re trusting my OH to look after our son. So here's the background:

I’m a first time mum to a 7 month old little boy. OH is very supportive, kind and sweet natured... however he doesn’t seem to see any potential dangers when it comes to our son, which is leaving me very frustrated. Examples include leaving our baby unsupervised on our bed when he rolls very quickly is desperately trying to crawl; not watching him in his bouncer (or leaving the room) even though he sits up right in it and leans as far forward as possible to the point it nearly tips over or leaving the baby alone in the room with our dogs. He seems to have a completely different point of view and acts as though I’m being overly cautious or wrapping our son in cotton wool. I’ve tried kindly point out that little one could roll off the bed or tip his chair over; I’ve tried getting cross... but OH just doesn’t get it. He promises he won’t leave baby unsupervised, but then makes silly comments which make me think he is only humouring me and would do what he likes when I’m not around, such as ‘I have to put my hand on your tummy when you’re up here (changing table) because Mummy says so’, in a sort of sarcastic manner. In fact the other day I found OH upstairs while he was supposed to be watching our son, while our little boy was downstairs sitting upright in his bouncer leaning over, alone with our dogs (needless to say the bouncer has been dismantled and put away now!).

There are certain things I intend to sort out myself such as selling the changing table, but I just don’t feel comfortable leaving our son with my partner.

OH gets really defensive if I try and discuss it and tries to avoid the conversation by saying ‘you're always criticising me, why do you hate me’. I would love to have to some guilt free time to myself and leave bub with dad for a few hours, but at the moment I just don't feel able to. My mum and MIL are both v happy to look after baby, but I don’t like to keep asking as they have been helping out while I’ve been doing KIT days or at medical appointments.

I'm starting to wonder how well OH has bonded with our little boy, as I just can't understand how he doesn't see any dangers? Whenever I leave them together (I.e. so I can shower), OH will be looking at his phone/trying to watch TV and not really paying attention to bub. OH works all week, plays sport all day on a Saturday as well as training on a Wednesday evening - so I don't understand why he doesn't want to play and interact in the little time he has. It comes across as though it's a bit of a pain if bub interrupts him.

Can any one suggest any ways I can get OH to understand that there are certain things we must do to ensure our little boy is safe?

I think you need to get rid of the changing table too OP. I always changed mine on the floor, they can’t fall off the floor

You you try to build up his vobfidence with your DS? If you are having your shower in the morning, ask DH tonight if he would mind getting up a bit earlier tomorrow and giving LO his breakfast while you get ready or changing his nappy and getting him dressed or even just walking him around the garden and showing him the different things and chatting to him.

I think my DH had a lack of confidence too when they were young and sometimes took his eye off them because he didn’t know what to do with them so reverted to his phone. It became much better when I went back to work and he had them one day a week.

If you coukd give him specific things to do with LO, like I suggested above, it should start to build up DHs confidence.

My dh really struggled with our first born too. I don’t think I helped as I was always there so he never had to learn for himself.

The best thing I ever did was leave him to it. Limited instructions and no checking up.

I would really really not leave him to it, he’s already putting the baby in danger and doesn’t seem bothered.

OP if he won’t listen to you, is there a chance he’d listen to someone else? HV or point him to www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/baby-safety-tips/?

Do you have a baby gate you can put the dogs behind too? He’ll be crawling soon you’ll need a way to separate dog and baby.

Another thing he could do so you have a bit of time is to take dog and baby out for walks.

Thank you so much for the replies and suggestions - all really helpful

I really don’t think I could leave them together just yet - in one way I would love to as I think OH is just oblivious to how much you have to do for a baby and he’d have the opportunity to learn, but he's just too careless and I could see our son getting injured. Ironically, our LB is just like his dad - very active, into everything, always wanting to move and explore, but he doesn’t seem to have any insight.

IAmGoofyGoober - i totally get what you’re saying, I think perhaps we ended up this way as I bf'd and really just took the lead with everything... perhaps unknowingly preventing/putting OH off. Think he’s possibly felt a little left out.

Jilted - I really like the idea of asking him to do things with our son to start with such as breakfast, while I'm still in the house or taking baby and dogs for a walk. He’s actually v good if I ask him to do something quite specific, so I think this could work and would also hopefully help us both build confidence. We have a playpen which attaches to the wall, and sectioning off an area of our living room... if only DH would think to put him in there when he nips off to make a drink or go to the toilet! I’m having the changing table moved on Thursday, and have decided to just take on baby proofing our house myself... he can’t disagree with me once I’ve done it!

53rdWay - that link is brilliant. I casually mentioned it earlier and implied there were things I hadn’t thought of so as not to be ‘finger wagging’ at him. He’s promised to have a read tonight. OH would absolutely listen to someone else, I’m just not sure how to make that happen without it being as though I’ve asked whoever, HV for example, to have a word. I don’t want to undermine his confidence or for him to feel I’m criticising him any further. However he’s got a blind disregard for anything he sees a me ‘worrying’ - which I think is as a result of his own rather hen like mother. At the risk of sounding unkind, his motheur is rather dramatic and worries unnecessarily/ irrationally and panics a lot. It’s quite overwhelming to deal with and I think his coping mechanism is to simply take no notice of her - and I’m sure he is applying the same logic to my concerns, although they are clearly rational.

However he’s got a blind disregard for anything he sees a me ‘worrying’ - which I think is as a result of his own rather hen like mother. At the risk of sounding unkind, his motheur is rather dramatic and worries unnecessarily/ irrationally and panics a lot. It’s quite overwhelming to deal with and I think his coping mechanism is to simply take no notice of her - and I’m sure he is applying the same logic to my concerns, although they are clearly rational. Have you told him that this is how you feel OP?

I'd be sending him on the next child safety course possible!

Jilted - not in so many words. He's said in the past that I shouldn't worry so much and implied he thought I was being a bit neurotic, but I shut that down and he's not gone down that route since. I told him I thought it was potentially manipulative and not to suggest my sensible concerns are neurotic.

Re his mother, i haven't discussed this with him at all. Although I've never explicitly said I find his mother a bit much, he is aware that I keep my distance from her and is a little sensitive about the subject. He doesn't necessarily say himself that he finds her overwhelming, but she can be very direct and panicked, and he often uses phrase like 'she's panicking/flapping again'. I do feel there's possibly and underlying issue here which is impacting on any message I try and deliver...

I don't think you'll be able to persuade him to be more careful. He's just not programmed that way. Equally, he may not be into playing with your baby.
He may well be better in the next phase - toddler. In the mean time try to relax and not let it get to you.

I have no advice I’m afraid OP but wanted to sympathise

I went out for the first time tonight for longer than 30 mins (was gone just under 2 hours)

I thanked him for helping and then asked if he could just put a vest on please after her bath as it was 29 degrees and he cut across me with “yes yes yes” and when I tried to suggest keeping toys from dog he said “ALRIGHT” Kevin style and then that I was going on at him

Come home and she has a 2.5 tog sleeping bag on and dog is chewing her toy in garden 😡

Yes. I think this is quite a problem. He clearly thinks 'women worry too much about unnecessary stuff' while not seeing the difference between his mum fussing about a grown man driving too fast (or whatever) and the very real responsibility of a parent for a completely dependent semi mobile baby.

I actually would try to say to him that you feel unable to leave the baby because he clearly doesn't feel able to adjust to the total dependency of a child of this age. I never sorted this out with Dh either. He simply didn't think ahead in the way that I had learned to do, so much so that my brain ached in those early weeks.

What I would say is - trust your instincts, but try to update them. Your first responsibility is to your baby, but they will get older and more able to look after themselves - 3.5 is a good age to be able to leave them in another room without you for a short time imo. In the meantime, if he grumbles (he probably won't) you just have to suck it up. He has already proved he doesn't think it's important to learn how to do this. I have no doubt he'll be a brilliant dad to a seven year old but this is too important to fuck around with.

I remember Dh having ds aged about 9 months for a morning, and them meeting me in town about 11am. It was soon clear that ds needed a nappy change. I took him off to the loo to find that ds was still in his overnight nappy, soaked through with a roaring case of nappy rash. We had quite a few times like that until I just gave up.

I hope this doesn’t sound rude Twinkle but your DH isn’t helping, he is parenting (albeit not very successfully).
If you managed not to say “I told you so” you are a better person than me!

I know Creature but wanted to also show appreciation to hopefully temper what would be perceived as nagging!

It obviously didn’t work. I give up!

Twinkle and annani think you might need to post separate threads about your useless DPs. They sound like they are neglectful.

Useless yes, neglectful not. He keeps a close eye on her so if she got into trouble he’d know straightaway but just doesn’t listen and therefore doesn’t know about things like different tog sleeping bags. He does now

The toy thing is annoying!